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I can't imagine this is something I'd seek out or be comfortable with if I found it. I prefer to keep people at a distance rather than let anyone get too close.
Understood. I've regretting becoming "vulnerable" to others, who walked all over it. Yours is probably the "safer" route.
I have many acquaintances I feel fine about, but progressing to a more intimate level is not something I aspire to, anymore.
Does anyone feel THAT secure that a little external validation wouldn't at least be nice-to-have?
I mean, excessive neediness IS a buzz-kill, but ... I'm skeptical that anyone is so truly an island that they literally don't need understanding, appreciation, encouragement or affirmation, ever. Unless there is a circuitry cabinet or two unplugged somewhere, we are hyper social creatures.
Ironically, it may be a failure of imagination that's at the root. We have never experienced it, can't imagine it, and think our lives wouldn't be significantly enhanced to have it. We may not know what we're missing.
Meh that's up to the person who is in that scenario to determine. We don't all need to have our needs met in the same way. I also don't think the science is complete so a lot of us are running around with this narrative that everyone has to be a certain kind of way. Human beings are incredibly nuanced and I think we have barely scratched the surface of how varied we really are. I'm a pretty secure person, my life has been relatively stable, but I don't really feel the need to seek out validation from others. That all stopped once I reached adulthood. I don't really have any deep dark secrets or aspirations I want to share with anyone else. At least I haven't met anyone who makes me want to include them in my life on that deep of a level. Sure I enjoy conversation but I would be lying if I say that I've met a bunch of people who have enriched my life experience. It's not a result of trauma, mental disorder, etc. That's just how I'm wired. I think some people over estimate the value they have in other people's lives.
I have had the same two best friends since middle school and I'm starting to feel like I'm beginning to out grow them on a mental level. I will also point out that just because something would be nice to have does not mean we are entitled to it or guaranteed to have it. There are people who search for it their entire lives and never find it. So there are people who effectively "miss out" on having it despite wanting it so badly. If you never had it what you're seeking is a fantasy. That's why I don't believe in chasing after the idea of something that was never guaranteed to us in the first place. I much rather spend my time enriching my life in other ways. People are too unreliable and unpredictable. It's easy to assume people who are so comfortable with themselves don't exist because they don't feel the need to come out and prove themselves. They're too busy living their best lives.
Meh that's not really up to you or anyone else to determine but the person who is in that particular scenario. The truth is we don't all need to have our needs met in the same way. I also don't think the science is complete so a lot of us are running around with this narrative that everyone has to be a certain kind of way. Human beings are incredibly nuanced and I think we have barely scratched the surface of how varied we really are. I'm a pretty secure person, my life has been relatively stable, but I don't really feel the need to seek out validation from others. That all stopped once I reached adulthood. I don't really have any deep dark secrets or aspirations I want to share with anyone else. At least I haven't met anyone who makes want to include them in my life on that deep of a level. Sure I enjoy conversation but I would be lying if I say that I've met a bunch of people who have enriched my life experience. It's not a result of trauma, mental disorder, etc. That's just how I'm wired. I think some people over estimate the value they have in other people's lives.
I have had the same two best friends since middle school and I'm starting to feel like I'm beginning to out grow them on a mental level. I will also point out that just because something would be nice to have does not mean we are entitled to it or guaranteed to have it. There are people who search for it their entire lives and never find it. So there are people who effectively "miss out" on having it despite wanting it so badly. If you never had it what you're seeking is a fantasy. That's why I don't believe in chasing after the idea of something that was never guaranteed to us in the first place. I much rather spend my time enriching my life in other ways. People are too unreliable and unpredictable. It's easy to assume people who are so comfortable with themselves don't exist because they don't feel the need to come out and prove themselves. They're too busy living their best lives.
I actually repped you for that because you aren't wrong.
There's nothing wrong with either needing or not needing validation. And I didn't mean to imply that there's something automatically wrong with people who don't need it, or something right with those who (admit they) do.
In some ways I don't care anymore myself. And to whatever extent I feel like I could have used it in the past, I suspect it was just some sort of ephemera anyway, as you suggest might be the case.
People are crappy to each other by default, for the most part, anyway, in my experience. It is better not to expect very much from most of them. You certainly can't put your life on hold waiting for whatever it is you want from them. They are too unreliable, too incoherent, too inconsistent. You can't be beholden to their whims.
I actually repped you for that because you aren't wrong.
There's nothing wrong with either needing or not needing validation. And I didn't mean to imply that there's something automatically wrong with people who don't need it, or something right with those who (admit they) do.
In some ways I don't care anymore myself. And to whatever extent I feel like I could have used it in the past, I suspect it was just some sort of ephemera anyway, as you suggest might be the case.
People are crappy to each other by default, for the most part, anyway, in my experience. It is better not to expect very much from most of them. You certainly can't put your life on hold waiting for whatever it is you want from them. They are too unreliable, too incoherent, too inconsistent. You can't be beholden to their whims.
Right.
I do believe a lot of people thrive in healthy situations where a healthy emotional bond can be formed. But you need a certain level of language and ability to communicate, that a lot of people are not taught. I just think society and even the scientific community focuses too much on this one large demographic of people. To the point where those who deviate from it are overlooked, dismissed, and sometimes even stigmatized. Hopefully, it will get more attention in the future.
Meh that's up to the person who is in that scenario to determine. We don't all need to have our needs met in the same way. I also don't think the science is complete so a lot of us are running around with this narrative that everyone has to be a certain kind of way. Human beings are incredibly nuanced and I think we have barely scratched the surface of how varied we really are. I'm a pretty secure person, my life has been relatively stable, but I don't really feel the need to seek out validation from others. That all stopped once I reached adulthood. I don't really have any deep dark secrets or aspirations I want to share with anyone else. At least I haven't met anyone who makes want to include them in my life on that deep of a level. Sure I enjoy conversation but I would be lying if I say that I've met a bunch of people who have enriched my life experience. It's not a result of trauma, mental disorder, etc. That's just how I'm wired. I think some people over estimate the value they have in other people's lives.
