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This pregnancy is starting off on the wrong foot with mother/daughter/baby. Step back and take a breath Grandma to be...
OP, just let it go, go to the baby shower your daughter wants and contribute money towards it IF YOU WANT.
If not, buy a gift, go and enjoy yourself. Your daughter's hormones are all messed up and it isn't worth having you OR her upset over this.
In the whole picture, try to look at this as trivial and not worth fighting over or stressing about.
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When my DIL had a baby shower, we helped them financially (not the whole price) and I helped her when she was opening her gifts. I was pooped by the time it was over. I wasn't too pleased that her mother sat there watching and did nothing to help with anything. I didn't say anything, but I was pissed.
No wonder my DIL respects me more than her mother when it comes to any decision making or helping out on anything important in her life!
I don't understand. It seems to me it's a gift grab regardless of who throws it. What am I missing?
The daughter even said: "the more people, the more gifts!"
Yes, it's definitely a gift grab no matter how you look at it, but at least when a shower is given by a friend and not a close relative, it's not a gift grab for your daughter, or sister.
No, she decided she does not want my shower and her friend is now the new host and in charge. I am only allowed to contribute financially now.
Sorry if my daughter decided to make a change like that and posted on Facebook before even letting me know I wouldn't feel the need to contribute financially to this new party. I would still buy her wonderful gifts for the new baby but not give money for the actual event itself. Now if she came to me after talking with her husband and others and decided she wanted to now include men and increase the guest list and thought maybe a new place would be better suited for a larger crowd...then yes I would still help out financially (but not foot the entire bill).
I haven't read past the first page of the posts, so if I am repeating something, or if something else has come up since then, sorry.
The first phrase that popped into my head was "No good deed goes unpunished."
The second thought was that your daughter is learning the ins and outs of social etiquette and finding out that things can be tricky, and that there are other feelings involved than just her own.
This could be a hard lesson so thankfully she is learning it via her mother, not some casual friend or business acquaintance. But there are lots of lessons to be learned here and I hope she is receptive to learning them.
I don't think you are wrong to be irritated. I also don't think you are wrong to share your feelings and perspective with your daughter. HOWEVER, I do think that you should be gracious about it and not get too crunk.
I disagree with you and think you missed the point. While doubling the budget is a concern, it is not what I am upset about. I feel she did me wrong by setting up another venue and catering. She was perfectly fine with what I had arranged for her, and I had planned to do it very nicely without cutting corners...because it was for HER.
When she said that the reason she and her husband wanted to find a venue and caterer that was a cop out. To make it seem like she was doing this ON MY BEHALF, when she really just wanted to amp up her party. She even said "the more people, the more gifts!"
I just feel if she was not happy with the event I was planning for her she should have come to me and talked to me about it, not let me open up FB and see the invitation which I had no idea she and her friend had planned.
I am not ashamed that I do not have $875 for the food to be catered. That is only a small issue and one which I could easily discuss with her. This is about principle....a person offers to throw someone a party to include everything, the person who the event is for decides they want it more lavish and changes the host and event without letting the original party thrower know. That to me is just plain WRONG!
I agree that she should've let you know before you opened up Facebook to find out. But that's it.
Come to find out, she and presumably, her husband, found out they had more friends who would want to attend. More than the 12 to 15 you envisioned.
I know this...sometimes when friends put their heads together and start brainstorming, things move fast. I suspect that might be what happened in this situation. I can understand being peeved finding out the way you did...but your daughter DID try and spare your feelings.
It doesn't seem like she is trying to completely keep you out of the shower...I'd suggest just trying to roll with the situation, and ask how and if you can help.
Exactly. Also, it's not just a belief - it's proper etiquette.
It's totally rude for a close family member to throw a shower for their daughter or sister, etc. It's not "old etiquette" it's current etiquette and also common sense, if one doesn't want to be totally rude. The only time it's acceptable for a mother to throw a party for their child is when the child is actually a child and having a birthday party. Otherwise it comes off as a gift grab and that's because that's exactly what it is. Totally embarrassing!
