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You are who you are, you have already identified the fact that you carry "baggage" around with you but that's you, endorse it, and know that your family loves you for it because along with that comes a whole host of sensitivities that I'm guessing are very endearing. You probably have insight into situations with your family and friends, debacles and trauma, etc., that others don't. Those who are able to forget about the past and "not look behind them" sometimes lose the ability to learn from their missteps, so they keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm willing to bet you have adjusted your thinking and behavior based on some of the "baggage" you carry around. And remember too much history, and too much remembering can ruin the present and the future, but without any history of remembering, you personally would lose part of yourself, you don't want to do that, balance is key. Based on your post, you come across as a loving, sensitive person, don't every lose that, don't try to harden up, or beat yourself up for that, just try to strike a balance between not caring at all, and having it dominate your life. Your post illustrates an issue that we all grapple with, everyone is on that spectrum somewhere, sounds like you're really alright where you have landed.
I think it actually helps to have ADD and a poor memory (me).
I have an excruciatingly good memory, and can remember details of everything I ever did that hurt someone, or didn't do that I should have done to help someone. However, like you, I also have ADD so I seldom think about those incidents for long. I also know that there's simply no point in remembering or thinking about them since they're in the past and I can't change them anyway. I just try not to repeat them in the future.
Here we go: The neverending nature/nurture thing...I firmly believe (and personally experienced) good parenting and an upbringing that modeled resiliency, confidence, and realistic optimism. It can certainly influence those natural inclinations. Just because you're born being one way doesn't mean you can't learn to compensate for it to some degree. So much of how we face our lives is learned behavior, not innate.
I don't think you realize it, but the bolded indicates bias, re: "natural inclinations" - in YOUR example of resiliency, confidence, optimism" - an argument can be made that some people do not have those particular "natural inclinations." Maybe some people's "natural inclinations" are towards pessimism.
Just because you are optimistic does not mean that your parents implanted that trait in you through sheer parenting.
Last edited by thinkingandwondering; 04-13-2022 at 11:30 AM..
I don't think you realize it, but the bolded indicates bias, re: "natural inclinations," in YOUR example of resiliency, confidence, optimism" - an argument can be made that some people do not have those particular "natural inclinations." Maybe some people's "natural inclinations are towards pessimism.
Just because you are optimistic does not mean that your parents implanted that trait in you through sheer parenting.
Well by all accounts Jeffrey Dahmer had wonderful adoptive parents. And many successful fairly well adjusted people had dysfunctional homes and parents. So I think it must be nature, a person's genetic makeup.
In college I was a camp counselor at a YMCA day camp, and it struck me how the 5 year olds had distinctive personalities. I felt like I could see what type of adults they would be. The British Up series followed a diverse group of British school children every 7 years since they were 7 years old into their 60's so far, and the children never changed their nature and personalities throughout their lives. The old saying is "the child is father of the man".
I have known my cousins and myself since they were all children, and now they are in their 60's and 70's. I think their essential nature and personality is the same today as it was back then. I think you can change your habits, but not your essential nature.
You know...Back in the beginning of 2021, I had a few visits with a therapist. The pandemic was affecting me...I was working from home, and isolated for much of the day, my dog died...no Christmas to speak of (no family gatherings) and it all just hit me. I wasn't coping well, nearly got fired from my job because I decided "Nope. Don't want to deal with it anymore" so I didn't...I was turning in to a basket case.
Through the visits, the therapist helped me see where I had suffered a fair amount of loss. Now...everyone experiences loss...and everyone deals with it differently I guess. Some people in healthy ways, others not so much. But when she helped me see that, honestly, it was like a light bulb turning on. It was like..."Oh yeah...I can see that now."
All that to say...sometimes we don't really comprehend how 'broken' we are because we've gotten used to normalizing what isn't normal, and it can really be helpful to know that there ARE actual OTHER ways to see things that are better.
I'm commiserating with what you said...struck a chord, if you will.
I couldn't have expressed it better than you did in the bolded. Sometimes it's even just a sentence or two that makes one say "WHAT?" that helps us see that.
I was your standard-issue codependent. Yes, my husband was an alcoholic and a gambler, but I was raised that you must always put your own needs aside if it means helping other people. Eventually, so the thinking goes, you will be rewarded for your sacrifices. Except that you never, ever are. God/Fate/the Universe does not rescue or help us or save us from those who drain us of everything physically or emotionally the way I was brought up to believe. Takers just keep on taking, and they get away with it because we let them.
One day I remember my therapist said to me, "Have you ever considered that there could be a relationship with someone who does nice things for YOU, who puts YOU first?"
I was so astounded by this idea that I literally could not speak. This had not EVER remotely seemed to me to be a possibility. As far as I knew, I was put on this earth to take care of and rescue others. It was the start of beginning to realize that the way I had always viewed my place in the world might be incorrect.
I've often wondered why some people can let go of things seemingly easily and know how to move forward, while others cling on to the past and have difficulties digesting events and people.
My mother in law for instance has had her share of traumatic events, yet she doesn't seem to dwell on them. She is always positive, always doing things, meeting friends and family, making plans for the future (she is 99 by the way). My husband is very much like her, never looks behind him.
I am the opposite. I can't get over my childhood years. I am forever mourning the death of my sister and parents, I am nostalgic about everything, places I went to, houses I lived in, people I met and loved etc. I can't get over regrets I have about the way things turned out and decisions I made.
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
You should ask your husband and his mother how they do it. You still may not be like them but you may get some insights about resilience.
How do they think? Do they ever feel nostalgic? what do they do when bad memories haunt them? how do they change their thinking? How do they stop thoughts that hurt?
Well by all accounts Jeffrey Dahmer had wonderful adoptive parents. And many successful fairly well adjusted people had dysfunctional homes and parents. So I think it must be nature, a person's genetic makeup.
In college I was a camp counselor at a YMCA day camp, and it struck me how the 5 year olds had distinctive personalities. I felt like I could see what type of adults they would be. The British Up series followed a diverse group of British school children every 7 years since they were 7 years old into their 60's so far, and the children never changed their nature and personalities throughout their lives. The old saying is "the child is father of the man".
I have known my cousins and myself since they were all children, and now they are in their 60's and 70's. I think their essential nature and personality is the same today as it was back then. I think you can change your habits, but not your essential nature.
I think it mostly goes back to how one was raised, and the example of their parents, as well as people and influences around as one "grows up". I always had very positive and productive influences, and believe I've continued those throughout life. They've kept me moving forward, and out of emotional "ditches".
If you are used to healthy influences, you tend to automatically reject negative influences. On the other hand, persons used to negative and dysfunctional influences seem to continue with them since they are so familiar.
I had extremely negative mother and sister , father an abuser but I guess genetics spared me. I’m a happy person who has had unhappy things happen . I’m not a Pollyanna but rather inclined to being a pragmatic optimist who lives with gratitude and tries to find ways to overcome and learn from unhappy things that occur in my life. I suppose in some ways the lessons I learned from my foo family is I never want to be like them
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
Part of it was genes but with my childhood it was also a matter of working on it. I made a conscious decision I wanted to live a happy life. Daily Gratitude plays a huge part in living each day as a gift, and some obstacles ( lately extreme back pain) I find a way around to grab whatever joy there is.
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