Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I intentionally avoid making, saving and investing more money than I could because I'm afraid that I could lose it all if my marriage doesn't last forever. My wife kissed another guy over 10 years ago, told me about it the next day and broke down crying. We now have 2 kids and live like a happy family going through the motions but there's no romance or excitement. Neither of us are happy with the current situation but we are both hopeful that things might get better for each of us individually over time maybe when the kids are older, currently 4 and 7. What I don't understand is why would I avoid making and reaching financial goals (I self sabotage opportunities)? Is it because I've heard of wives leaving their husbands and taking everything, the house, the kids etc and maybe if we're not in a great financial position she'll be less likely to leave me? Or maybe I want to minimise my losses if she was ever to leave me? Or maybe I felt rejected and just need to 'get over it', and ask her honestly if she's committed to me and move on?
I intentionally avoid making, saving and investing more money than I could because I'm afraid that I could lose it all if my marriage doesn't last forever. My wife kissed another guy over 10 years ago, told me about it the next day and broke down crying. We now have 2 kids and live like a happy family going through the motions but there's no romance or excitement. Neither of us are happy with the current situation but we are both hopeful that things might get better for each of us individually over time maybe when the kids are older, currently 4 and 7. What I don't understand is why would I avoid making and reaching financial goals (I self sabotage opportunities)? Is it because I've heard of wives leaving their husbands and taking everything, the house, the kids etc and maybe if we're not in a great financial position she'll be less likely to leave me? Or maybe I want to minimise my losses if she was ever to leave me? Or maybe I felt rejected and just need to 'get over it', and ask her honestly if she's committed to me and move on?
It could be a defense mechanism, sure, but you need to understand that you both have to actively work to improve your relationship.
It won't change just by your hoping and going through the motions.
Put the money issue on the back burner, and seek some marriage counseling so y'all can get over the past hurts and rebuild that bond in order to go confidently into the future together.
The money issue will get resolved as you two learn to trust each other more.
I intentionally avoid making, saving and investing more money than I could because I'm afraid that I could lose it all if my marriage doesn't last forever. My wife kissed another guy over 10 years ago, told me about it the next day and broke down crying. We now have 2 kids and live like a happy family going through the motions but there's no romance or excitement. Neither of us are happy with the current situation but we are both hopeful that things might get better for each of us individually over time maybe when the kids are older, currently 4 and 7. What I don't understand is why would I avoid making and reaching financial goals (I self sabotage opportunities)? Is it because I've heard of wives leaving their husbands and taking everything, the house, the kids etc and maybe if we're not in a great financial position she'll be less likely to leave me? Or maybe I want to minimise my losses if she was ever to leave me? Or maybe I felt rejected and just need to 'get over it', and ask her honestly if she's committed to me and move on?
The question I would ask myself is why do I have this fear.
I can say it has nothing to do with the past event described.
You will find it very difficult to answer that simple question, most people can't without help, not necessarily a psychologist but at least another person who understands the problem and can guide you.
People languish with indecision, procrastinate and fail to move forward in life, fear of failure or fear of success, the common denominator is the underlying fear.
Procrastination is a form of defiance, still it comes back to the underlying question.
Why do I have this fear?
You hit rocky roads in a relationship but if it was just a kiss that she owned up to then that shows her commitment to your relationship. I always say to myself when someone is hitting on me, "temptation is around every corner" that is what your wife may have needed to really see how much she loves you by the cloud of guilt.
You have two kids now and still together, at this stage yea you do go through the motions because of all the work to raise a family. Little kids are a blast though so enjoy.
Make time to connect with her. Do you have a weekly date night? Find one thing you both enjoy together and do it everyday.
If that's the way you feel, then why are you working at all? If you have nothing, she can't get anything; just quit working, sit home drinking beer and watching TV until she kicks your lazy butt out. Problem solved.
Why is there no romance or excitement? Why are both of you just going through the motions? Do you need a vacation or holiday to recharge? If something doesn't change it's likely one of you will look elsewhere and your marriage may be doomed. If you are looking at exit strategies it may be doomed already. When children grow up you will have even less in common if you haven't built a strong emotional and sexual bond which can keep the two of you together when it's just the two of you. Sex, love and affection is the glue that holds a marriage together. If you have those, everything else is secondary and can be figured out.
Last edited by bobspez; 04-22-2020 at 12:39 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
