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I just turned 24. Throughout my entire life I never had friends. I'm not kidding.
I never experienced being invited to someone's house, a birthday party, the mall, movies, etc.
I never hung out with anyone outside of school.
I've met various people in school and at work, but our relationship never goes beyond its context.
When school or work is over, the relationship is over.
School and work brings us together because it's a place you have to go to out of obligation, but I never did anything voluntary with anyone.
I’ve never maintained contact with anyone I’ve met in my life. It’s been 6 years since I graduated high school. I don’t keep in touch with anyone. It’s been 3 years since I’ve been out of university. I don’t keep in touch with anyone from there.
I live with my parents. I work in a cafe. When I get off work, I go straight home, go to my room, and just go on my laptop. This is what I do in my free-time.
I’m starting to get lonely.
Growing up I dealt with a condition known as Social Anxiety. I had a pretty severe case of it. I would get debilitating anxiety around other people, in public places, in performance situations, etc. I was very self-conscious and was always worried about what people are thinking about me, how I come across, people thinking I’m weird or awkward, embarrassing myself, etc.
Because of this condition, I didn’t go out much and I had a hard time opening up and bonding with other people.
I hardly left the house. I spent the majority of my time in my room either watching TV, playing video games, or going on my iPod.
In school I was quiet and kept to myself. I would get asked all of the time by people “Why are you so quiet?”
My Dad would get on me growing up on not making friends and spending too much time in my room. He would tell me, “You need to break out of this habit. I don’t want you ending up alone. I don’t want you to be a hermit. Who do you hang out with in school? Why are you always by yourself?” I would get mad and irritated.
However, now I am starting to see what my Dad was talking about.
I even feel like my siblings are starting to kind of exclude me out. I’m the youngest of 4. I’m the last one still living at home.
They all text each other and what not. They meet up. I don’t really participate.
I just feel like it’s too late to turn this around. It’s hard to make friends at this age. Especially starting from scratch. I’m just starting to get discouraged. I’ve had opportunities to develop some good friendships, but I wasted those opportunities.
I’ve missed out on a lot of things and a lot of experiences.
I worry I’m going to spend the rest of my life being friendless and reclusive.
Don't worry!
One of my cousins was like you. Suffering from social phobia, so much he was shaking when he was among people, had trouble with girls and keeping jobs. He is now well in his forties, is in a steady job he likes, has been living with someone for over a decade, has a son and is a doting father.
I am in my sixties now and have always been a loner. Never made the first step, never kept any friend for long for lack of trying. It took me years to accept the fact that this was the way I was, there was no point in trying to be someone else. My husband of over 40 years is a bit like me, we get on well on the whole and respect each other.
There are plenty of people out there just like you, and it's perfectly ok. You are definitely not weird.
My advice would be first of all determine if you are a loner or lonely. If you are a loner, accept yourself as you are, it's the key. If you get really lonely now and then, that's ok too, lots of people are. You work in a cafe, have you tried talking to clients, or even your workmates? And take it from there. Do you have a passion, an interest in something? It's a good way to meet people and you don't have to talk about yourself. Get out of your routine, be bold and try travelling to another country, Europe, Australia with one of those one-year work visas.. Youth hostels are a great way to meet people your age, people who might be just as lost as you are in a foreign country (I met my husband like that, I know what I am talking about here).
Anyway, good luck to you. If you get really, really lonely, you'll find your way out of your room one day, I am sure. It's called the survival instinct, and you have it, you wrote in, didn't you?
How can you be lonely if you do not know it any other way? How can you miss having someone if you never had anyone?
I've had more of a social life than the OP, but less than most people, and less than I'd have liked. In a sense you're right that you can't rally miss what you've never had, and that applies if you think of loneliness as missing people, like a good friend or a group of friends. But for people who rarely or never formed bonds the desire to do so is often still there but issues like social anxiety frustrate that desire. That unmet desire is the source of their loneliness then. It's the source of mine.
Maybe see a neurologist? Did wonders for someone I know in a similar situation. Medication can be life changing.
A agree with this. If you want to change... get help. Make sure they screen for for autism also. You may need some social coaching and yes, medication. But definitely cognitive behavioral therapy.
I find this extreme isolation rather fascinating. I mean...to have never had a friend? A relationship? It reminds me of the hikkikomori in Japan. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori
Some experts postulate that extreme social isolation may be the manifestation of Cluster A personality disorders.
OP, if you think this is something you can pull yourself out of by sheer force of will, you will be disappointed.
Beyond mere social anxiety, two personality disorders that result in "no friends" are Avoidant and Schizoid. See if either of those sound like you by Googling. It sounds like you desire close relationships, so the latter probably doesn't apply to you. Maybe you're just a loner/solitary/hermit, whatever, and will have to accept your fate and adjust.
How can you be lonely if you do not know it any other way? How can you miss having someone if you never had anyone?
People, at times, need interaction to feel whole and alive. Loneliness is part of the human condition, and can be felt in all situations in life......married, single, alone, living with others.
Longing is also part of the human condition.....people often feel a sense of longing....and sometimes for connection with another person or multiple people.
People also feel a need for someone to understand them on a closer and deeper level, and sometimes in an intimate sense.
I would not automatically apply any negative psychological syndromes nor personality disorders to the OP.
Also, the OP is not completely isolated, as she/he is living with her/his parents.
Last edited by matisse12; 10-25-2021 at 03:54 PM..
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