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From experience I know he'll come after me if he knows where I am. I can't keep trying to outrun him. So I've left him, this time for good.
The new place will be a rental in an undisclosed location until the property and asset issues are settled, the divorce is final and I can buy my own house.
From experience I know he'll come after me if he knows where I am. I can't keep trying to outrun him. So I've left him, this time for good.
The new place will be a rental in an undisclosed location until the property and asset issues are settled, the divorce is final and I can buy my own house.
I wish you well.
My suggestion is to try anti-depression or anti-anxiety medication again. I know a person who is on an extremely low dosage, one quarter of one standard size pill a day(with one or two pills a typical dose) and it makes an amazing difference --- if she accidently forgets to take that tiny, tiny dose each day she will often get teary and sad. It certainly does not make her like a zombie or dull her senses, it just makes her feel better about everything. Sometimes the first medication does not work well or has side effects than your doctor can prescribe something else. IMHO, keep trying until you find something that works.
I would imagine that being married to someone who is autistic must be/have been extremely demanding and lonely. Good luck to you as you explore a new life on your own.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-29-2019 at 03:46 PM..
My suggestion is to try anti-depression or anti-anxiety medication again. I know a person who is on an extremely low dosage, one quarter of one standard size pill a day(with one or two pills a typical dose) and it makes an amazing difference --- if she accidently forgets to take that tiny, tiny dose each day she will often get teary and sad. It certainly does not make her like a zombie or dull her senses, it just makes her feel better about everything. Sometimes the first medication does not work well or has side effects than your doctor can prescribe something else. IMHO, keep trying until you find something that works.
I could really use a just-makes-me-feel-better-about-everything pill.
Quote:
I would imagine that being married to someone who is autistic must be/have been extremely demanding and lonely.
I don't know how other people manage it. It seems most of them don't manage it very long. I just know I'm eternally weary of never being enough, never doing enough, never praising enough and being shamed for having needs of my own.
The thing to keep in mind, though -- and I know you know this better than most -- is he can't help being the way he is. I can't blame him for something that happened to him as a child. That would be irrational.
I do fault him for lying to me repeatedly. That's not an autistic trait, that's intentional deception in an effort to keep your life partner wandering in the dark.
I could really use a just-makes-me-feel-better-about-everything pill.
Well, it isn't even exactly that. It doesn't just make you feel happier or that nothing is wrong, just that your mind doesn't immediately jump all the way to overwhelming disaster as fast or as often. Keeps you from feeling as if you are rushing toward the edge of a cliff about everything...instead, helps you remind yourself you are a few yards away, realize the cliff exists, and that you still have the ability to choose your steps carefully. Lets the rational problem-solving side of yourself be heard.
Fluffy - I feel for you. My marriage was one of the biggest disappointments of my life because it seemed in the beginning we were soulmates. It wasn't until he died 9 years ago that I started to slowly feel better and less depressed.
You said something about your husband always finds you. Is he abusive and are you afraid of him? I hope that's not the case.
Fluffy I know you don't want to take an antidepressant, however you may want to try. Sometimes you are so far in a hole you can't mentally get out of it. It can be a viscous cycle. Getting on an antidepressant can help that.
If you are dead set on not taking one, a few suggestions that have worked for me:
--exercise--this saved me a few years ago. I started working out every day and wow did it make life better
--cut out processed food--believe it or not, this has a negative effect on you
--write down positive things about yourself every day
I did these three things a few years ago and it completely changed me.
However, like I said above, sometimes you can be too far gone to even make that initial step and medicine can help. There is nothing wrong with it.
Best of luck to you and congrats on leaving your husband!!
Last edited by veuvegirl; 08-30-2019 at 11:11 AM..
I could really use a just-makes-me-feel-better-about-everything pill.
I don't know how other people manage it. It seems most of them don't manage it very long. I just know I'm eternally weary of never being enough, never doing enough, never praising enough and being shamed for having needs of my own.
The thing to keep in mind, though -- and I know you know this better than most -- is he can't help being the way he is. I can't blame him for something that happened to him as a child. That would be irrational.
I do fault him for lying to me repeatedly. That's not an autistic trait, that's intentional deception in an effort to keep your life partner wandering in the dark.
"The thing to keep in mind, though -- and I know you know this better than most -- is he can't help being the way he is. I can't blame him for something that happened to him as a child. That would be irrational."
I've been thinking more about your post and was trying to find a good comparison. There are other things that a person can't help, for example their cognitive level.
I used to teach special education (various types and various levels). When I taught mildly cognitively delayed students in the 1970s & 1980s, at that time, in my state, students with IQs 70 to 85 were labeled as cognitively delayed (old term, mildly mentally retarded). A few of the students did marry after HS and held low level, unskilled jobs as adults.
As an example, a former HS classmate & neighbor (whose IQ probably was about 85) has been married for almost 50 years and held a job and supported his wife and children that whole time. Since he lives in my old neighborhood I occasionally hear news about how he is doing and, to my knowledge, he has had a happy marriage to a woman of similar intelligence and was a good father to his children.
Would it have been a happy marriage,for the both of them, if he had married a woman who went to college and graduate school to become a doctor or lawyer or some other skilled profession. I rather doubt that.
Now, just because someone "couldn't help" having a lower IQ did not mean that a well educated, bright person would want to date them and marry them. It doesn't mean that the bright, well educated person was wrong or mean, they were just incompatible as a couple.
Looking at your situation, just because your husband "couldn't help" having autism did not mean that you would want to date him and marry him (and stay married to him). It doesn't mean that you were wrong or mean, the two of you were just incompatible.
It was hard to figure out how to write this, but I hope that everyone takes this in the positive way that I intended.
Fluffy, find someone to treat what sounds like depression to me. Didn’t you just buy a fancy car? Haven’t you moved house at great expense? You aren’t happy in your marriage. To me it sounds as if you are really restless, and trying to make yourself feel better with change.
We all go through bad patches in long marriages. IMO, you are too distressed to make such a big decision about divorce in your present state. The suicidal thoughts are worrying to me. Find a therapist ASAP and try to get well. You need someone who can prescribe, I think.
Please do this and commit to treatment. When you are calmer, and thinking clearly, you will know what you need to do about your marriage.
You have the power to change only one person, and that is yourself. You cannot change your husband, or anyone else.
Please take care of yourself. Keep us posted about your progress.
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I think you and a few others may have despaired of that, rightfully so.
