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Oh yes, definitely. He was seriously ill as a child. From talking to others I find this is not uncommon with ASD boys. The doctors told his parents he wasn't going to make it. Then once he was in public school, he was still trying to relearn the basics that he had lost due to a sort-of brain fever. He had to be taught to walk all over again and to swing his arms when he walked. You know how awful kids can be if they sense weakness. He was beaten up and bullied.
Yes, I'm sure it's how he is comforted. The problem is that his things leave no room for me. Years ago I was pushed out of the bed I shared with him because he wanted his things in the bed instead of me and I had the temerity to object to that. The next night he built a wall around the bed out of cardboard boxes just to make sure I got the point. I had to move into the guest room, which is right over the garage and poorly insulated, thus very hot in summer. Then he would storm into the stuffy guest room late at night and yell at me for "abandoning" him.
I was scared. I thought he was going to hurt me, so I hooked a chair under the doorknob so at least I might have some warning if he came in while I was asleep. And I put a knife under the mattress where I could reach it. Never needed it, but I felt better with it there. He calmed down eventually but there was no apology or acknowledgement of his bizarre behavior. I told him I would never share a bed with him again and except for a couple of occasions while traveling, I never have. He made it clear what his priorities were: his stuff, first, last and always. He literally "made his bed", now he can lie in it.
You sound so much like my late sister and her husband that it makes me weep.
I don't see anything remarkable here. This couple is used to living this way. Their dysfunction is their normal. I do agree on the PO box. Otherwise I don't see a lot going on here that needs instant attention unless the husband can be encouraged enough to believe that counseling will be helpful, and he seems adverse, but I would keep on trying anyway fluffy. BTW, love your name here, very cute.
I was in a dysfunctional marriage for decades and what I can say is that there is elevated stress and it wears on you. But if she wanted out, she would get out. The thing about living in dysfunction is that you truly forget what normal feels like, it's been too long and this dysfunction is your normal. Life changes such as divorce could lead to a remarkably different life, but there's risk involved there too isn't there? I think that's why fluffy has not finished off this marriage. Sometimes the devil you know could be better than the devil you don't. Really it comes down to your support system fluffy. You need either very trustworthy relatives or friends, or both. Until you have that, you won't make a move into unknown territory.
Btw, I would definitely go through that bench of mail to see what else is there. It might take a couple hours, but if you do it when he's down for a nap or otherwise engaged, you could plow through a lot of that very quickly with an eye only for anything that could be alarming or neglected.
The question to ask yourself is: what is my quality of life? and what risks am I willing to take to improve that? Then take baby steps to improve your life, that life separate from your husband, meaning your relatives, your friends, your hobbies, your interests. Just improve your own life with baby steps and see where that takes you. No changes need to be drastic or scary.
The dysfunction seems to go back a long time. Use and abuse on both sides. Outbursts on CD. Then business as usual.
As business you get notified about discrepancies it is not harassment and sleeplessness but something you have to deal with. Burden of proof falls on the debtor.
Fluffy, read what you wrote about sleeping with a knife under your pillow at one point because you were afraid of your husband and ask yourself if that’s normal behavior. You desperately need therapy.
Terry, I have a therapist. Have had for the last four years. She hasn't helped.
But OF COURSE it's not normal behavior. It's what people do when the person they live with starts acting unhinged. If I'd had a gun I would have put that under the mattress.
I've read too many news stories about a woman whose husband or boyfriend is prone to violence and she tells her friends, "Don't be silly, he'd never hurt ME!"
Terry, I have a therapist. Have had for the last four years. She hasn't helped.
But OF COURSE it's not normal behavior. It's what people do when the person they live with starts acting unhinged. If I'd had a gun I would have put that under the mattress.
I've read too many news stories about a woman whose husband or boyfriend is prone to violence and she tells her friends, "Don't be silly, he'd never hurt ME!"
Abuse doesn't have to include physical at all. In fact psychologists believe that emotional/psychological/financial abuse is worse because they are insiduous, and the victim often won't think--"I KNOW that was wrong." Overt abuse is far more obvious and the victim realizes it compared to covert abuse. I know, I was there.
I'd change therapist. Look for one who covers abuse. Btw, it is very common that dysfunctional choices are made on both sides of the relationship, even being abusive back as retaliation. Doesn't mean that one of them (assuming him) is the main perpetrator and led them down this rabbit hole.
I asked if I could get the mail -- instead of him -- so I could look through it first.
you stated that you asked. but no matter, you have choices to make and I have no doubt they will be difficult. whatever you decide, I wish you luck. when I was a lot younger I believed life would get easier. well, it hasn't. there some days I can't wait for it to end. i hope you are able to find peace.
My second husband was emotionally abusive. I left once the kids grew up. You need a new therapist. My guess at this point is that one of 2 things is happening or both. You don’t want a reduction in lifestyle that divorce would bring and/or you don’t have friends/family as a support system. You can join meetup groups to make friends. There’s really no point in complaining if you don’t intend to take action.
I'm wondering why it is assumed by some to be dementia and cognitive decline related to age, rather than in the world of mental illness i.e. mental disturbance, Borderline Personality Disorder, toxic behavior, and/or behavioral mental illness.
anything is possible, but he's into his 70s and mental illness typically develops at childhood or adolescence.
I don't think he wishes me ill. He is very loving most of the time now. I think he is confused. I believe he's always suffered from anxiety and hoarding is the way he comforts himself. He literally cannot throw anything out. I tell him to make a pile and I will take those objects to the trash.
How has that worked for you?
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