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My friend (who lives abroad, this makes it a bit harder to judge, hence my question here) has been with a guy for 5 years now. The first two years they seemed ok, but since then she broke up with him (and got back together again) many times. According to her because “he just won’t let her go”. She would say repeatedly say that “for her it’s over, no matter how hard he tries”. That she calls him her ex, but he keeps calling her his girlfriend. Eventually they always slide back into the relationship, until the next ‘cycle’ or ‘episode’. She once even broke up and moved to a different city, alone, (after they had lived together for a while at her place in a smaller town). But even then they would still end up being together eventually, she saying he ‘convinced himself the city could be ok’ and stay with her a few days a week (his job is still in the smaller town).
The keep going in the on/off cycle for another six months until at some point her complaints became a bit more worrying. She would say he doesn’t show her any physical affection anymore, despite saying that he still loves her. That this makes her feel insecure, unattractive and rejected. That she already has low self esteem and that this makes her even change the way she holds herself around other people. And that she feels she’s to blame for it. That they basically live like brother and sister and for her it’s over, but again “he won’t let her go”. She says it’s hard to rebuild anything new and it will take her some time to feel differently. She breaks up again and he ignores it and keeps acting as if they’re still together. And so they keep going.
At some point she says she really broke up this time and actually started dating some other guys. I was happy for her that she finally managed to cut it off. But after a month she started talking about her ex again: that he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she's at work to 'check if there's still pictures of them hanging on the wall’ and he would leave notes for her. That he brought her flowers and gave her a ride to the airport which was “actually handy”. That his mother is very ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it. Because that she can't be rude to him after “all he did for her”. That she feels afraid to slip back into the relationship again, because like always he just keeps acting like they are still together. That he asked her if he could stay at her place for one month because of a new job close to her house, and that she feels like she can't refuse it because he still pays part of her rent. She also sent me a picture showing a big cut in her nose. Saying it was an “accident at the gym”. (?)
No surprise, a few weeks later she announces she’s back with him, saying she wants to give another chance to the person that has been there for her the past 5 years in all the good and bad times.
My question: Is this just two people who just can’t be without each other and are addicted to breaking up and making up? Or is this a slowly developing (emotionally) abusive relationship? Doe she really love this guy and is she making up his “manipulation” as an excuse to go back to him? Or doesn’t she even realise his behaviour looks pretty toxic from outside?
I know she has been in a physically abusive relationship before, has abandonment issues, low self esteem etc.
Where do you start drawing the line between: “if she really wanted to break up she would have done so ling time ago” or “if she really wanted this guy out of her life she could change her locks and call the police” and “she’s being emotionally abused and I as a friend have to take some kind of action?” And if so, what could I do from a distance?
What do you guys make of this? And what’s his and her role or motives and behaviours? Could they be abusing each other? Could she be abusing him? I find it so difficult to tell. Hope to find some answers from people who know about this stuff.
As mentioned she's probably co-dependent. Cuts will probably start showing up on more than the nose. This will escalate. All the break-ups and comebacks basically embolden the abuser because there are no effective consequences.
It's puzzling the number of women who tolerate screaming, lectures, tantrums etc let alone physical abuse. Some woman think they're fixers but if the relationship is a salvage operation early on it's not a relationship. To me it's simple once certain lines are crossed in any relationship it's over because people who cross them without hesitation are showing their true colors.
It takes two to tango, neither can let go of this toxic and abuse relationship. Codependency, yes.
Hi oh-eve, you're the second person to mention codependency. I've read some more about it and it's actually very interesting to see how this works and makes things pretty clear all of a sudden.
However, if she is codependent, wouldn't she be the one to be overly concerned with his needs and feelings, and if she fears separation, how come she is the one breaking up all the time, even moving to a different city by herself?
That's the part that puzzles me. It would feel more logical if he breaks up all the time and then hoovers her back in. But it's HER leaving him, and him not letting her go.
As mentioned she's probably co-dependent. Cuts will probably start showing up on more than the nose. This will escalate. All the break-ups and comebacks basically embolden the abuser because there are no effective consequences.
It's puzzling the number of women who tolerate screaming, lectures, tantrums etc let alone physical abuse. Some woman think they're fixers but if the relationship is a salvage operation early on it's not a relationship. To me it's simple once certain lines are crossed in any relationship it's over because people who cross them without hesitation are showing their true colors.
Hi anononcty, thanks for your reply.
You are the third person who mentions her being codependent. But would you care to explain to me a bit more how (from what I understand from co-dependancy) she then is the one always 'leaving' and breaking up? Wouldn't you expect the codependent to fear separation?
Also I sometimes read that the codependent is the one controlling or abusing, but other sources say it's the codependent who can't help but being controlled by for instant someone with narcissistic traits?
I find this very interesting how this dynamic works and it already makes me understand the situation a but better.
How do you figure he's abusive towards her, when she's the one making a choice to get sucked back into the relationship?
She's as much to blame for putting up with this as he is for manipulating her.
Hi MPowering1, thanks for your reply.
I have no proof of abuse. And yes, you could say that it's her choice to get sucked back into the relationship each time.
I just have a strange feeling about that she feels she needs to "justify" going back to him by telling about his manipulating behaviours. I never heard her say she went back because she's so crazy about him. At some point I start to wonder how 'voluntary' her comebacks actually are?
Like I said in my original post, of course you could argue that if she really wanted to break up why doesn't she change her locks and call the police when he shows up? But I'm not sure that because she doesn't do that, it's automatically her own fault she stays in this?
Is getting sucked back in always a choice, per definition?
It could be.
Thanks for your point of view, I will think about this too.
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