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Apparently it's a reference to a self-help book that was trendy a few years ago categorizing different ways that people show their love, the purpose being to help couples understand that how one person expresses their love might be different from their own. I never read it. I just know it exists.
I didn't read it either---sick of self-help books, lol---but I know the concept and actually it's a helpful one.
DH has a very different way of expressing "love". I have never gotten a single card, flowers or holiday/birthday "gift" from him. And I was raised that those gestures are an imperative to show "love".
Way back, I finally asked him about it and he said he thought the "bigger things" were more important. After all, he built me a 1/2 acre galvanized steel corral with his own back-breaking labor (took over a month), gave me a barn, an SUV, a saddle and other random smaller things that in his mind, constituted "love" and overrode any cards, flowers, that represented particular "occasions".
Yes, it would be nice to have "both"---the little and the big, but in this case, I can forego the small gestures most people are used to. After all, he does do the dishes, half the cooking, shopping and laundry as well! That's HIS 'Love Language".
Back when my husband had been married a few years (maybe 5 years?) he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I mentioned a few things that I would like.
After I mentioned a few things, he says "You know, I used to think giving you electronics were cool presents to give, but then I came to realize electronics make ME happy...not necessarily YOU, so now I ask." LOL
I am a typical girly-girl, who likes jewelry, artsy/craftsy and gardening stuff. Getting a gift in THOSE catagories makes me feel like I'm heard and understood.
Yes, it would be nice to have "both"---the little and the big, but in this case, I can forego the small gestures most people are used to. After all, he does do the dishes, half the cooking, shopping and laundry as well! That's HIS 'Love Language".
Absolutely!
I got the flowers, the cards, the gifts but over the years neither of us do those gestures anymore. But I do love it that he knows how happy it makes me to come down in the morning and see the sparkling kitchen that he had cleaned for me after I went to bed. I make his favorite meal on his birthday and he remembers it. It is all fine.
I never read the book either, it was my vague understanding that there were some religious overtones that would not have been of interest to me. I first heard of it when I got involved with the poly couple I dated a while and when I was going to lots of discussion groups... The poly folks just LOVE this sort of thing. Communication tools, emotional management advice, self help stuff, the lot. I see it as a good framework to understand that the behavior that means "love" to one person isn't always the behavior that comes across as "love" to another. Like speaking a different language, in a sense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez
But when you say it the relationship is over. That's often not what is wanted. What is often wanted is the opportunity to connect when they have nothing better to do. Have a relationship but not invest much time or effort into it. Have a relationship but not get imposed upon monetarily or for a place to stay on vacation. Love means different things to different people. Celebrities claim to love all their fans. I once had a girlfriend who signed a letter breaking up with me "Love Always".
And that has to be part of this whole thing...when someone says "love" what does that mean, to them? What would it look like, if you had someone showing love in a way that made you FEEL loved? And significantly...did you ever possibly have that, and perhaps push it away or sabotage it? That's a real "ouch I'm being attacked" thing right there lol. Too much honesty, it hurts!
I would catch myself in a self-pitying and self-deprecating, "you always get this, you never get that, you don't deserve love, boo hoo" mood...and I would have to stop and realize what happened the last time someone offered me what I am mentally claiming I wish I "deserved." And it was uncomfortable. And I pushed it away. As many people do, when they were not trained to receive it growing up.
As much as I can talk about how terrible my ex was and how I would not be with him again in a million years, I do still "love him." I could have signed a breakup letter "Love Always" and it would not have been a lie. But it does not mean the same thing as the love I have for my kids or my cat or my present day husband. What it does mean, is that I remember believing in the potential of that relationship, I remember the good moments, I recognize the effort that he did make at times for our marriage and family, the fact that I spent what was then half my entire life, finished growing up with him, that he taught me so much and that I know he gave me all he could. That I don't hate him. I could never hate him even though he did some pretty unforgivable things. There is a kind of love that is forever even when you can't live with someone any more. He fathered our kids, we will always be connected. And I truly and genuinely wish him well. I wish I could have helped him, saved him, but there's no saving someone from themselves and I had to get real about that. And if I ever heard he was alone in a hospital, or needed someone to be supportive or there for him, if he were willing to accept it from me, I'd always show up.
But a big part of that isn't even about him. It is about the person that I am. Integrity, I guess, of a sort. I am not the kind to utterly turn on somebody and HATE them, just because I didn't get my way in how a relationship worked out. Or... Or maybe it's because I spent years maintaining our marriage as a matter of familial bonds and obligation, rather than personal passion. And I wanted out for a long time, I just didn't feel justified until it was unquestionably the "right thing to do."
I didn't read it either---sick of self-help books, lol---but I know the concept and actually it's a helpful one.
DH has a very different way of expressing "love". I have never gotten a single card, flowers or holiday/birthday "gift" from him. And I was raised that those gestures are an imperative to show "love".
Way back, I finally asked him about it and he said he thought the "bigger things" were more important. After all, he built me a 1/2 acre galvanized steel corral with his own back-breaking labor (took over a month), gave me a barn, an SUV, a saddle and other random smaller things that in his mind, constituted "love" and overrode any cards, flowers, that represented particular "occasions".
Yes, it would be nice to have "both"---the little and the big, but in this case, I can forego the small gestures most people are used to. After all, he does do the dishes, half the cooking, shopping and laundry as well! That's HIS 'Love Language".
Hmm.
So...I don't quite know how to ask this, but this corral and barn and saddle...do you have a horse?
The more this gets discussed the harder it is for me to understand what love is for anyone but myself. It's definitely different for different people. And there's many types of love: romantic love, the love of a relative, the love or friendship for a good friend, the love of a pet or of a job or a hobby or a possession or an idea.
