How do you deal with people who don't like change or new things?

[srjth]

Originally Posted by tnff

The situation you described in the first post doesn't align with buying groceries from the same store, but a different location or parking in a different spot. What would be your point in going to a different location or parking in a different spot? Most people like parking in the same spot because they know where the car will be when they come out and don't have to waste time finding it. "Oops, it's in the lot on the other side of the building." Those aren't things that should evoke any kind of thought from you, much less a "Rainman" reaction.

I don't know what you mean by the bolded. I don't know what "align" means. There are so many examples of when this happens that I am citing various ones. The point of going to the same chain store but a different location is because when we are going to do something completely unrelated, the grocery store in a different location is closer. But no she can't go there because she normally shops at the other one. And yes, it is Rainman.


I'm totally ok with routines and definitely ok with doing things for a reason but when the situation calls for a change in routine, then I think one should be able to do it and not fall apart.

[srjth]

Originally Posted by DubbleT

I understand, it gets boring to do the same o'l same ol' all the time and have people close to you not even being willing to TRY. I don't understand the attitude of "I like what I like" because if they won't even try a new thing how do they know they might not like that too?
I don't get angry over it but it is very, very annoying. I find that I wind up trying new things when I'm by myself or I join a group to do things with. When it comes to eating out with friends or family I try to compromise and we take turns choosing where to go, most restaurants have at least a few things that the non adventurous will eat, even if it's just a salad.

Yes, very annoying.

[srjth]

Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe

But, I can give you an example about myself, if you wanted me to try something I've never tried before. First, don't call me and say you're ready to go do something in 5 minutes. I don't do that anymore, and had to stop doing that after my daughter was born in my 20's - unless she was at her dad's :-)

Well that would be spontaneity and people with kids can't be spontaneous. I don't even TRY to do anything spontaneous with my friend. That would be too much (and she doesn't have kids).

I also have pain issues and I have to plan ahead as far as when I'm going to be doing something. For instance, if you and I plan to do something on Wednesday, I know I need to take it easy on Tuesday, and take my shower on Tuesday, so I am in good shape on Wednesday. And my pain issues aren't just because I'm old now. They started in my 40's, because of several injuries. I didn't like to complain about my pain and I only do so now, if people start bugging me to do things outside my comfort zone, and then I need to explain that I'm not avoiding them, I'm dealing with pain.

And because of my pain issues, it's really trying for me to do anything in the evenings. I'm usually all done in as far as physical activity by dinner time.

Pain or health issues I would understand without a doubt. That is not the case here.

I also have a list of things I am not interested in at all - as I'm sure you are, too, OP, even if you say you like trying new things - you're talking about trying new things that you want to do. What you want to try may not sound at all good to someone else.


For instance, I'm not at all interested in sushi. Can't convince me to try it - nope, not even the California roll. Can't stand seaweed, let alone the idea of eating raw fish. But, I'd go and eat tempura, so we could still go to a Japanese place that offers sushi. But, if your mission is to make me eat sushi, forget it.

If you want me to go watch a football game with you either live or at a sports bar, I'd rather have a root canal. Well, I might go if it was during the day and you bought the beer...but you'd owe me.

Just remember that you are one person with wants and desires, and so is the other person. If that person kept trying to get you to do something you had zero interest or was appalled at the thought of - would that make you a bad or uninteresting person?

I try the things they like that I have no interest in. And I do it with an open-mind because I want to spend time together and I like to see them happy. But they can not return the same treatment. So now it starts to feel "all about them" and this is me not liking that.

I have very adventurous friends who would never go to a zoo or a rodeo with me, both of which are things I enjoy. They find them appalling because of animal rights, etc. Ironically, I'm vegan and they are not LOL.

Those, I believe, are values and that's different. I don't hang around people who have vastly different value systems then me.

If you just can't work with your friend's schedule or find some common ground, then look for new friends who want to do those things with you.

My friends have other friends they call when they want to eat sushi or go out in the evenings. I have other friends I go to the rodeo with. And that works for both of us. I'm the daytime adventurer who is up for a trip to a park or a matinee performance, as long as I have at least a day's notice, preferably more. Although, if you called me at the last minute and just wanted to go have lunch, before the pain kicked in full throttle, I could probably handle that. And, I'm normally really good company within those parameters :-)

That's what we are trying to do...trying to work it out. I think I am one of their only friends so that's an issue.