In this case, I think the best gift this person could get would be some kind of etiquette book! LOL
OK had to respond to this.
When my daughter had her first child, she was also one of the first of her friends to do so. They all lived in little apartments or whatever. Meanwhile, I had a really nice, huge covered outdoor area that was perfect for large gatherings. So her best friend asked to host a shower, but could we have it at our house? Yes, of course, and also of course I helped with the hosting - I mean it was at my house and these poor girls - they were all so young! This was the first big baby shower that any of them had ever been involved with and they were all so excited and helpful. So sweet! Of course, I had known most of these girls and their families for many years at that point.
Everyone chipped in, it was nothing fancy, and I also invited some of my friends who had known my daughter for most of her life - it was a very pleasant afternoon. Just a bunch of women of all ages getting together and eating finger food and bringing presents - which my daughter actually did need and use.
One thing that did surprise me is how packed it was - I think everyone who was invited actually showed up with presents.
This was about seventeen years ago. Maybe times have changed, I don't know. But I was simply trying to be accommodating and no one ever said a single negative thing about it to my knowledge. And I'm sure that some people thought I was actually hosting the event since it was at my house. And also I did invite some friends of mine who knew my daughter. But like I said, the whole thing was really casual - and we didn't play any silly games that everyone dreads either!
A) Well, you're not supposed to throw or plan your own shower. It's thrown for you. Sure, you might help the hostess some with the guest list, but otherwise you just show up.
B) This is the 3rd child. Traditionally, showers are only supposed to be held for the 1st child. Sure, tradition and etiquette change, but looking for a huge party for your third child? C'mon. That's a cash/gift grab.
C) What happened to the days when showers were simple affairs at someone's house? *Especially for the third freaking kid.
LOL I agree.
I didn't even have a shower for my second or third child. But when I was surprised with my fourth pregnancy (and child), one thing that was really touching to me was that a group of girlfriends did give me a shower, and one of the most precious gifts they gave me was a baby quilt, hand made. That shower was at someone's house by the way. Simple affair but very touching to me.
For a THIRD baby, it makes more sense to me to have a small, casual party. Presumably, you already have a majority of the things you need after the first baby or two.
My niece had a "Baby Sprinkle" for her third child. It was a casual affair and lots of fun to get together and celebrate. Afternoon tea: finger sandwiches, cakes, etc.
OP, I understand why you feel hurt. I would feel the same way. But things have changed a lot in the past few years. Everything has to be Instagram spectacular these days. How will other people know how important and special you are if you don't splash lavish photos all over your social media pages?
When my daughter had her first child, she was also one of the first of her friends to do so. They all lived in little apartments or whatever. Meanwhile, I had a really nice, huge covered outdoor area that was perfect for large gatherings. So her best friend asked to host a shower, but could we have it at our house? Yes, of course, and also of course I helped with the hosting - I mean it was at my house and these poor girls - they were all so young! This was the first big baby shower that any of them had ever been involved with and they were all so excited and helpful. So sweet! Of course, I had known most of these girls and their families for many years at that point.
Everyone chipped in, it was nothing fancy, and I also invited some of my friends who had known my daughter for most of her life - it was a very pleasant afternoon. Just a bunch of women of all ages getting together and eating finger food and bringing presents - which my daughter actually did need and use.
One thing that did surprise me is how packed it was - I think everyone who was invited actually showed up with presents.
This was about seventeen years ago. Maybe times have changed, I don't know. But I was simply trying to be accommodating and no one ever said a single negative thing about it to my knowledge. And I'm sure that some people thought I was actually hosting the event since it was at my house. And also I did invite some friends of mine who knew my daughter. But like I said, the whole thing was really casual - and we didn't play any silly games that everyone dreads either!
What you are describing is totally different than what I was criticizing. There was absolutely no reason to not have that shower at your house. You weren't throwing the shower, her best friend was and they were using your large and seemingly perfect location to hold the party. I'm pretty sure that both Miss Manners and Emily Post would approve of what you did - lol. (And FWIW, which is absolutely nothing - I also approve! lol)
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