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Heart vs Head.
That is how some can ' appear' to be positive and resolute.
Denial can cover itself up as ' see I'm smiling ...I'm okay!' .
Pure naivete ' is rarely seen by those who endured true stressors or trauma.
It's defense though is to overcompensate though with harsh bitterness or the ' marysunshine' demeanor..
I tend to think even Elizabeth Smart during her teen years had to overcompensate with the marysunshine' demeanor as her faith required it. Surely her faith in God was not to be questioned . I think her parents genuinely did her a disservice by not getting her therapy.
I suppose if someone is more head ( rationalizes) then they'll justify and find a sensible reason . Rarely linking the emotion to the event. ( Disassociation).
I only just saw this post now. I'm not familiar with much about her life after her ordeal, except that I recall that she became a public speaker about kidnapping, and an activist for policy change in how such cases are handled. Why do you say her parents did her a disservice, by not getting her therapy? (I wasn't aware that they hadn't. I wonder now, why they didn't.) I'm curious as to what more there is to her story, that may not have been told. Is there a religious agenda in the background?
My sister once asked me how I can move on from the hurts of our shared past, our childhood issues. I told her that I had the same pains from our childhood and past, but that I keep them in a box, on a high shelf, in a closet, in the back of my mind. I told her I do take them out once in a while when I'm alone, turn them over in my hands, and touch them, and look to see how they look now. Maybe I'm checking to see if these old things have any power, or purpose, in my life today. Then I put them away, back in the box in the closet, and close the door. I don't put my pains on display on the living room table, and I don't drag them out in public and wave them around for others to see. It doesn't mean they aren't there, but they are in their place, and I control them, not the other way around, so I can live a happy life.
She was not like me. She couldn't "get past" some things in her life. Losing her husband to a long illness was another horrible thing she just couldn't ever get past. She drank to kill the pain, until the pain killed her. Grieving takes time, and the determination to get yourself up off the ground, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's not just faking it, it's faking it until you're making it. At some point you realize you aren't faking it anymore. The world goes on, and so must we.
It sounds like you're giving yourself credit for handling your childhood "better" than your sibling . . . everyone is different - different temperaments, karma (if you believe in that), experiences. You didn't have the "same" childhood - it was experienced and seen through different lenses.
I might consider you "lucky" for having a temperament that has allowed you to be functional. A case could also be made that putting your problems in a box and not examining them or processing them, might not be healthy at all - could possibly contribute to physical disease, mental health, and/or relationship issues.
Your sibling might have been highly sensitive and unable to process her trauma. That is not a weakness, as you seem to have concluded. It's not over yet for you.
It sounds like you're giving yourself credit for handling your childhood "better" than your sibling . . . everyone is different - different temperaments, karma (if you believe in that), experiences. You didn't have the "same" childhood - it was experienced and seen through different lenses.
I might consider you "lucky" for having a temperament that has allowed you to be functional. A case could also be made that putting your problems in a box and not examining them or processing them, might not be healthy at all - could possibly contribute to physical disease, mental health, and/or relationship issues.
Your sibling might have been highly sensitive and unable to process her trauma. That is not a weakness, as you seem to have concluded. It's not over yet for you.
I've often wondered why some people can let go of things seemingly easily and know how to move forward, while others cling on to the past and have difficulties digesting events and people.
My mother in law for instance has had her share of traumatic events, yet she doesn't seem to dwell on them. She is always positive, always doing things, meeting friends and family, making plans for the future (she is 99 by the way). My husband is very much like her, never looks behind him.
I am the opposite. I can't get over my childhood years. I am forever mourning the death of my sister and parents, I am nostalgic about everything, places I went to, houses I lived in, people I met and loved etc. I can't get over regrets I have about the way things turned out and decisions I made.
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
Depends on how people are able to cope. Sometimes they just dont know it is happening, or how to let go. I read enough psychology stuff to know how to get over things. some people are very damaged from their life and its hard to walk when you have a broken leg, so to speak. some people might actually enjoy wallowing in the past for whatever good it does to them in their mind.
It sounds like you're giving yourself credit for handling your childhood "better" than your sibling . . . everyone is different - different temperaments, karma (if you believe in that), experiences. You didn't have the "same" childhood - it was experienced and seen through different lenses.