As far as feeling love, for me it has to be in person and tangible for me to feel it. I can appreciate an expression of love in a card or letter or phone call, but that's just a nice brief moment of feeling good for the person who said or wrote it and for me receiving it. It's not on the level of a person giving me a kiss or a hug or being rally happy to see me in person.
Much of the feeling of love you wrote of seems to be the memory of love rather than the feeling of love in the present. Having a girl I was in love with telling me on a greeting card that we would not go forward, would never see or hold each other again, and signing it "Love Always" was just confusing to me. How did she really feel? Who knows? I just know it was a great adventure while it lasted. I wouldn't change it. Better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all. But I have never been good at figuring out what people really think.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I never read the book either, it was my vague understanding that there were some religious overtones that would not have been of interest to me. I first heard of it when I got involved with the poly couple I dated a while and when I was going to lots of discussion groups... The poly folks just LOVE this sort of thing. Communication tools, emotional management advice, self help stuff, the lot. I see it as a good framework to understand that the behavior that means "love" to one person isn't always the behavior that comes across as "love" to another. Like speaking a different language, in a sense.
And that has to be part of this whole thing...when someone says "love" what does that mean, to them? What would it look like, if you had someone showing love in a way that made you FEEL loved? And significantly...did you ever possibly have that, and perhaps push it away or sabotage it? That's a real "ouch I'm being attacked" thing right there lol. Too much honesty, it hurts!
I would catch myself in a self-pitying and self-deprecating, "you always get this, you never get that, you don't deserve love, boo hoo" mood...and I would have to stop and realize what happened the last time someone offered me what I am mentally claiming I wish I "deserved." And it was uncomfortable. And I pushed it away. As many people do, when they were not trained to receive it growing up.
As much as I can talk about how terrible my ex was and how I would not be with him again in a million years, I do still "love him." I could have signed a breakup letter "Love Always" and it would not have been a lie. But it does not mean the same thing as the love I have for my kids or my cat or my present day husband. What it does mean, is that I remember believing in the potential of that relationship, I remember the good moments, I recognize the effort that he did make at times for our marriage and family, the fact that I spent what was then half my entire life, finished growing up with him, that he taught me so much and that I know he gave me all he could. That I don't hate him. I could never hate him even though he did some pretty unforgivable things. There is a kind of love that is forever even when you can't live with someone any more. He fathered our kids, we will always be connected. And I truly and genuinely wish him well. I wish I could have helped him, saved him, but there's no saving someone from themselves and I had to get real about that. And if I ever heard he was alone in a hospital, or needed someone to be supportive or there for him, if he were willing to accept it from me, I'd always show up.
But a big part of that isn't even about him. It is about the person that I am. Integrity, I guess, of a sort. I am not the kind to utterly turn on somebody and HATE them, just because I didn't get my way in how a relationship worked out. Or... Or maybe it's because I spent years maintaining our marriage as a matter of familial bonds and obligation, rather than personal passion. And I wanted out for a long time, I just didn't feel justified until it was unquestionably the "right thing to do."
While I wouldn't agree that people have to earn love, I know that attitude exists and it may be getting mixed up with the transactional nature of relationships. There was a man who was interested in me and he expressed it to me at least 4 different times in 4 different ways and then stopped because nothing was going to happen. He is still a guy I have to interact with and so I continue my compliments like I would anyone else I respect, but I could see that they are meaningless to him. Now the relationship feels transactional, but there is no way to earn my love.
What a great idea for a thread! Seems we have so many people today that have difficulty feeling they are valued. Could be they haven't learned that different personalities sometimes express their appreciation in other ways than they are accustomed to.
I like to give the gift of listening to others. In this mile a minute world taking time to actually sit and listen can be an act of love.
I have had an experience earlier this month where I was slipping into that glum state of mind. I am alone on vacation right now.
I swear I ran into every single person in transit and in town who had a load of bad mood and manners to dump and I happened to be in the spot where they decided to dump it. On top of that in spite of best laid plans everything that could go wrong did.
I've got some pretty good coping skills but they were wearing thin and I was heading for one of those Little Girl Lost mind-states along with the dramatic, "nobody cares about me" blues.
It's just the worst thing I could do to myself. Especially on vacation.
Had to remember to pay attention to what you describe as acts of, if not love, acts of respect, patience, forgiveness and such which surround all of us every day. Because while there are some real jerks out there who dump their own messes in our laps and feel better for it there are also plenty of well-meaning, kind, or at least professional folks doing the right thing.
And when my vision is clouded by a bad state of mind, I can't see all the little kindnesses, the "gifts," that are out there being offered. While it might not say, "I love you" a smile or a "Good morning" at least says I recognize you as a fellow human with all the struggles that entails and I salute you.
The love languages idea is useful in illustrating something important. I don't think it's a truth that applies to everyone, but it can be a useful lens to look at relationships through.
When it's relevant it helps people recognize what type of demonstration of love resonates for them. I greatly appreciate touch and words of affirmation, but acts of service don't do much for me. My partner needs quality time with me. Her father was a pos and the men in her life since have wanted to bang her but often didn't seem interested in her otherwise. I'm like those other men in one regard, but I also find her fascinating. We'll talk for hours at times and she appreciates that and tells me she does, and I think a simple two hour car ride leaves us both feeling loved by the other. We're compatible that way.
The OP seems to need something he's not getting from people in their life. Is OP asking? It doesn't have to be couched in "love languages" terms. Long before that vernacular existed people asked for more or different from people in their lives.
And there are a couple of skeptics in this discussion. It really seems they feel put upon by the idea that someone might need or want some expression of love from them. I wonder if making someone they love feel loved is too much effort? Tapping into something finite? Too much thought about something that shouldjust be. In my experience love is a verb, it's infinite, and the words should and just in this context are part of a cold, sterile language that needs no translation.
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