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I have a mentally ill family member who every three months or so accuses me of things I never did. My first reaction has always been to angrily say that I didn't do it. Then an intense, heated argurment breaks out with this person always having to yell and get the last word. Nothing is ever resolved and for 25 years, they have wrongly thought I'm a liar and a thief.
Recently, I read an article that suggests an angry reaction to an accusation can indicate guilt. That explains some things that the mentally ill relative has said to me over the years. I think they take my reaction as a sign of guilt. However, I'm not like most people and my reactions don't necessarily mean anything. As an example, I can have an angry expression, but be in a good mood (I believe I have undiagnosed Asperger's).
I would definitely like to hear opinions on this subject. I would like to try having a different reaction.
My reaction would probably be stunned silence and wondering why the person is abusing me with this, and wondering what they have to gain. I don’t know that I’d waste my time trying to defend or justify myself to a liar or deluded person. I’d let them get on with it and have nothing to do with them.
You say this has been going on 25 years and it’s obvious that nothing you say will alter this persons behaviour and viewpoint so why react, why get angry, why even stay in the same room.
My reaction would probably be stunned silence and wondering why the person is abusing me with this, and wondering what they have to gain. I don’t know that I’d waste my time trying to defend or justify myself to a liar or deluded person. I’d let them get on with it and have nothing to do with them.
You say this has been going on 25 years and it’s obvious that nothing you say will alter this persons behaviour and viewpoint so why react, why get angry, why even stay in the same room.
Agree. OP you stated that this person is mentally ill. If you realize this pattern of behavior is most likely their illness speaking why get angry? Your angry reaction is probably frustration that you can't ever "get through" to them. Kind of like getting angry when it decides to rain. A waste of your energy and its unnecessarily draining. If you accept that you probably never will make this person see reality, you won't become angry.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-12-2019 at 01:34 AM..
I have a mentally ill family member who every three months or so accuses me of things I never did. My first reaction has always been to angrily say that I didn't do it. Then an intense, heated argurment breaks out with this person always having to yell and get the last word. Nothing is ever resolved and for 25 years, they have wrongly thought I'm a liar and a thief.
Recently, I read an article that suggests an angry reaction to an accusation can indicate guilt. That explains some things that the mentally ill relative has said to me over the years. I think they take my reaction as a sign of guilt. However, I'm not like most people and my reactions don't necessarily mean anything. As an example, I can have an angry expression, but be in a good mood (I believe I have undiagnosed Asperger's).
I would definitely like to hear opinions on this subject. I would like to try having a different reaction.
An angry reaction that is repeated means a willingness to continue the negative interaction. If somebody thought I was a liar, they don't hear from me again.
I have a mentally ill family member who every three months or so accuses me of things I never did. My first reaction has always been to angrily say that I didn't do it. Then an intense, heated argurment breaks out with this person always having to yell and get the last word. Nothing is ever resolved and for 25 years, they have wrongly thought I'm a liar and a thief.
Recently, I read an article that suggests an angry reaction to an accusation can indicate guilt. That explains some things that the mentally ill relative has said to me over the years. I think they take my reaction as a sign of guilt. However, I'm not like most people and my reactions don't necessarily mean anything. As an example, I can have an angry expression, but be in a good mood (I believe I have undiagnosed Asperger's).
I would definitely like to hear opinions on this subject. I would like to try having a different reaction.
- In relation to what I colored in red, this is not true, even if I supposed that the science said that, it's not accurate. You don't need a lot to prove it, just think about it. Someone accused you of something you've never done, how do you expect the reaction to be? happy, cheerful, relaxed of course not.
Because, feeling of anger/ upset over something you were accused of and never did it, is the normal feeling.
At the same time, about the REACTION in particular, to be angry and speak in an anger way over accusation wrongly although, it's a normal thing and may give a significant sign of innocence BUT it's NOT a RULE that you can already judge people based on it alone.