I might consider you "lucky" for having a temperament that has allowed you to be functional. A case could also be made that putting your problems in a box and not examining them or processing them, might not be healthy at all - could possibly contribute to physical disease, mental health, and/or relationship issues.
Your sibling might have been highly sensitive and unable to process her trauma. That is not a weakness, as you seem to have concluded. It's not over yet for you.
I dunno, I think that whole, "well you may have been lucky so far but just you wait" thing is a bit unkind.
I mean like so many things, especially here in my home country of America, we have division between those who lean hard to the idea that we have power over all of our outcomes. Bootstraps, and all that. If you work hard, you'll get ahead, and if you got ahead, you must have deserved it. And the opposite, which says that those who struggle are in some way inferior or flawed and deserved their lot just as much.
And then there is an opposite ideology that posits that it's all about whatever privileges you were born into, and luck. That anyone given that much luck would obviously have success and those who don't have success were simply unlucky.
In reality, I think that sometimes it's one, sometimes it's the other...neither, both...it's chaos out there.
There are people who will work hard their whole lives, deserve every good thing, and yet get screwed by life. There are people who have every advantage and every opportunity, and squander them. Anything and everything in between.
And one never knows when a single incident in one's childhood will be the neurological butterfly flapping its wings that sets into motion a hurricane of behaviors and thought patterns on the other side of one's life.
But this here argument... I have seen explosive, abusive people use it as a rationalization for behaviors that actually harm other people. I think that's why I have to hold up a finger and say, "wait a minute." Like I am a very contained and calm individual, and I've had others who more often blow up at people tell me that I'm "bottling it up" and one day I'm gonna explode. Like, no...I really doubt that I will. And I do not accept that those who express things in unhealthy ways are entitled to do so, on the grounds that it is only natural and those who can exercise self control and NOT engage in certain behaviors are just somehow lucky enough to have different skills and headed for a karmic reckoning of some sort.
Does that mean I should get some kind of credit for being a lofty, superior being because I feel no need to punch walls or hurt people, or because I have found the tools to pull myself out of grief or depression before it gets too dire for my mental health? No. I'm not ~better~ than anyone. But at the same time, I think that people do owe it to themselves and others to put in some effort, to find healthy and nonviolent ways to deal with their emotions. (Nonviolent to self and others.) And the fact stands that while some people may simply be lucky or unlucky...some also exist who excuse and defend toxic behavior and do not WANT to do any of the work to do any better. And yes, sadly, sometimes it destroys them.
I am 60 years old. I was raped in my late teens, by an acquaintance (that I was NOT dating). My mom was bipolar, my youngest brother is schizophrenic, my dad was the classic enabler, who didn't know how to handle these two dear people in his lives who were struggling with severe mental illnesses. I went to nine schools in multiple states and two countries by the time I was in the eighth grade. Yes, my parents stayed together, but what that taught me was how to be tough I guess. I think I became more extroverted than I actually AM over those years.
The father of my four adult children was abusive. I eventually divorced him. I was happily married for fifteen years to my kids' stepdad. Then in my fifties I lost, first my father in law (who I was close to), then my mother in law (also close to her), then my father, then my mother, then my middle brother (pancreatic cancer), and finally, my darling husband, who I constantly called "my boon companion" and "my friend with benefits." He dropped dead suddenly of a massive heart attack.
He died nearly two years ago. The first year was absolutely horrible. I was trying to settle his estate. I was grieving over him. I was in shock. I was a mess. I mean, I was grateful that he hadn't suffered, but it was shocking to be left behind, especially after all the years of loss leading up to it. Now I am more grateful that I had those experiences, because in hindsight I believe that God was preparing me for what He knew was coming, but at the time, I just weathered loss after loss after loss and it was horrible.
Then, just about six weeks after my precious husband died, I fell and shattered my right (dominant arm) elbow (tripped over my dog outside on my patio), and had to spend five days in the hospital, and had to have my whole right arm basically rebuilt with titanium. Lord have mercy.
That was ironically the best thing that happened to me during all that time, because it forced me to lay in a bed, to focus on my own recovery, to focus on getting myself stronger and better. Until then, I was running on fumes and not paying a bit of attention to my own needs.
