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The only 1 mistake I made in the 80s -- when a glorified date went awry n ended in a marriage.
3 yrs later in late 80s (mostly on paper as she was in US Army) it end via Army lawyer's div. papers sent me from her, & it was uncontested the way 66% of marriages usually end up w/ out kids -- well, that I know of on my part as no one said I they're dad??
Sorry, but you totally lost me with what you were trying to convey here
Why?
Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02 For me, it wasn't about meeting the right person at a young age though I admit to having those feelings at the time. When I pictured myself with a new lover in my life and all the things I would be doing with him, I wondered why I wouldn't try to behave like that with my current husband. There were major transitions in our life which made divorce seem like a good option. Only later did I realize that transitions can be handled with more care, skill, and anticipation so that it doesn't disrupt the ultimate goal of being happy with each other and the goal of going through the transitions together.
Seems plain enough. If meeting a better person, making a happier life, is the reason for contemplating a divorce, then why not try and make the marriage you do have, and the person you do live with, what you imagine the other life would be like? It may not be the perfect thing, but who has a perfect life? And perfection is never perfect. So if you handle transitions with more care and thought and skill you can achieve a ahppier life.
Seems plain enough. If meeting a better person, making a happier life, is the reason for contemplating a divorce, then why not try and make the marriage you do have, and the person you do live with, what you imagine the other life would be like? It may not be the perfect thing, but who has a perfect life? And perfection is never perfect. So if you handle transitions with more care and thought and skill you can achieve a ahppier life.
This is good advice but its VERY hard to put in practice. marriage isn't an art form -- it is not a science but rather its a grey, nebulous, uncharted course w/ up n downs n lots of tests n upheaval.
So, this is WHY I think most fail. Mine failed & in my early 20s last thing I was ready for was committment -- well mental facility commit maybe, lol, --but NOT lifelong solo partner n monogymous, etc etc etc etc etc...
I'm on marriage #3 and, as the old saying goes, the third time's the charm. First marriage, we were both too young, plus she was 4 1/2 months pregnant. My parents and her deputy sheriff dad said we were getting married. Two years.
Second marriage lasted just short of 20 years. I thought things were going good. 2 kids, nice house. But she wasn't happy, felt there wasn't any love in the marriage. Did all I could to show her.
Met #3 and it just seemed right for both of us. I had a feeling with this one that I didn't have with the other two. 18 years and going strong.
Please explain how a legal document makes someone more nurturing, more loving, more attentive to their children...a better parent?
Which simply illustrates that people from all walks of life can be judgmental.
What’s funny is that I grew up in an affluent family with affluent friends and neighbors. Some of the most dysfunctional families I ever met were families with a lot of money. They’d talk other people down while their own lives were a total **** show behind the scenes. Their kids married “right”, and handed their kids off to nannies or some daycare center where strangers just minded rather than teaching them anything ( just like their parents did to them), while they were off advancing in their careers and chasing the almighty dollar. Keeping up with the Jones was like an obsession that seemed to morph into do or die.
And .. just like their parents ( and mine) they mollified their kids with “stuff” to appease them for not being there for them. I am not saying that they weren’t good parents or didn’t have their kids best interest in mind, but rather just got caught up in the rat race. Most seemed like they were under a lot of stress and not really all that happy with their lot in life. I still have some of those friends, but hardly ever get to see them because they’re working or putting out a fire somewhere in their lives.
Seems plain enough. If meeting a better person, making a happier life, is the reason for contemplating a divorce, then why not try and make the marriage you do have, and the person you do live with, what you imagine the other life would be like? It may not be the perfect thing, but who has a perfect life? And perfection is never perfect. So if you handle transitions with more care and thought and skill you can achieve a ahppier life.
How does this apply to me though? I’ve never been married so I’ve never been divorced. My point was that I don’t feel like I need to sign a legal contract in order to prove my devotion to my partner or our soon to be born child. I am not trading one person for another, I am trading the rat race for a simpler life with a simple guy. The very first guy I’ve ever committed to, live with or expecting a child with.
Last edited by Sydney123; 01-25-2020 at 07:23 PM..
I'm on marriage #3 and, as the old saying goes, the third time's the charm. First marriage, we were both too young, plus she was 4 1/2 months pregnant. My parents and her deputy sheriff dad said we were getting married. Two years.
Second marriage lasted just short of 20 years. I thought things were going good. 2 kids, nice house. But she wasn't happy, felt there wasn't any love in the marriage. Did all I could to show her.
Met #3 and it just seemed right for both of us. I had a feeling with this one that I didn't have with the other two. 18 years and going strong.
I have a friend who’s sister just celebrated her 40th wedding anniversary. My friend told me that she was a little jealous of her sister. I said, you’ve nothing to be jealous about. You’ve been married like 40 times.. it shows you’re not a quitter. ( she’s on her third)
I think it's usually more financially advantageous to be married only once (with all else being equal) - I know I lost a lot of traction via divorce. So wealth accumulation would have been way better for me if I had stayed married to #1.
Yes, that's definitely true. I'd never recommend someone stay married just for money reasons if they're miserable. But you have to weigh that against the fact that a lack of money can make you miserable, too!
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness
I also do not believe that monogamy is natural
That's true, but if you're implying it's not worth the effort if it's not natural, I don't necessarily agree with that. Human nature is flawed. When we are allowed to follow all of our natural instincts without restraint, life quickly becomes nasty, brutish, and short for all of us.
Both sets of my grandparents were married for over 50 years. My parents have been married 30 years and are still going strong. I am 30 and my partner is 24. We’re expecting our first kid and we’re not married nor planning on getting married. We don’t feel the need to join into a legally binding contract in front of a bunch of witnesses or sign on the dotted line in order to prove our devotion to one another or our child/children. We are taking each other at our word ( just like married folks), but we don’t feel the need for that little piece of paper to complete the deal. I am comfortable with my partner “wanting to be with me” rather than feeling obligated because we “signed a paper”. YMMV.
Sounds good in theory, but often doesn't work out well in practice. Even liberal researchers are admitting the benefits of marriage, especially to children:
Taking a vow before friends and family to support another person “until death do us part” signals a mutual sense of shared responsibility that cannot be lightly dismissed. Cohabitation is more fragile — cohabiting parents split up before their fifth anniversary at about twice the rate of married parents. Often, this is because the father moves on, leaving the mother not just with less support but with fewer marriage prospects. For her, marriage requires finding a partner willing to take responsibility for someone else’s kids.
..a wealth of research strongly suggests that marriage is good for children. Those who live with their biological parents do better in school and are less likely to get pregnant or arrested. They have lower rates of suicide, achieve higher levels of education and earn more as adults. Meanwhile, children who spend time in single-parent families are more likely to misbehave, get sick, drop out of high school and be unemployed.
I'm hoping that your family will be the exception to those rather grim statistics. We all like to think our situation is the exception. Now that I'm pushing 50, I know I'm not the exception to nearly as many things as I thought I was when I was 30...Just saying.
It may seem like an improbability to you, and it is, but it DOES happen. If that piece of paper truly means nothing to you, just go do it and put both of you in a safer place financially.
I usually don't buy it when people say "it's just a piece of paper". If it's just a piece of paper, and not a big deal, why not do it? I think that line is often used as a smokescreen to cover up fear of commitment.
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