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But why do that? Why not just accept your nature and work with it?
Because your nature, unless it is sunny and positive and optimistic and fun and always laughing and smiling and taking selfies, is not socially acceptable at this point in our culture's history. You will be avoided like the plague, as some of these positive people somehow believe it to be catching ("avoid negative people"), so unless you're prepared to be shunned like a leper, you must "fake it till you make it." Or try antidepressants...
I've often wondered why some people can let go of things seemingly easily and know how to move forward, while others cling on to the past and have difficulties digesting events and people.
My mother in law for instance has had her share of traumatic events, yet she doesn't seem to dwell on them. She is always positive, always doing things, meeting friends and family, making plans for the future (she is 99 by the way). My husband is very much like her, never looks behind him.
I am the opposite. I can't get over my childhood years. I am forever mourning the death of my sister and parents, I am nostalgic about everything, places I went to, houses I lived in, people I met and loved etc. I can't get over regrets I have about the way things turned out and decisions I made.
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
You are not alone. I'm more or less like you. I remember everything, good and bad together, forever. LOL
I agree with you and many others that it is like in your genes and how you were brought up. The influences of people and the environment surrounded you, from when you were little till adulthood, really affect and stick to your mind for along, long time. I also agree with others that you can change yourself to be positive by seeing therapist(s) and learn to associate with positive people. I've observed and learned from people who learned to let go and be kind, they could move on and move up easier than the ones who tried to hang on the bad/sad past and did not forgive others and/or themselves. I heard somebody IRL and on the internet said: when you change your mind and you attitude, your situation will change for you. I tried/try to practise this, and I believe it.
Because your nature, unless it is sunny and positive and optimistic and fun and always laughing and smiling and taking selfies, is not socially acceptable at this point in our culture's history. You will be avoided like the plague, as some of these positive people somehow believe it to be catching ("avoid negative people"), so unless you're prepared to be shunned like a leper, you must "fake it till you make it." Or try antidepressants...
But faking it is not the same as working daily and forever to reprogram yourself. It is just putting on a public face which doesn't require you change the way you feel about anything. I mean you can smile and chat with someone you dislike without showing it. While you are being personable and friendly you could be thinking, what an idiot this person is, without ever letting them know that you feel that way. And it's likely they will think, this person really likes me.
I've often wondered why some people can let go of things seemingly easily and know how to move forward, while others cling on to the past and have difficulties digesting events and people.
Some people hold grudges, myself included. I'm not saying it's healthy or that it isn't, it just is what it is. Some people tend to live in the past, also. Me, I'm stupefied when people in court shows forgive the murderer of their kid.
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Originally Posted by Marianna-Lou
I am the opposite. I can't get over my childhood years. I am forever mourning the death of my sister and parents, I am nostalgic about everything, places I went to, houses I lived in, people I met and loved etc. I can't get over regrets I have about the way things turned out and decisions I made.
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
That sounds a little on the extreme side, no offense. I have regrets and have made mistakes in my past (who hasn't???) but I move forward, or try to. It's good you have a spouse who is opposite, that should help. My spouse is always on the sunny side, but laughs his ass off at my sometimes cynical nature....so it works out.
But why do that? Why not just accept your nature and work with it?
I don't understand your question. I was talking in general. Why would I want to continue in this life the same as I was 40, 30, 20 years ago and not improve? Refine, chisel myself. I accept my nature/personality but I want to improve it. It's a normal wish.
At least for me it is.
I'm not going to remain a 'psychological antique', even if I'm not so bad. I just want to be better.
But faking it is not the same as working daily and forever to reprogram yourself. It is just putting on a public face which doesn't require you change the way you feel about anything.
I personally have no desire to "reprogram myself" or to let anyone else "reprogram me." Not only is it unnatural, I kind of like my personality the way it is, as unpopular as it happens to be now. Frankly, I regard many of the "positive" people I know as rather ditzy and airheaded, in denial to some degree, emotional vs logical, or fake or forced.
Anyone remember "The Stepford Wives"?
Who decided that we must all become happy extroverts? I'm quite friendly and certainly polite to everyone I meet, but there's room in this world for the quiet, the reserved, the thoughtful, the introverted, and even the melancholy (or there should be, IMHO).
I don't understand your question. I was talking in general. Why would I want to continue in this life the same as I was 40, 30, 20 years ago and not improve? Refine, chisel myself. I accept my nature/personality but I want to improve it. It's a normal wish.
At least for me it is.
I'm not going to remain a 'psychological antique', even if I'm not so bad. I just want to be better.
That's assuming people can improve. Maybe some can but from what I have seen, people never change. They can change habits, maybe go on a diet, improve their muscles, stop smoking. But they are still the same person. One expression that comes to mind is a "dry drunk".
That's assuming people can improve. Maybe some can but from what I have seen, people never change.
That's it... People really CAN'T change their basic inborn natures. The most you can achieve is artifice or "white-knuckling" it through life trying to be something you're not. Embrace the nature nature gave you!
That's it... People really CAN'T change their basic inborn natures. The most you can achieve is artifice or "white-knuckling" it through life trying to be something you're not. Embrace the nature nature gave you!
1. You learn from them. My goal is to not repeat the action that caused regret.
2. You can make amends to those who you might need to make amends.
I have regrets...but I don't dwell on them too much. I'm thankful that I'm not wired that way. My biggest regret is giving a child up for adoption...not the actual adoption...it was the right thing to do, but it's real hard giving up a child, and I regret hurting the people I hurt...and there were plenty.
Takes a lot more strength and shows a lot more love to give up a child for adoption than to keep it.
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I just want to be better.
