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There are no excuses for abuse but there are reasons why abuse happens. Those need to be explored. What piqued my interest was one's point of view of love. A person would feel they were being loving, when to an outsider, they were being abusive to the child. The child has no access the outsider's point of view and their own view has been shaped by the parent's language as well as the parent's consequences and this is done year after year. It was also shaped by their inability to share their true feelings. How many times have members on City-data pointed out to an Original Poster that they were either being abusive or were being abused? Why is it that people don't recognize abuse?
Oh believe me, and thankfully Elyn, I recognized it was abuse at a very young age. Actually when I was five became acquainted with my foster family....I don't believe there is an excuse for abuse, however, as you say, there are most certainly reasons for it.
The reason I was and always will be so interested in this is b/c from little growing up, I feared, and feared so much I'd cry myself to sleep begging God not to let me be this way to my children. I sought out help at a very early age, b/c I had read that an abused child can become the abuser....and that scared the beegesus out of me....
There are many days since my mother died, that I feel so sorry for her...and if that doesn't suit others well, that''s fine, I'll take the judgement....I don't care....but my foster mother always said, "she is still your mother, never hate her?" And I promised her I wouldn't and always continue to work on my own personal well being.
I have done pretty good, both in life and life experiences. Due to the abuse, I made some very lame life choices...lack of confidence, not feeling that I deserved better...etc....
But that is now gone...and quit frankly I don't care what people think of me, as long as I walk the straight and narrow the very best I can.
And I'm very proud of my son.
People seem to feel badly for me, when I share my story, it's ok, I'm ok, just sometime ya gotta talk about it....the main thing is, there is peace, and I'm so thankful for my life.
Gotta throw the b.s. flag on that one, elyn02.
Perversion, not love. Perps use others to get their jollies. For them it's not about love.
If they associate love with their particular flavor of abuse, it's about justification in their own twisted mind. Of course there's a reason, but there's no justification. No excuse. They are wrong, behaving badly, and need to stop (and if possible be punished). They ruin lives.
Maybe if you had had a father like my mother did, your mind would be twisted to? I'm not trying to be argumentative....he was always drunk, and not only beat the girls but forced himself on them. My one aunt, killed herself, she couldn't take it and saw no way out...I can't be as harsh feeling as you are, b/c I don't believe it is a cut and dry situation....and this is where our government has failed us...they should be doing studies, and put their hearts minds and souls into education...and teaching kids how to parent, how to write a check, how to be self sufficient...etc.
I think instead of throwing blame we need to figure out as a society how to stop abuse, and I believe poverty, and lack of education causes some of it....as well as if a child grows up in an abusive family there is a chance that child may be abusive.....not always...but there is a chance...depends on the situation and the child.
Gotta throw the b.s. flag on that one, elyn02.
Perversion, not love. Perps use others to get their jollies. For them it's not about love.
If they associate love with their particular flavor of abuse, it's about justification in their own twisted mind. Of course there's a reason, but there's no justification. No excuse. They are wrong, behaving badly, and need to stop (and if possible be punished). They ruin lives.
Does an abuser call their 'love' perversion? Does an abuser label their own behavior as abuse? I think most of the time, they do not. Do they know what they are doing is wrong. Yes. However, the language is missing from a child's vocabulary. Don't you think that would shape their point of view of what is happening? At what point do they call their abuser's love perverted?
When I say I am looking for a reason, I am not actually looking for 'who' or 'why' but 'how'. The 'how' tells me why it is perpetuated. There is an imbalance of power especially through language or lack of it. Since an abused child's vocabulary may be limited or shaped in a way that benefits the abuser, for example, "doing the best she or he can", there needs to be another way to level the playing field, to make abusers accountable because it sounds like they do not often take responsibility.
In an abusive home the imbalance of power happens when the abuser's unregulated emotions take precedence over all others. I would start there.
OP very awesome that you take pride in your son. Nice job, mom!
He was so easy to raise, such a good child...thoughtful and polite...he served in the Air Force and is now a police officer.
Owns a great sense of humor and love for life and people.
I suggested when he was in school to travel, to join the military and then come back and do college...which would be a great teacher....he did, (only time he took my advice) lol....he is a good husband and father....he helps around the house, and feels it's no one's job to do certain things, if both are working then they both pitch in....he also did a tour in Afghanistan, teaching them how to police. He is now a K-9 officer.
what I enjoyed the most was being a mom, and enjoyed that he bought all his friends home...very much enjoyed those kids....when he left for the military the house became very quiet....that was difficult to get used to....
no matter what his marks were in school always tried to encourage him to give him confidence, and taught him how to be independent so he wouldn't turn out to be a lazy husband. Also, the military had it's share in that....as well....
He learned how to fly and took me on several rides which was fun....would I go up again, heck no...lol back then I had more courage. lol
Gotta throw the b.s. flag on that one, elyn02.
Perversion, not love. Perps use others to get their jollies. For them it's not about love.
If they associate love with their particular flavor of abuse, it's about justification in their own twisted mind. Of course there's a reason, but there's no justification. No excuse. They are wrong, behaving badly, and need to stop (and if possible be punished). They ruin lives.
have to agree here hunterseat.. I think its all a form of perversion too.. to abuse children for any reasons.. I saw a relative go through a hellish life with a drunk father and a mother who wouldnt leave with her daughter when she had the chance... she stayed with him till he died and her daughter died shortly after her father still quite a young woman... Both ruined her health and her life.. and why she had heart problems as well as mental and alcohol problems . all caused by her horrible upbriinging and both parents being so uncaring .... Some dont ever deserve to have a child or children.. and more should be done to protect the young...
have to agree here hunterseat.. I think its all a form of perversion too.. to abuse children for any reasons.. I saw a relative go through a hellish life with a drunk father and a mother who wouldnt leave with her daughter when she had the chance... she stayed with him till he died and her daughter died shortly after her father still quite a young woman... Both ruined her health and her life.. and why she had heart problems as well as mental and alcohol problems . all caused by her horrible upbriinging and both parents being so uncaring .... Some dont ever deserve to have a child or children.. and more should be done to protect the young...
Nobody is disagreeing that it is perversion. I think there is a perception that I am making up excuses, which I don't believe so.
have to agree here hunterseat.. I think its all a form of perversion too.. to abuse children for any reasons.. I saw a relative go through a hellish life with a drunk father and a mother who wouldnt leave with her daughter when she had the chance... she stayed with him till he died and her daughter died shortly after her father still quite a young woman... Both ruined her health and her life.. and why she had heart problems as well as mental and alcohol problems . all caused by her horrible upbriinging and both parents being so uncaring .... Some dont ever deserve to have a child or children.. and more should be done to protect the young...
yes, but where do you draw the line, who decides who should and should not have children....?
I believe if a parent or parents have been reported for child abuse, and it is proven, they should never give the children back, but now a days, even a sexual abusive parent is set free? Why? Our laws need to be strict, but you can't dictate who should and should not be a parent, unless they have a history of child abuse, drug abuse, etc?
I don't know, it's a fine line when you think about it and could be very dangerous?
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lol....he is a good husband and father....he helps around the house, and feels it's no one's job to do certain things, if both are working then they both pitch in....he also did a tour in Afghanistan, teaching them how to police. He is now a K-9 officer. 
