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Yes, I was a handful. But when I straightened out and became a "citizen" with a good job and a family, I was welcomed back into the fold. I never blamed them because their actions motivated me to a better life. My father died in 1980 and I still feel close to him, feel like he is my guardian angel to the present day. My Mom died in 2012. She was mostly a loner and couldn't get really close to anyone. None of her marriages or relationships lasted. She moved around a lot. By the time I graduated high school I had attended 9 different schools. She had PTSD from her experiences in WWII. Her older sisters went through the same but weren't affected the same way. I was closer to them than I was with my Mom. We kept in communication but it was always strained. We asked her to come live close to us but she refused. I wish I would have been more tolerant and we could have been closer.
I was a feral kid who straightened out, too, but it was a long road. I think that the distance presently between my family and myself is of my own doing and maintained somewhat deliberately. Except insofar as I will never be a "Live, Laugh, Love" suburban conservative churchgoing kind of woman and so my Dad's side will always have some discomfort with me. Like, that, the world of Cracker Barrel (though I actually love those restaurants lol)...that's their "culture." I represent urban liberal intellectualism and they kind of hate it. I have gay friends, they want to try and politely pretend that gay people don't exist if they can. We are just people in kind of different worlds.
We are not totally estranged, though. I do call them sometimes, and I was hoping to see them over a vacation but it's not going to work out for me to go this year... But like, I was not willing to share the beach house with them, I was going to rent a place not far away. I can be around them, but I need somewhere else to go if things get unpleasant. But, too...I don't fully respect them. My Dad was a violent alcoholic when I was a kid and he still thinks it's OK to drink and drive. And he's fallen for BS in ways that frustrate me, like he's smart enough to be an engineer but has lost thousands to MLMs.
And then there is my Mom. I feel much more emotional warmth for my Mom, but I know that she is a walking, talking disaster and I cannot let her be too close. Like we talk on the phone a lot, but I have repeatedly talked her out of moving to live anywhere near me when she thought she might, I would never live anywhere near her, and I have to carefully avoid giving her the impression that I have any money because she will start wheedling and asking for it if she thinks I've got anything.
But I think it's an important distinction though... You can indeed still love people, while knowing you need to put boundaries in place and get some practical distance from them, for your own wellbeing and/or theirs.
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But I think it's an important distinction though... You can indeed still love people, while knowing you need to put boundaries in place and get some practical distance from them, for your own wellbeing and/or theirs.
I agree. With some people you need to keep them at arms length in order to maintain a relationship. But when you are the one being kept at arms length, it's a bit of a weird feeling and you probably have no idea why. I always said "Well I guess we are not on their A list" and shrugged it off.
What other evidence would 100% convince you? Absent being neglected or mistreated, how can you tell if someone who said they loved you was actually lying? And why would you assume so? I have more faith in the sincerity of my friends and family I guess.
To me, the love languages are more for the giver/expresser of love, not the receiver.
I agree. With some people you need to keep them at arms length in order to maintain a relationship. But when you are the one being kept at arms length, it's a bit of a weird feeling and you probably have no idea why. I always said "Well I guess we are not on their A list" and shrugged it off.
And here's where you misunderstand what I wrote about my situation - the people in question profess to "love" me. That's the cognitive dissonance from which this thread was created.
And if "you" (anyone) is in a relationship where they want to distance themselves for whatever reason - don't be passive-aggressive - state your reasons like an adult, and move on - drama or mystery is not necessary and is hurtful to the party that does not understand what the "problem" is (and often, it's with the distancer who has something going on in their personality or life that they can't deal with - understandable - but say it).
The Love Languages were developed for the benefit/insight of both parties.
Why would anyone object to the actual premises? (Gonna guess they have no clue of the actual concept or use).
If Love Languages (never heard of it before) mean actions of caring and words of endearment, i feel you first give what you want to receive. As Silibran said as well you have to love to know, and feel, love. You may not get all you want, but that is the first step. I also think some people cannot feel all the love they get, they can only feel so much and no more. You cannot pour more love into them than what they can hold.
If Love Languages (never heard of it before) mean actions of caring and words of endearment, i feel you first give what you want to receive. As Silibran said as well you have to love to know, and feel, love. You may not get all you want, but that is the first step. I also think some people cannot feel all the love they get, they can only feel so much and no more. You cannot pour more love into them than what they can hold.
Apparently it's a reference to a self-help book that was trendy a few years ago categorizing different ways that people show their love, the purpose being to help couples understand that how one person expresses their love might be different from their own. I never read it. I just know it exists.
And here's where you misunderstand what I wrote about my situation - the people in question profess to "love" me. That's the cognitive dissonance from which this thread was created.
And if "you" (anyone) is in a relationship where they want to distance themselves for whatever reason - don't be passive-aggressive - state your reasons like an adult, and move on - drama or mystery is not necessary and is hurtful to the party that does not understand what the "problem" is (and often, it's with the distancer who has something going on in their personality or life that they can't deal with - understandable - but say it).
But when you say it the relationship is over. That's often not what is wanted. What is often wanted is the opportunity to connect when they have nothing better to do. Have a relationship but not invest much time or effort into it. Have a relationship but not get imposed upon monetarily or for a place to stay on vacation. Love means different things to different people. Celebrities claim to love all their fans. I once had a girlfriend who signed a letter breaking up with me "Love Always".
And here's where you misunderstand what I wrote about my situation - the people in question profess to "love" me. That's the cognitive dissonance from which this thread was created.
The only cognitive dissonance I see is that you believe they are lying.
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