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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 8 days ago)
35,634 posts, read 17,975,706 times
Reputation: 50663
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
OK. That is the opposite concept of what most people think of when you start a conversation about boundaries, so I think that's what confused so many of us. People most often talk about setting boundaries because someone is violating them.
That you were specifically referring to setting so many boundaries that it became a problem for you was not clear in the OP, at least not to me.
Sometimes it helps to re-read what you write before you post as if you are another person reading it for the first time. What might be obvious to us is not always apparent to the reader.
I completely agree. People set up specific boundaries, for specific people, and it's very often for people they have to take care of in some way.
For example, if a relative has mobility problems and doesn't drive, a boundary could be "On Tuesdays I'm available to take you to run errands. Other days of the week I'm not available unless it's an emergency."
I personally don't have anyone right now I have "boundary" lines with. If people keep trying to take advantage of me or have zero filter on their mouths, I don't socialize with them anymore because they're irritating.
Which isn't a boundary. It's a decision not to be around irritating people.
I completely agree. People set up specific boundaries, for specific people, and it's very often for people they have to take care of in some way.
For example, if a relative has mobility problems and doesn't drive, a boundary could be "On Tuesdays I'm available to take you to run errands. Other days of the week I'm not available unless it's an emergency."
I personally don't have anyone right now I have "boundary" lines with. If people keep trying to take advantage of me or have zero filter on their mouths, I don't socialize with them anymore because they're irritating.
Which isn't a boundary. It's a decision not to be around irritating people.
Right. When you find yourself having to set up boundary after boundary, the boundary becomes that person being in your life.
I completely agree. People set up specific boundaries, for specific people, and it's very often for people they have to take care of in some way.
For example, if a relative has mobility problems and doesn't drive, a boundary could be "On Tuesdays I'm available to take you to run errands. Other days of the week I'm not available unless it's an emergency."
I personally don't have anyone right now I have "boundary" lines with. If people keep trying to take advantage of me or have zero filter on their mouths, I don't socialize with them anymore because they're irritating.
Which isn't a boundary. It's a decision not to be around irritating people.
Or else it's the ultimate boundary!
I first learned about boundary-setting when I was getting divorced. That took a restraining order, but he got it after a while.
I had to set boundaries with the intrusive neighbor/friend I mentioned upthread. She is my cat-sitter, and I need her because I go away every month for ten days or so, plus she is genuinely a helpful, good-hearted person--but she is nosy and doesn't follow certain social norms. I learned that she doesn't pick up hints, so now I just tell her straight out that I don't like her doing X or Y. Or I just don't mention things when I know it will be a problem. For example, I have an elderly mother about an hour away. If I mention that I am going to see my mother, her response is, "Oh good! I'll come along!"
No. You won't. My mother isn't waiting to see YOU. So I just don't tell her I'm going. That's another way of setting boundaries--not sharing information that could be a problem.
I first learned about boundary-setting when I was getting divorced. That took a restraining order, but he got it after a while.
I had to set boundaries with the intrusive neighbor/friend I mentioned upthread. She is my cat-sitter, and I need her because I go away every month for ten days or so, plus she is genuinely a helpful, good-hearted person--but she is nosy and doesn't follow certain social norms. I learned that she doesn't pick up hints, so now I just tell her straight out that I don't like her doing X or Y. Or I just don't mention things when I know it will be a problem. For example, I have an elderly mother about an hour away. If I mention that I am going to see my mother, her response is, "Oh good! I'll come along!"
No. You won't. My mother isn't waiting to see YOU. So I just don't tell her I'm going. That's another way of setting boundaries--not sharing information that could be a problem.
Wow. Yeah wow.
She almost sounds autistic/aspergers. The inability to take hints. The need to be blatant in your directions. Your need to NOT mention visiting your mother, s that person assumes she'll just invite herself right along.
Wow. Yeah wow.
She almost sounds autistic/aspergers. The inability to take hints. The need to be blatant in your directions. Your need to NOT mention visiting your mother, s that person assumes she'll just invite herself right along.
shades of deja vu....with the DH.
I don't think she's on the spectrum. She is an old woman (77) but very active and very intelligent. I think what may have happened is that she was a very spoiled young girl, Daddy's favorite, very attached to her father, who died when she was sixteen years old. Sixty years later, she still tears up when she speaks about his death.
I think there was some sort of arrested development after that as far as social skills go. She may not have learned that the world didn't revolve around her. She has three adult children with whom she has tumultuous relationships because nothing they do for her is ever right.
There are healthy boundaries that most people have, and I guess some people are so walled up in their boundaries that they cannot enjoy human connection, and that is a shame. Part of maturing and gaining social skills is getting wise about who it's safe to let in, and how far, and who it's not.
I have a relative who tends to latch on and persuade people to part with all of their resources, and makes really wild life choices, and leaves a trail of broken and destroyed people in her wake. If I let her see me as a means to get money or support, she'd take everything I had and keep on taking, drive me into bankruptcy, all of my belongings would end up sold or abandoned, she'd wreck my life. Her own life is a wreck. I love her DEARLY, but I have to be realistic about what has happened to those who have been very close to her. So we talk on the phone frequently, but I won't even live in the same state as her. She's talked about coming here to Colorado and I tell her the altitude would make her sick. It might...or it might not...but I've managed to keep her at a certain safe distance. The only way I'd consent (in the past, when I could afford to) to help her materially, for a time I paid for a storage unit she needed. But I didn't send her the money directly. If I had, I'd be getting calls saying, "I couldn't afford cat food, so I had to spend it, and then I needed medicine, and can you send more to pay the storage unit so it doesn't get auctioned? If you don't, I'll lose all my stuff by tomorrow!" Nah, I submitted the payment DIRECTLY to the storage facility every month.
Sometimes even with people you love, boundaries are needed. I don't want my life ruined, and I don't want to lose everything I've worked to build and accumulate during my time as an adult. I don't want to be influenced into making bad decisions, and she is really good at persuasion, guilt, and so on.
Recently, I was aware of a situation where someone was in a relationship with a very messy, attention demanding, drama and crisis generating human being, and after they broke up, this person accused them of rape and abuse, and because I know these people, despite my usual tendency to believe and support victims of such, I really REALLY believe that these accusations are being pretty much fabricated just to get our social group to turn on their ex and blacklist them. It's not the first time I've seen someone attempt to use the group to punish someone they didn't like, either. This sort of drama is exactly what happens when you don't exercise sensible boundaries. Me, I'm Switzerland, you leave me out of this.
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