Here's the deal. I am not a naturally melancholy person. Though I am more extroverted than I think I was originally, due to various circumstances throughout my life, I am just not a naturally sad or particularly introspective person. I am also fiercely independent. I am strong and healthy. I am the first born and the only girl (I think that's nearly as important as DNA). But after losing so many people who were dear to me, I admitted freely that I was in over my head, and I signed up for grief counseling. The counselor, who was excellent (she was a referral), told me what I suspected already - that I had PTSD, and she treated me successfully for that. First I went every week, then every two weeks, then once a month, then once a quarter and now I just check in with her occasionally.
Long story short, I miss the people in my life who died before me. I wish they were still alive but they simply aren't, and frankly that's the natural order of things and I just need to accept it (which I believe I have). They are never coming back into my life on this earth. Anyway, I miss them all terribly, especially my late husband and my late younger brother - and of course my parents. But my life continues, and over the past few months I have begun finding the joy in life again.
A few weeks ago, I began dating someone. It was nice at first but then he wanted to spend the night at my house, and that's when I discovered that I think I'd rather be alone. I have learned, and am still learning, to pay very close attention to my emotions - something I've not done much of in the past. When I went to his house and "broke things off" with him romantically, he asked me to please leave, and when I did so, instead of feeling sad, I felt so, so relieved. I also felt so thankful when he didn't spend the night and when I spent that evening and the next morning by myself - it was fabulous. FABULOUS. It shouldn't feel that way in a relationship and I realize that, so while it was nice to date someone, I don't think I'm ready and I may never be, and if not, that's OK too - and if it happens later, that's fine too.
Anyway, I don't like feeling bad. I'd rather feel good. I choose good. You know, I can choose this and I'm just grateful that I CAN choose it. I guess some people can't, but I can. Here's what I believe - I believe that we live in a fallen world, where people die and leave us and all that stuff. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that I can only see a small sliver of the total truth that's out there. I believe I will see my loved ones again, and I believe that they can see me in some way right now but that they understand more than I can from my limited perspective - they know this and are OK with it. I believe that it's my responsibility to learn from life and to apply what I've learned and to continue to become a better and better, not worse and worse, person.
So far so good.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 05-28-2022 at 06:50 AM..
I've often wondered why some people can let go of things seemingly easily and know how to move forward, while others cling on to the past and have difficulties digesting events and people.
My mother in law for instance has had her share of traumatic events, yet she doesn't seem to dwell on them. She is always positive, always doing things, meeting friends and family, making plans for the future (she is 99 by the way). My husband is very much like her, never looks behind him.
I am the opposite. I can't get over my childhood years. I am forever mourning the death of my sister and parents, I am nostalgic about everything, places I went to, houses I lived in, people I met and loved etc. I can't get over regrets I have about the way things turned out and decisions I made.
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
I think you are right - we are all wired differently. some of the poeple who seem to be all happy and not dwell on things, who knows if that's healthy? she might be keeping something locked inside which is harming her mental health.
You might be a person who is sentimental and cares about things deeply, vs someone who is superficial and doesn't let things get too deep with them. then again, theres people that weaponsize their traumas to others because they get some kind of reward like major sympathy or attention, or they manipulate people with their emotions. so lots of cases where people have this or that or not.
We all learn how to cope in life, how to get over things so that we dont become stuck. some folks are fortunate that they have learned how to detach and move on with life. some folks have a harder life where they dont get much support or emotional needs met. some people are successful in life but have put up walls so they dont get hurt. you never know.
So i think it is genes, how we are wired, and our life experiences, and the people in our lives who all helped shape who we are. I know someone who grew up in a horrid household and now they are an adult and have been made stronger because they learned how not to let these horrid people defeat them.
I've often wondered why some people can let go of things seemingly easily and know how to move forward, while others cling on to the past and have difficulties digesting events and people.
My mother in law for instance has had her share of traumatic events, yet she doesn't seem to dwell on them. She is always positive, always doing things, meeting friends and family, making plans for the future (she is 99 by the way). My husband is very much like her, never looks behind him.
I am the opposite. I can't get over my childhood years. I am forever mourning the death of my sister and parents, I am nostalgic about everything, places I went to, houses I lived in, people I met and loved etc. I can't get over regrets I have about the way things turned out and decisions I made.
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
The SECRET is that you can work with how you are and still get where you want to be.
