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It seems like "feelings" are one of the first things little kids are taught, right after letters, shapes, and farm animals. They're basically taught to memorize emotion words like they're taught to memorize shapes. As they get older, they're expected to fluently explain their emotional state, like "I feel ____." Even as adults, people are expected to use emotion words extensively when talking to a significant other.
And let's not forget talk therapy. If you can't rattle off satisfactory answers to the "How did that make you feel?" question (read: the ones the therapist is looking for), he/she will quickly lose respect for you, and will start gaslighting you to bring you in line with his/her "feelings" agenda. Granted, knowing which "feelings word" to use is a good social skill, but it's overemphasized and wrongly taught.
It's definitely an American thing. I don't know of any other culture, Western or non-Western, that puts so much emphasis on "feelings". (I know Denmark and Norway highly value hygge, which approximately translates as "social coziness", having no English equivalent.) And is it just me, but is "talking about feelings" overrated? I mean, we put so much emphasis on how someone feels, that we ignore what he/she does to address a situation that made them feel that way. It's "feel this" and "feel that". And we indoctrinate our kids that "feelings" are the be-all and end-all, and lose actions in the shuffle.
I mean, it's good that we teach people to verbalize their emotional state, but we put too much emphasis on it. How about briefly acknowledging what you're feeling, then finding ways to keep a good feeling or get out of a bad one. Otherwise, it isn't much different from everybody getting a participation trophy.
Thoughts?
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 04-24-2019 at 06:23 PM..
When you're going through a tough time, talking about it can help. I'm not sure, just how much though. I think some people need to talk through things for as long as it takes them. Others might not feel the need to ruminate so much. To each their own.
It seems like "feelings" are one of the first things little kids are taught, right after letters, shapes, and farm animals. They're basically taught to memorize emotion words like they're taught to memorize shapes.
On what firsthand experience are you basing this?
Children are also taught words for weather conditions and days of the week. Are you opposed to that as well? I know people who verbalize about the weather WAY more than they do about their feelings, and it's much more annoying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
As they get older, they're expected to fluently explain their emotional state, like "I feel ____." Even as adults, people are expected to use emotion words extensively when talking to a significant other.
Expected by whom? In what situations? Extensively? Really!?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
And let's not forget talk therapy. If you can't rattle off satisfactory answers to the "How did that make you feel?" question (read: the ones the therapist is looking for), he/she will quickly lose respect for you, and will start gaslighting you to bring you in line with his/her "feelings" agenda.
AH, finally, we arrive at your actual point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
It's definitely an American thing. I don't know of any other culture, Western or non-Western, that puts so much emphasis on "feelings". (I know Denmark and Norway highly value hygge, which approximately translates as "social coziness", having no English equivalent.)
Based on what you've watched on TV?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
And is it just me, but is "talking about feelings" overrated? I mean, we put so much emphasis on how someone feels, that we ignore what he/she does to address a situation that made them feel that way. It's "feel this" and "feel that". And we indoctrinate our kids that "feelings" are the be-all and end-all, and lose actions in the shuffle.
It's not just you, but this is an agenda for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
I mean, it's good that we teach people to verbalize their emotional state, but we put too much emphasis on it. How about briefly acknowledging what you're feeling, then finding ways to keep a good feeling or get out of a bad one. Otherwise, it isn't much different from everybody getting a participation trophy.
Thoughts?
I don't believe your premise is accurate. This comes across as an insulated rant based on perception but not reality.
WHO puts too much emphasis on verbalizing our emotional state? No one has demanded that I verbalize my emotional state lately. Where are you seeing this?
No, it's underrated. Not talking about them is the reason we live in this messed up word. You can't escape feelings. They won't just magically disappear because you don't acknowledge them. They're still there...waiting for you to get it. Unexpressed feelings will manifest in your body as disease. That bottled energy has to go SOMEWHERE...
I have to agree with Birdie, OP; I've somehow missed out on this cultural programing about expressing feelings, and memorizing the language of feelings, lol. I've tried different therapists, and none asked me how an event made me feel.
However, I think, that given the cultural background we come from, which I trace to the Victorian era of keeping a stiff upper lip and stifling any display of emotion, it's not a bad thing, to tell people, starting in childhood, that it's ok to express feelings. Maybe if more kids had learned that, we wouldn't have young men gunning down schools and movie theaters full of people.
IDK. Bottling things up, as people did in previous generations, isn't healthy. If little boys are still getting the message, that to "be a man" (which is a ridiculous message to give little boys), they need to stuff their feelings, maybe school lessons about feelings are called for.
However, I think, that given the cultural background we come from, which I trace to the Victorian era of keeping a stiff upper lip and stifling any display of emotion, it's not a bad thing, to tell people, starting in childhood, that it's ok to express feelings. Maybe if more kids had learned that, we wouldn't have young men gunning down schools and movie theaters full of people.
When people are taught to only name and/or express emotions, without actually doing anything about them, that's when I fail to see the benefits of it. It's far better to identify a feeling and figure out what to do about it.
And in the school shooting scenario, what good will talking about angry emotions do? It's just words. Isn't it better to brainstorm a way to change the situation, so there wouldn't be needless anger, rather than just talk about "feelings"?
When people are taught to only name and/or express emotions, without actually doing anything about them, that's when I fail to see the benefits of it. It's far better to identify a feeling and figure out what to do about it.
Who is teaching this, and where?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
And in the school shooting scenario, what good will talking about angry emotions do? It's just words. Isn't it better to brainstorm a way to change the situation, so there wouldn't be needless anger, rather than just talk about "feelings"?
Discussing ways to change the situation is part of therapy. It's included in "talking about feelings."
I'm just glad I live on planet Earth, I don't have experience with the world the OP describes.
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I mean, we put so much emphasis on how someone feels, that we ignore what he/she does to address a situation that made them feel that way. It's "feel this" and "feel that". And we indoctrinate our kids that "feelings" are the be-all and end-all, and lose actions in the shuffle.
