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You don't have to forgive because I also believe some things are unforgivable, but you have to let go. The only reason this person is still in your life is because you carry this hatred around. You can't possibly hate the person you never met, so figure out if you hate what he did, or didn't, do, or the effect it had on your mother or the way you lived. Where does the hatred come from?
The people I don't forgive, when they come into my mind, I just refuse the thought. I refuse any emotional reaction to the thought. I mentally bar them from being a part of my existence and using up my emotional energy and think of anything else. Sometimes I actually shake my head like I'm trying to dislodge them. But this is after a lot of energy spent on understanding that I was hurt by them and have a right to be angry and now I have a right to live my life without their negative impact.
Yes I despise the belief one must forgive in order to heal , which is not to say there are times it’s appropriate. . I was empowered by the choice to not to forgive my abusive father and was able to move on. Some call it letting go but I prefer the term “unburdening”. It does take a lot of work but the biggest one for me is that my abuser has to live with his own karma and I don’t want mine poisoned with his. He May have ruined my childhood, my education , but he does not get the right or power to define my life.
Ps. Thank you to another poster for the private sweet comment.
To the op. You are an adult and you get to define how you live your life. You have choices.
You can give your father power and allow your soul and life to be riddled with the poison of hatred
OR
you can “unburden” yourself and find a way to live a full rich and happy life.
My "father" kicked out my mom when she was pregnant.
Divorce soon followed. He paid small amount of child support for 10 years. Never seen me or cared what happens to me.
My situation is common (which is sad).
My issue is that I cannot get over my hatred for the sperm donor. I just hate him and wish him death. I don't know if he is dead or alive in real life.
Tips on how to overcome this?
Rejection hurts. It really does. But Jayden22, what would've been the alternate reality? That this apparently angry resentful man would've stayed in the marriage, wanting nothing to do with you and taking his frustrations out on you?
Maybe being totally uninvolved in your life is better than being a battered child, or sexually abused, or...well...there are many bad things that can happen to children, when their father's don't want them.
I'm assuming as you've grown up...you've managed to avoid those things.
MAYBE it's better to have a dad that was NEVER in your life, as opposed to a loving father who suddenly leaves the household to marry a younger woman, and leaves the home. THAT happens a lot too. Which is worse...never knowing someone, or knowing someone and loving someone, who now...doesn't seem to love you back? That's its own kind of heartache. You managed to avoid that.
We all have stuff. I say that, not to diminish what you've had to experience, but know, that when you look at an adult in the eye, they've been through some stuff. Stuff they didn't deserve, sadness, pain, etc. I doubt there are very very few golden people, who've never experienced sadness and pain.
(I'm reading what I'm writing, and I'm afraid that it sounds like I'm chastising you, and it's not my intention at all. I'm more...commiserating, and trying to point to...you are not alone in your feelings of rejection...YOU were not a 'reject' and there was nothing wrong with you...even though I suspect you have a suspicion that that's the case.
Looking objectively...your dad could not/would not "step up". It's ALL on him. And maybe your mom, because I wonder too, if you got the full story.
Our emotions come about to help and protect us in some fashion. It can be helpful to ask "What positive purpose (for me) is this emotion serving or warning me about?" Very often, when emotions can't be acted upon, or have to be suppressed for long periods of time, other layers of emotion will develop on top of the original one(s). Untangling them and drilling down can bring them into perspective.
One POSSIBLE dynamic that could be going on is that your anger served to prevent you from relating any worth to some of the sh*t messages such behavior by a parent can send out. Underneath and supporting that anger may be grief over the loss of a caring childhood. There could be yet more emotions under that.
When in the grips of an emotion, you can ask it directly "What way are you trying to help me? What is it that is important enough for you to come forward now?" Listen within yourself for an answer and repeat that back out loud to recognize it and recognize that you have acknowledged and truly heard it. Thank the emotion for serving to protect and help you.
You very much may continue to hold the emotion, but once it has been heard and recognized, it will go into a more constructive place. In your case, it might be "I really hate what my dad did and didn't do. It was hurtful and callous to me. I won't get into a situation like that again because my emotion can help warn me away."
It gets better over time. I hated my mom's live in boyfriend for a long time, his behavior was a big factor in her decision to take her life when I was 18. A week or so later he and all his stuff was out of the house and I never saw the man i lived with for 10 years again. But the anger was still inside of me for years. But eventually it fades, time is a great healer.
Of course your issue is he may resurface in 40 years wanting to connect.
My "father" kicked out my mom when she was pregnant.
Divorce soon followed. He paid small amount of child support for 10 years. Never seen me or cared what happens to me.
My situation is common (which is sad).
My issue is that I cannot get over my hatred for the sperm donor. I just hate him and wish him death. I don't know if he is dead or alive in real life.
Tips on how to overcome this?
Jerks have kids, too.
But you're not mad at your father. You're mad about something else. Takes a lot of work to figure out what it is.
You'll get there.
My "father" kicked out my mom when she was pregnant.
Divorce soon followed. He paid small amount of child support for 10 years. Never seen me or cared what happens to me.
My situation is common (which is sad).
My issue is that I cannot get over my hatred for the sperm donor. I just hate him and wish him death. I don't know if he is dead or alive in real life.
Tips on how to overcome this?
Don't be concerned about it. I didn't know if my sperm donor was dead or alive until last year, when I found out he died in 1999. I didn't care, as his physical abuse of myself and my mother was unforgivable.
Just because you have his DNA, doesn't obligate you to have any other feelings towards him. Remember, your life and your mother's life is better without him.
Wrong. Some people deserve no forgiveness, and forgiving someone else who does not deserve it has nothing to do with your well being. That is woo that is peddled, and is not validated.
My "father" kicked out my mom when she was pregnant.
Divorce soon followed. He paid small amount of child support for 10 years. Never seen me or cared what happens to me.
My situation is common (which is sad).
My issue is that I cannot get over my hatred for the sperm donor. I just hate him and wish him death. I don't know if he is dead or alive in real life.
Tips on how to overcome this?
Even in your situation, why do you "hate" someone who has no relevance to your life and whom you have never met? That's all he was....a SPERM DONOR. Stop putting energy in hating him.
And like another post said, there maybe three sides to this story...your mother's side, your sperm donor's side, and the side in the middle which hides the truth.
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I despise the belief one must forgive in order to heal , which is not to say there are times it’s appropriate. . I was empowered by the choice to not to forgive my abusive father and was able to move on. Some call it letting go but I prefer the term “unburdening”. It does take a lot of work but the biggest one for me is that my abuser has to live with his own karma and I don’t want mine poisoned with his. He May have ruined my childhood, my education , but he does not get the right or power to define my life. 
