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Your assumed definition of "microaggression" is actually a microaggression in itself, since you insult and diminish the concept by calling it "getting your feelings hurt."
[For those knee-jerkers here who will go off on a tangent at the mention of the word, a "microaggression" is a subtle event that doesn't seem like a big deal at the time but, after hearing them over a lifetime, they can make a person feel like they don't belong.]
So, what exactly is a micro-aggression? I've read the Wikipedia entry, and it still doesn't make any sense. People are constantly annoying each other; it's part of our nature. The key to survival is not to succumb to such irritation but to develop ways of dealing with it, a thick skin as some call it.
Just imagine what life was like for our primitive ancestors, and for wild animals today. It's a constant, unending struggle to stay alive, until eventually something does kill you. Not many animals in the wild die of old age. They get eaten long before that happens.
Coming from this evolutionary background, we are made to deal with suffering and conflict. It's in our nature. Denying it, and worse, making it a crime to commit a micro-aggression against someone, is to deny ourselves.
I'll add one thing. I saw a sign up at my daughter's school recently: "Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will really hurt me."
(from the Civil Rights Office of the Dept. of Education)
Now, when I was growing up, kids called each other names, and you learned to take it, and maybe give back as good as you got. It was part of growing up. If someone did throw sticks and stones, you were expected to defend yourself and hit back.
What I'm seeing today is a generation of kids who are not learning these skills but instead are being taught that life is a rose garden, that conflict should be banished, that there should never be bullying. The problem is, this can't be. Humans bully, humans are aggressive, humans hurt each other. I was bullied all through school and I hated it, and wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it's not something you can just erase from our primate nature.
P.S. Have you considered stepping back and reflecting upon how much you consider another persons race, gender, ethnicity, pigmentation etc? Do you feel that's a healthy way to go through life instead of just meeting people? No offense but you sound a whole lot more like one of my 80 year old white relatives divvying people up by race than a 30-something person of color.
I’ve done a 180. Now it factors into my decisions making. It used to not at all. I am way more cautious.
It is not like I run around avoiding white people. I work in a heavily white field, in a role full of white peoples. I am going to spend a lot of time interacting with white people. But now I’m not taking the lead on developing friendships. So there is an opportunity here, white people can take the lead on interacting with me and perusing a friendship genuinely.
I had an entertaining conversation with my friend who operates a large furniture store, multi-millionaire himself, and he opened my eyes by pointing out that most of the rich CEOs are liberals: Jeff Bezos CEO of Amazon (and WaPo owner), the CEO of Microsoft, on and on. (Actually it sounds like the CEO of Home Depot is conservative.) I'm pretty sure there are more rich liberals than rich conservatives.
The politics of the rich is whatever keeps you rich.
So, what exactly is a micro-aggression? I've read the Wikipedia entry, and it still doesn't make any sense. People are constantly annoying each other; it's part of our nature. The key to survival is not to succumb to such irritation but to develop ways of dealing with it, a thick skin as some call it.
Just imagine what life was like for our primitive ancestors, and for wild animals today. It's a constant, unending struggle to stay alive, until eventually something does kill you. Not many animals in the wild die of old age. They get eaten long before that happens.
Coming from this evolutionary background, we are made to deal with suffering and conflict. It's in our nature. Denying it, and worse, making it a crime to commit a micro-aggression against someone, is to deny ourselves.
I'll add one thing. I saw a sign up at my daughter's school recently: "Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will really hurt me."
(from the Civil Rights Office of the Dept. of Education)
Now, when I was growing up, kids called each other names, and you learned to take it, and maybe give back as good as you got. It was part of growing up. If someone did throw sticks and stones, you were expected to defend yourself and hit back.
What I'm seeing today is a generation of kids who are not learning these skills but instead are being taught that life is a rose garden, that conflict should be banished, that there should never be bullying. The problem is, this can't be. Humans bully, humans are aggressive, humans hurt each other. I was bullied all through school and I hated it, and wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it's not something you can just erase from our primate nature.
Let me tell you some examples I’ve experienced in my work life in recent years. I’m fairly senior and experienced in my field no spent a lot of time consulting in it as well so I know a good amount and have a wide range of experience.
I’ve got a coworker now who has very limited experience in role. Went from a technical job to a marketing job. He has never worked closely with someone in my role. In basically every meeting I have with him, he tried to disagree with me and has no experience in what I am giving advice on. He has no problem hearing it when a male colleague backs me up and validates what I said. When I originate it without backup, he tries to tell me I am wrong. Until someone else chimes in. He regularly interrupts any of my comments and doesn’t do the same to other people.
I go into meetings and people assume I am the sectratary and not the decision maker or key stakeholder.
I had a colleague who repeatedly tried to steal my ideas in meetings, repeating them verbatim to take credit.
I go to meetings and people quiz me hard on my qualifications but do not ask anyone else in the room and they assume they are experts without requiring “proof points.” They are taken at face value.
These things may or may not be malicious, but imagine dealing with it on a regular basis. It is just an expectation. I go into meetings with new people knowing I have to spend some extra time sharing my qualifications and experience before saying anything.
So, what exactly is a micro-aggression? I've read the Wikipedia entry, and it still doesn't make any sense. People are constantly annoying each other; it's part of our nature. The key to survival is not to succumb to such irritation but to develop ways of dealing with it, a thick skin as some call it.
It's not just "annoying people."
It's a subtle accumulation of derogatory comments and actions, OFTEN UNINTENTIONAL, that make a person feel like they don't belong.
Jade's secretary example was perfect. Imagine having a master's degree and 10 years of professional experience only to have someone assume you are an admin because, in their mind, the boss should be a certain type of person.
