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How much do you rely on your past, in initial conversations?
It's a lot. Too much. You probably frighten people.
Ask them about themselves. Focus on your present and ONLY when asked. You might be too focused on your trauma of the past to allow anything new in... involve yourself in new, PRESENT activities and ask the people you encounter about topical things. Enjoy the activity. Have good boundaries. Read a good book on etiquette. Read another on healthy boundaries. Don't laser-focus onto a new acquaintance as a potential BFF or mate. Your life experiences are intense... too intense for people with a normal affect, who would make good friends and ease you into their own social circles. In other words, calm down and simply enjoy things at face value.
Best advice I can offer you is to keep your mind busy and entertained with other items. If you happen to meet some new friends, great. But if not, at least stay busy, whether it's reading books, surfing the internet, or doing outdoor items. Good luck!
Thank you. It's what I'm busy with now. I'm taking part in the BBC's 100 books a year challenge (that means I'm reading normally 2 books on personal development or leadership a week). I watch a lot of YouTube videos on current affairs/debates etc. and I work out as often as I can because I need to keep myself healthy [of course, these are not just solitary activities but ones that promote solitude...not that great for my present situation]. But thank you for your good wishes!
OP’s grammar and spelling are not even correct and then there are users, like me, who speak another language natively, so your methodology is faulty.
And believe me or not, but I am a member of MENSA myself. I took the test a while ago, scored above 1% and got there, because it looks good on my resume. If someone believes in the real value of IQ or MENSA, then he misses the real essense of what intelligence can be imho.
I apologise if my grammar and spelling are "not even correct". I have written 3 books and published dozens of articles in internationally respected peer-reviewed journals, so I should know better. I have also served on the Editorial Boards of 6 scholarly journals, which makes any errors even more egregious.
In my defense, I will say I am writing these posts from several different devices and sometimes may "fat-finger" a digital keyboard. I am not pre-reading my material as I am speaking from the "heart" here, so errors may crop up.
However, I would urge you to consider that there is a reason that less than 1% of the world's population hold doctoral degrees. Its because we have consistently and of a high standard contributed to knowledge in our fields and it is only us, academics, whose official job descriptions requires us to "produce new knowledge". That my friend is no small feat. I have taught at the graduate level for about 15 years and can tell you many people are intelligent but not all are able to apply their natural abilities in a critical thinking capacity.
Congratulations on being a member of MENSA, however, I would dismiss any correlation between Mensa’s view of ‘Genius’ based purely on IQ and the real world. Mensa only measures IQ using ‘linear’ convergent thinking puzzles that are timed over a period of one or two hours. Most of the great achievements of humankind were achieved over a lifetime of very hard work and dedication. A two-hour test is nothing more than a two-hour test.
Remember very few Nobel prize winners are MENSA members...that itself should tell you something.
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scored above 1% and got there, because it looks good on my resume. If someone believes in the real value of IQ or MENSA, then he misses the real essense of what intelligence can be imho.
As for grammar and spelling, the comma after "there" is inappropriate because it comes before the dependent clause marker "because", the word "essence" is spelled incorrectly and as an abbreviation, IMHO should be in capitals. [But you're forgiven as the MENSA test may not have been in English].
How much do you rely on your past, in initial conversations?
It's a lot. Too much. You probably frighten people.
Actually not much. I find most people wouldn't understand my academic background (the process toward tenure etc.) and I find it difficult opening up about my psycho-social side.
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You might be too focused on your trauma of the past to allow anything new in
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Good point.
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Don't laser-focus onto a new acquaintance as a potential BFF or mate.
I think that you should try to legally immigrate to the US. You would be an asset, especially because you speak excellent English, your are very intelligent, well-travelled and highly educated. Not all of this country is open but there are many areas where diversity is welcomed and gays are more accepted. You might find your tribe here. How about corresponding with gays in the US? Can your company have you relocated here?
Thank you for the compliment. Actually, although I haven't lived in the US, I have visited many times. I've studied at UC Berkeley's Haas School of Business, the University of Wisconsin-Madison as well as Cornell.
I benefited greatly from my visit to California. I was able to meet a gay-affirming church and although I wasn't there for long enough to make friends, coming from a staunchly Catholic family, it was an incredibly cathartic experience to learn that God loves me just as I am. I was younger then and I'm sure that experience helped me immensely in dealing in coming out to my family.
Yes, I can do much work in the US. But I'm not sure if it will be as meaningful.
Okay, let's get something straight. I am not "resistant" to therapy. However, most therapy should be time-limited. This encourages therapist-client to concentrate on the issues the client enters therapy with and minimises the risk of going off on a tangent. [Time limits also keep costs down, in both the private and public sectors].
Therapy, helps the client develop awareness of the maladaptive content of their thoughts. By doing this the aim is the confront issues rather than resolve them in a direct sense.
The therapy I've already had has shown me my maladaptive attachment patterns. For the first time in over 30 years, I was able to realise just why it is I find it difficult to form intimate relationships. Having achieved the awareness that I have an avoidant attachment style, we explored ways in which those can be addressed on my part.
But here's the rub: Once you've achieved the awareness and have solutions you want to try, you return to the "dark places" (the collective unconscious, which is your environment). If the environment is hostile no matter how successful the therapy and sincere you are about change, efforts are unlikely to yield positive results.
Right now I'm trying to find out a strategy for dealing with the environment.
That is, like you said yourself, a gay SCENE. Not all gay people are on a scene. Looks like you don’t know gay community yourself very well neither.
Fine, I've looked at your posts and you seem to become very defensive when the very real high rates of promiscuity in the gay community are mentioned. I wonder why this is so?
Okay, you tell me. You entered the discussion when it was being suggested that I get a boyfriend - please tell me how you expect me to do that if I don't get involved in "the scene". [Given that there is no meaningful on-line dating platforms].
Research shows that even in the US, which is a much more open & tolerant society only 50% of gay people are publically "out" (HRC Foundation Research). What do you think the statistics look like in South Africa?
Or are you suggesting that "gaydar" is real and I can just sense who is gay???
[P.S.: Again there should be no comma after the word "is" (the dependent clause marker being "like") and your double negative makes no sense! Perhaps you meant "...very well either". Look's like you're a great judge of spelling and grammar]
Thanks for pointing me to the thread. It helps put into context whether my situation is pathological (or abnormal to use the posts words) and whether I need to go into therapy for it. From the posts, having no real friends seems to be the norm.
You're welcome. I don't think that most people need actual therapy about having no friends unless it truly bothers them or they get more & more saddened/depressed about it, &/or it's negatively affecting their daily life & preventing them from doing their job, routine activities, etc.
Here's another different thread on the same subject on this board that you probably want to read through:
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...not that great for my present situation]. But thank you for your good wishes!
. I have taught at the graduate level for about 15 years and can tell you many people are intelligent but not all are able to apply their natural abilities in a critical thinking capacity. 
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