I have had the same two best friends since middle school and I'm starting to feel like I'm beginning to out grow them on a mental level. I will also point out that just because something would be nice to have does not mean we are entitled to it or guaranteed to have it. There are people who search for it their entire lives and never find it. So there are people who effectively "miss out" on having it despite wanting it so badly. If you never had it what you're seeking is a fantasy. That's why I don't believe in chasing after the idea of something that was never guaranteed to us in the first place. I much rather spend my time enriching my life in other ways. People are too unreliable and unpredictable. It's easy to assume people who are so comfortable with themselves don't exist because they don't feel the need to come out and prove themselves. They're too busy living their best lives.
I love the way you think and live your life. Totally agree with you.
I do believe a lot of people thrive in healthy situations where a healthy emotional bond can be formed. But you need a certain level language and an ability to communicate, that a lot of people are not taught. I just think society and even the scientific community focuses too much on this one large demographic of people. To the point where those who deviate from it are overlooked, dismissed, and sometimes even stigmatized. Hopefully, it will get more attention in the future.
Indeed.
My stepson on the autism spectrum might be described as someone with deviant needs or ways or expressing them. He cannot be arsed to get his mother a Christmas card but he cooks us beautiful Thanksgiving and Christmas feasts every year because that's how HE is comfortable expressing love and caring. He is in therapy to equip himself with certain surface habits for other's benefit, like saying "good morning" instead of merely grunting, and yet he can get all kootchie-koo with his little dog and sometimes speaks to us through her in an assumed voice. If he needs those levels of indirection, who am I to insist that he mustn't use them? Even "normal" people do stuff like that to feel safe in expressing themselves at times. The basic social "skills" training are just to smooth his way through life, and if the "rest" of us were honest about it, we also regard a lot of that as tiresome cruft and overhead that we go through just for admission to the 'club' or to meet other's random expectations and keep their own discomfort from getting in the way of things.
From the autistic community we get the concept of "neurotypical" vs "neurodivergent" and that is one example of how science focuses on the majority at the expense of the minority.
This of course doesn't change that humans are, on balance accurately described as hyper-social creatures, and despite that a few of us might not find it that problematic, we shouldn't, for example, stop considering solitary confinement as a 'cruel and unusual' punishment.
I actually repped you for that because you aren't wrong.
There's nothing wrong with either needing or not needing validation. And I didn't mean to imply that there's something automatically wrong with people who don't need it, or something right with those who (admit they) do.
In some ways I don't care anymore myself. And to whatever extent I feel like I could have used it in the past, I suspect it was just some sort of ephemera anyway, as you suggest might be the case.
People are crappy to each other by default, for the most part, anyway, in my experience. It is better not to expect very much from most of them. You certainly can't put your life on hold waiting for whatever it is you want from them. They are too unreliable, too incoherent, too inconsistent. You can't be beholden to their whims.
I dont believe people are crappy by default. That is a hard outlook to live with. I think people have both goodness and selfishness within them and that is simply the way it is. I think each one has to find the goodness and fullness within them first and that is for keeps. Looking for love and validation in all the other places will only make it harder to find.
The more people want to explain themselves, tell who and what they are, they only reveal what others already know from their actions and words. Instead if they put more effort in understanding, things will be smoother for everyone.
I dont believe people are crappy by default. That is a hard outlook to live with. I think people have both goodness and selfishness within them and that is simply the way it is. I think each one has to find the goodness and fullness within them first and that is for keeps. Looking for love and validation in all the other places will only make it harder to find.
The more people want to explain themselves, tell who and what they are, they only reveal what others already know from their actions and words. Instead if they put more effort in understanding, things will be smoother for everyone.
I'm simply observing from my personal experience that you can't accurately predict when, and how consistently, people will be their best selves, so therefore, you can't really count on most of them most of the time. This doesn't preclude you having a couple of peeps that you can generally count on. Nor does it preclude you from being empathetic and compassionate toward people rather than, say, bitter or resentful. Nor does it mean you have to be snide or dismissive -- it is simply a limitation on how close you can (or should) usefully get to them.
In my experience with women, for example, it has been more like the Billy Joel lyrics "she's frequently kind and suddenly cruel ... she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden, then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin' ..." than, IDK, the lyrics to "endless love" or something. Does that reflect badly on women? No, just the one's I've been attracted to, which is a combination of intelligence and growing up neglected or feral and abandoned in some form or other. I don't know exactly how I find 'em! It complicates things, so I have to own my role in the experiences I've had in that regard. Early on, I had something of a Jesus complex going there, which was part of it, for example. People can only save themselves, I can't really do it for them. I can listen and support, and they may or may not appreciate the effort. That's about it.
I have giant gobbets of understanding and forbearance but it doesn't mean I find all relationships joyous or stable as I might have wished. Fortunately as an introvert with a pretty well-grounded psyche, I was probably well-suited to either solitude or to relationships that are less intimate, so maybe I have a useful role in society, lol.
Just wondering if people have emotional intimacy with others, and to what degree.
What emotion is the focus?
If it is happiness, I want others to be happy and I connect with those who want me to be happy.
If it is hurt, there is no pretending on my part to know the depth of their pain and it is a good idea to not be in that same place. But they are explicitly told that their pain is recognized and it causes me to suffer in my own way. When it comes to my own problems, a conflict may be shared with others, but it is not allowed to become the focus for too long. This is a different approach than years ago where I didn't feel I was worth paying attention to and so I stayed quiet.
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