[mainebrokerman]

Originally Posted by srjth

I'm in my late 40's and it seems like in the last several years I have been dealing with a lot of people who don't like change and/or absolutely freak out or go blank at the thought of doing something new. I should note that these are all people who are 40 plus, as well, but I have had experience with one person who was that way in their 20's and 30's. To make matters worse, their inflexibility really bothers me. It makes me angry and I am wondering if me and my reaction is the problem instead. Like maybe this is triggering something I'm unaware of and it's setting me off.


So I guess my question is, how do you deal with people who don't like change or new things? (it can be something as simple as suggesting to eat at a new restaurant- and no, there are no food restrictions involved) or to look at a different website and they freak out. Why? I just don't get it. How do you cope with this?


On the other hand, like I said, maybe it's me. Maybe this is totally normal and my reaction is too much. Maybe I need therapy. I just feel like they are being kind of selfish. Tell me how I'm supposed to deal with this properly and not get riled up.

first of all...HELLO!!

most people are comfortable in their own "systems" or habits .. and change scares or threatens them....could be making them feel vulnerable...because we love being comfortable and having clear expectations..

I believe in chemistry ...two people create a chemistry that's never been created before- unique to them.....and building/growing/nurturing this chemistry means taking on new challenges hand in hand.... this can be very adventurous and exciting.... a healthy relationship ..is one where its ok to be vulnerable or you don't "know it all" or you will embrace change for the greater good..

id try to find out why the resistance to change,,,,,you may find...its past dark clouds are raining on anything new (this happens when we don't let go of past hurts/pain/b.s.) and this is totally unfair....no past relationship clouds should ever be raining on a new relationship....that's sabotage!!

just my 2 cents

[elyn02]

I have interests that my friends don't share and are not willing to try. Therefore, I do it without them and end up meeting new people. I still spend time with my friends doing what they prefer to do which is eating out, getting together for dinner, bbq at the park, etc. These are activities I enjoy as well.

[tnff]

I think I see the problem here.

Originally Posted by srjth

I'm in my late 40's and it seems like in the last several years I have been dealing with a lot of people who don't like change and/or absolutely freak out or go blank at the thought of doing something new. I should note that these are all people who are 40 plus, as well, but I have had experience with one person who was that way in their 20's and 30's. To make matters worse, their inflexibility really bothers me. It makes me angry and I am wondering if me and my reaction is the problem instead. Like maybe this is triggering something I'm unaware of and it's setting me off.
....

Originally Posted by srjth

I'm definitely not talking about doing crazy things, it's very mild, imo, simple things like I referenced before. Like parking in a different spot, trying a new restaurant, shopping at the same chain grocery store, but in a different location, working out on a tues instead of weds. I'm like, "okay relax, Rainman. Everything's going to be okay." I guess I am judging them. It's hard not to. And I am far from an adrenaline junkie. I play it fairly safe. I will work on not showing anger with them but I won't limit my own experience and will probably leave them by themselves.

Originally Posted by srjth

I don't know what you mean by the bolded. I don't know what "align" means. There are so many examples of when this happens that I am citing various ones. The point of going to the same chain store but a different location is because when we are going to do something completely unrelated, the grocery store in a different location is closer. ....

"Align" means your first post implied something significant, a big change, something that would make people "freak out." Then you say "shop at a different location." That just isn't something that would make people "freak out." Then the story changes a bit to "we were going someplace else and it was closer." Someone who would "freak out" at that has true psychological problems and not just simply doesn't want to do something different. It may something as simple as "I have to get refrigerated/frozen stuff and don't want it to melt because of the longer distance from the different store." Have experienced that a lot.

Originally Posted by srjth

... But no she can't go there because she normally shops at the other one. And yes, it is Rainman.

I'm totally ok with routines and definitely ok with doing things for a reason but when the situation calls for a change in routine, then I think one should be able to do it and not fall apart.

So two possibilities here. If you are describing correctly, and that it really is "Rainman" then those are issues that take a deeper level of understanding on your part, and professional help on their part, because they aren't just liking a routine or not liking change. Or, as an alternative, perhaps from their perspective, they aren't seeing "change" but "chaos" and as you noted in your first post, if this is triggering something in you?

[Jezku]

sentimental occasions can be tricky, with expectations (understandable) of "we have always done things this way". helping them understand how it isn't always easy (including real-life issues like feeling sick, having to work--especially relatable examples--can help) and doing things that can show caring otherwise can ease the process.