What you have observed about people is real.
But what if it's not true?
Repeat that to yourself whenever you feel in a bind.
"But what if it's not true?"
Also, you can ask the miracle question to others
But surprisingly you can ask it of yourself as well:
"What Would It Take .........to get what you want to have.
"What would it take......to be the person you want to be?
"What would it take.... to lighten the suitcases?
I am 60 years old. I was raped in my late teens, by an acquaintance (that I was NOT dating). My mom was bipolar, my youngest brother is schizophrenic, my dad was the classic enabler, who didn't know how to handle these two dear people in his lives who were struggling with severe mental illnesses. I went to nine schools in multiple states and two countries by the time I was in the eighth grade. Yes, my parents stayed together, but what that taught me was how to be tough I guess. I think I became more extroverted than I actually AM over those years.
The father of my four adult children was abusive. I eventually divorced him. I was happily married for fifteen years to my kids' stepdad. Then in my fifties I lost, first my father in law (who I was close to), then my mother in law (also close to her), then my father, then my mother, then my middle brother (pancreatic cancer), and finally, my darling husband, who I constantly called "my boon companion" and "my friend with benefits." He dropped dead suddenly of a massive heart attack.
He died nearly two years ago. The first year was absolutely horrible. I was trying to settle his estate. I was grieving over him. I was in shock. I was a mess. I mean, I was grateful that he hadn't suffered, but it was shocking to be left behind, especially after all the years of loss leading up to it. Now I am more grateful that I had those experiences, because in hindsight I believe that God was preparing me for what He knew was coming, but at the time, I just weathered loss after loss after loss and it was horrible.
Then, just about six weeks after my precious husband died, I fell and shattered my right (dominant arm) elbow (tripped over my dog outside on my patio), and had to spend five days in the hospital, and had to have my whole right arm basically rebuilt with titanium. Lord have mercy.
That was ironically the best thing that happened to me during all that time, because it forced me to lay in a bed, to focus on my own recovery, to focus on getting myself stronger and better. Until then, I was running on fumes and not paying a bit of attention to my own needs.
Here's the deal. I am not a naturally melancholy person. Though I am more extroverted than I think I was originally, due to various circumstances throughout my life, I am just not a naturally sad or particularly introspective person. I am also fiercely independent. I am strong and healthy. I am the first born and the only girl (I think that's nearly as important as DNA). But after losing so many people who were dear to me, I admitted freely that I was in over my head, and I signed up for grief counseling. The counselor, who was excellent (she was a referral), told me what I suspected already - that I had PTSD, and she treated me successfully for that. First I went every week, then every two weeks, then once a month, then once a quarter and now I just check in with her occasionally.
Long story short, I miss the people in my life who died before me. I wish they were still alive but they simply aren't, and frankly that's the natural order of things and I just need to accept it (which I believe I have). They are never coming back into my life on this earth. Anyway, I miss them all terribly, especially my late husband and my late younger brother - and of course my parents. But my life continues, and over the past few months I have begun finding the joy in life again.
A few weeks ago, I began dating someone. It was nice at first but then he wanted to spend the night at my house, and that's when I discovered that I think I'd rather be alone. I have learned, and am still learning, to pay very close attention to my emotions - something I've not done much of in the past. When I went to his house and "broke things off" with him romantically, he asked me to please leave, and when I did so, instead of feeling sad, I felt so, so relieved. I also felt so thankful when he didn't spend the night and when I spent that evening and the next morning by myself - it was fabulous. FABULOUS. It shouldn't feel that way in a relationship and I realize that, so while it was nice to date someone, I don't think I'm ready and I may never be, and if not, that's OK too - and if it happens later, that's fine too.
Anyway, I don't like feeling bad. I'd rather feel good. I choose good. You know, I can choose this and I'm just grateful that I CAN choose it. I guess some people can't, but I can. Here's what I believe - I believe that we live in a fallen world, where people die and leave us and all that stuff. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that I can only see a small sliver of the total truth that's out there. I believe I will see my loved ones again, and I believe that they can see me in some way right now but that they understand more than I can from my limited perspective - they know this and are OK with it. I believe that it's my responsibility to learn from life and to apply what I've learned and to continue to become a better and better, not worse and worse, person.
So far so good.
I forgive your dog.
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