The truth & the accurate thing is, all cases are existed: ( Which related to the reactions)
He could be:
-Angry & defend himself angrily = He is innocent. -Angry & defend himself angrily = He is guilty. -Calm, speak calmly and not try to defend himself = He is innocent -Calm, speak calmly, and not try to defend himself= He is guilty
All cases and reactions are existed surprisingly, this issue is really complex sometimes. So, don't try to put a constant rule about it here, that's if you want to be FAIR.
I'll not go deeply about this issue, let's focus on the particular case you stated.
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- You stated that you have a mentally ill family member, the first question is, do you REALLY MEANT this term or you just use it colloquially? It seems as if you used it colloquially, like the other words (depressed, crazy...etc.) people use it all the time colloquially while they don't really mean it literally. I don't think that your relative is actually diagnosed with mental ill, otherwise, you wouldn't need to be so angry over his repeated accusations. Just say, he's mentally ill and get over it.
Honestly, I imagine if there is someone who repeatedly accuses me with something I never did, in the first time, I think my reaction would be shocked, angry and upset; in the second time, the same; in the third time, I would be angry but less than the first time because I already realized that there is something wrong with him; in the fourth time, I would crack up laughing at his face. No need to speak or to defend or even to say no, I didn't do anything. If he's a normal person, he would already realize his mistake/problem, he must feel embarrassed/ashamed of himself to not have other than me for accusations.
- In a case that your family member wasn't officially diagnosed with mental ill, so you just used the term " mentally ill" colloquially as what it seems, according to me. He's been accusing you for 25 years !!!!! I wonder when did this start? at which age?
There is something crossed my mind when I read your thread, and I'd like to pay your attention to it anyway, I'm NOT saying it's the reason but MAYBE plying a role in his repeated accusations and you don't know.
Since this person started accusing you for 25 Y, and still in the same way, I wonder IF there is an incidence that happened at some point in the PAST where you were lied on him or took something from him (it could be misunderstood) and he was right in his accusations, and _ due to that particular incidence_ he still had/have a negative impression about you which means he STILL DID NOT GET OVER IT. If so, then we can understand the source that feeds his repeated accusations to you every time.
If you have given an example of one of his accusation and how you reply on it in details, it would be better to judge the case and understand both of you.
I have severe ADD (along with occasional anxiety and depression) and my reactions are not what would be considered "neurotypical" - i absolutely will never take a lie detector test. The way my brain jumps around, a question could trigger a memory of or association with an experience from decades ago that has nothing to do with the topic at hand and I would react in a seriously abnormal way. With my anxiety I can create convoluted stories in my head that verge on delusional. I once convinced myself after running over a collapsed box in the middle of the highway late at night that I had instead run over a homeless person. No rational reason, but I had to loop back and reassure myself that I was being ridiculous.
IMO, there are no "normal" reactions and a mentally ill person having an episode would not know how to recognize anything other than what their brain is telling them is the truth.
I know for sure an angry reaction doesn't always mean guilt. I can think of an example from my twenties.
When I was first dating the guy I later married, we went to a local chicken shack, the typical place where you order and pick up your food up front. Back then, everybody either paid for stuff like this with cash or a check. The cashier looked at his check and said, "This check isn't a high enough number, you need to pay cash." For the rest of the time we were together, 14 years, I never saw this man as enraged as when the cashier implied that he didn't have enough money to pay the bill. He grabbed my hand and said, "We're out of here," and we never went back.
This was a man who had been in a very well paying job for several years, he saved way more than he spent, and throughout our marriage we always had more than enough money. He was just angry to be challenged in front of someone on whom he wanted to make a good impression. The fact that the accusation was false had no effect whatsoever on the level of his anger.
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No need to speak or to defend or even to say no, I didn't do anything. If he's a normal person, he would already realize his mistake/problem, he must feel embarrassed/ashamed of himself to not have other than me for accusations. 