You cannot understand it because you haven't lived her experience. It doesn't stop you from minimizing her experience, obviously.
Like it or not, it's a real thing, and all your arguments about primitive ancestors really don't apply.
Let me tell you some examples I’ve experienced in my work life in recent years. I’m fairly senior and experienced in my field no spent a lot of time consulting in it as well so I know a good amount and have a wide range of experience.
I’ve go a coworker now who has very limited experience in role. Went from a technical job to a marketing job. He has never worked closely with someone in my role. In basically every meeting I have with him, he tried to disagree with me and has no experience in what I am giving advice on. He has no problem hearing it when a male colleague backs me up and validates what I said. When I originate it without backup, he tries to tell me I am wrong. Until someone else chimes in. He regularly interrupts any of my comments and doesn’t do the same to other people.
I go into meetings and people assume I am the sectratary and not the decision maker or key stakeholder.
I had a colleague who repeatedly tried to steal my ideas in meetings, repeating them verbatim to take credit.
I go to meetings and people quiz me hard on my qualifications but do not ask anyone else in the room and they assume they are experts without requiring “proof points.” They are taken at face value.
These things may or may not be malicious, but imagine dealing with it on a regular basis. It is just an expectation. I go into meetings with new people knowing I have to spend some extra time sharing my qualifications and experience before saying anything.
AND you're female. I can SO relate to the part I bolded. I used to work for a mortgage escrow company. I trained new employees. One guy I was training was ALWAYS going to MY boss, challenging the stuff I was teaching him. It was ridiculous.
One time, I was telling him something, and he hopped right out of his chair, went to our supervisor, and reworded what I told him as if to ask if HIS WAY (which was actually my way) was correct or not. I wasn't more than 3 feet away from both of them. Our supervisor confirmed that what I had said was correct, even though she thought it was HIS way. This had me boiling.
Later in the day, I went to our supervisor and told her what was going on. I also laughingly told her that ONE of us was wasting our time, if both of us had to tell him the same information over and over.
Let me tell you some examples I’ve experienced in my work life in recent years. I’m fairly senior and experienced in my field no spent a lot of time consulting in it as well so I know a good amount and have a wide range of experience.
I’ve go a coworker now who has very limited experience in role. Went from a technical job to a marketing job. He has never worked closely with someone in my role. In basically every meeting I have with him, he tried to disagree with me and has no experience in what I am giving advice on. He has no problem hearing it when a male colleague backs me up and validates what I said. When I originate it without backup, he tries to tell me I am wrong. Until someone else chimes in. He regularly interrupts any of my comments and doesn’t do the same to other people.
I go into meetings and people assume I am the sectratary and not the decision maker or key stakeholder.
I had a colleague who repeatedly tried to steal my ideas in meetings, repeating them verbatim to take credit.
I go to meetings and people quiz me hard on my qualifications but do not ask anyone else in the room and they assume they are experts without requiring “proof points.” They are taken at face value.
These things may or may not be malicious, but imagine dealing with it on a regular basis. It is just an expectation. I go into meetings with new people knowing I have to spend some extra time sharing my qualifications and experience before saying anything.
Q: Do you look particularily young for your age? I've had some friends struggle with looking younger than they are and having credibility issues. (Regardless it would still be ignorance on their part, just a different kind)
The secretary stuff, that's messed up, funny how you talk about living in a progressive area but I don't see people doing stupid stuff like that where I work in fly-over country but perhaps that's more a marketing field thing.
As for the a-hole co-worker, idea stealer and so forth I've had to deal with them all and I'm a white dude.
Heck, I have a friend that had to deal with HR because he didn't like the work quality of his new assistant and they went to HR saying he had issues working with Asians and women.
I don't have to worry about someone thinking I'm "the secretary" but I do have to worry about someone flagging me either via malice or misunderstanding as being a creepy old white guy. Heck I got read the riot act when talking in another thread about interns when I said I'd invite a male intern out for a beer after work but not a female intern unless it was a group thing. I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable and I wouldn't want to create even the implication that I was up to something.
It's a subtle accumulation of derogatory comments and actions, OFTEN UNINTENTIONAL, that make a person feel like they don't belong.
Jade's secretary example was perfect. Imagine having a master's degree and 10 years of professional experience only to have someone assume you are an admin because, in their mind, the boss should be a certain type of person.
You cannot understand it because you haven't lived her experience. It doesn't stop you from minimizing her experience, obviously.
Like it or not, it's a real thing, and all your arguments about primitive ancestors really don't apply.
People should treat each other with respect, true, but when there are no real consequences to being disrespectful, some people will go ahead and be disrespectful.
This person's posting is a great example; they state that I am minimizing the OP's experience, and in the same breath they are dismissing or minimizing my own outlook and opinions. No consequences to being disrespectful on the Internet, except that eventually, such people wind up in the ignore bin.
Now in real life, you can't exactly put a disrespectful colleague in the ignore bin; you have to work with them, interact with them, etc.
Look, corporate life is tough. You do have to stand up for yourself, fight for your ideas, carve out a space where people will respect you, people will look up to you, and people will face consequences if they don't. None of this is handed to you on a silver platter.
What the OP describes is a common experience for women in the corporate world, especially in the 70s-80s when women were first coming into the corporate world in large numbers and having to deal with men educated in the Stone Age.
I suppose a major problem for black women in today's working world is the assumption that they are diversity hires, brought in to check off the female box and the POC box. Thus, in order to prove themselves, they have to work ten times as hard. I don't envy them that position. But being resentful and complaining of "accumulated micro-aggressions putting me down" or some such -- this is not the way to win friends and influence people. Work. Win. And then you'll have all the respect.
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