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I've often wondered why some people can let go of things seemingly easily and know how to move forward, while others cling on to the past and have difficulties digesting events and people.
My mother in law for instance has had her share of traumatic events, yet she doesn't seem to dwell on them. She is always positive, always doing things, meeting friends and family, making plans for the future (she is 99 by the way). My husband is very much like her, never looks behind him.
I am the opposite. I can't get over my childhood years. I am forever mourning the death of my sister and parents, I am nostalgic about everything, places I went to, houses I lived in, people I met and loved etc. I can't get over regrets I have about the way things turned out and decisions I made.
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
One answer is that some people got a lot more parental support than others. That makes a big difference, I think, in terms of the emotional resources people have to draw on when the chips are down. Being raised with strong parental support and love makes people more resilient.
The poster child for that resilience is Elizabeth Smart, who was kidnapped in her teens, repeatedly raped by her captor, and abused by both her captor and his wife. She was cast as a co-wife. She eventually managed to escape, and spoke about how drawing daily on the reservoir of love and support her parents had raised her with, helped her survive the ordeal.
OP, if you lost your parents when you were a child, that could have something to do with your "mental suitcases". Have you ever considered getting some therapy for this? Perhaps you need support in dedicating some time to mourn your losses, and getting that out of your system, for example. There are therapists who are skilled at showing you how to do that without the process taking over your life. On the contrary, the techniques facilitate an unburdening and a healing process. There are therapists who specialize in grief work, among other things.
Heart vs Head.
That is how some can ' appear' to be positive and resolute.
Denial can cover itself up as ' see I'm smiling ...I'm okay!' .
Pure naivete ' is rarely seen by those who endured true stressors or trauma.
It's defense though is to overcompensate though with harsh bitterness or the ' marysunshine' demeanor..
I tend to think even Elizabeth Smart during her teen years had to overcompensate with the marysunshine' demeanor as her faith required it. Surely her faith in God was not to be questioned . I think her parents genuinely did her a disservice by not getting her therapy.
I suppose if someone is more head ( rationalizes) then they'll justify and find a sensible reason . Rarely linking the emotion to the event. ( Disassociation).
I am one of those people who has very few regrets. It just seems logical to me. First, because regrets are a waste of time, they don't change anything, just make you feel worse. Second because there is no way to tell how things would have turned out if you had acted differently. Third because I just try to accept things. I'm satisfied with what I have. It's the path of least resistance and makes the most sense to me. But everyone is different, and from what I have seen no one ever changes. So maybe it is dyed in the wool.
I think it mostly goes back to how one was raised, and the example of their parents, as well as people and influences around as one "grows up". I always had very positive and productive influences, and believe I've continued those throughout life. They've kept me moving forward, and out of emotional "ditches".
If you are used to healthy influences, you tend to automatically reject negative influences. On the other hand, persons used to negative and dysfunctional influences seem to continue with them since they are so familiar.
I think it mostly goes back to how one was raised, and the example of their parents, as well as people and influences around as one "grows up". I always had very positive and productive influences, and believe I've continued those throughout life. They've kept me moving forward, and out of emotional "ditches".
If you are used to healthy influences, you tend to automatically reject negative influences. On the other hand, persons used to negative and dysfunctional influences seem to continue with them since they are so familiar.
Exactly. You hit the nail on the head with the bolded. We know how to operate within the dysfunctional system. As a person who had to learn to live differently through therapy and still doesn't have it quite down, I didn't know how to function around healthy people. I watched them to try to figure out what they did different from what I did, and it helped me at least appear to be a "regular" person, particularly in the workplace.
My therapist once said that when he boiled it down, his role in therapy was teaching people skills that they were missing to live more fully. Some of those skills just mean thinking differently from the way one thought before. That core sadness born of childhood experience is always there, deep down, but I don't have to live by it anymore and I don't have to think about it all the time, either.
Exactly. You hit the nail on the head with the bolded. We know how to operate within the dysfunctional system. As a person who had to learn to live differently through therapy and still doesn't have it quite down, I didn't know how to function around healthy people. I watched them to try to figure out what they did different from what I did, and it helped me at least appear to be a "regular" person, particularly in the workplace.
My therapist once said that when he boiled it down, his role in therapy was teaching people skills that they were missing to live more fully. Some of those skills just mean thinking differently from the way one thought before. That core sadness born of childhood experience is always there, deep down, but I don't have to live by it anymore and I don't have to think about it all the time, either.
You know...Back in the beginning of 2021, I had a few visits with a therapist. The pandemic was affecting me...I was working from home, and isolated for much of the day, my dog died...no Christmas to speak of (no family gatherings) and it all just hit me. I wasn't coping well, nearly got fired from my job because I decided "Nope. Don't want to deal with it anymore" so I didn't...I was turning in to a basket case.
Through the visits, the therapist helped me see where I had suffered a fair amount of loss. Now...everyone experiences loss...and everyone deals with it differently I guess. Some people in healthy ways, others not so much. But when she helped me see that, honestly, it was like a light bulb turning on. It was like..."Oh yeah...I can see that now."
All that to say...sometimes we don't really comprehend how 'broken' we are because we've gotten used to normalizing what isn't normal, and it can really be helpful to know that there ARE actual OTHER ways to see things that are better.
I'm commiserating with what you said...struck a chord, if you will.
I am one of those people who has very few regrets. It just seems logical to me. First, because regrets are a waste of time, they don't change anything, just make you feel worse. Second because there is no way to tell how things would have turned out if you had acted differently. Third because I just try to accept things. I'm satisfied with what I have. It's the path of least resistance and makes the most sense to me. But everyone is different, and from what I have seen no one ever changes. So maybe it is dyed in the wool.
I consider regrets - missing the bullseye.
Absolutely have regrets. The regret of speaking ill to my parent... The regret of not being there for my one sons' award program. Those regrets helped set or remind me of my standards and how I needed to actively work to align to those values. I both marvel at a person who can say...no regrets! and at the same time wonder if the unexamined life was why regrets didn't hit the awareness zone.
Baloney that only ' healthy ' people have a resilient ability to overcome .
And yes I sponsored folks and they DO change...we are not static stones. We are mutable and influencing ...
I am not the same person today as I was at 19. Life lessons left there badge
Originally Posted by bobspez I am one of those people who has very few regrets. It just seems logical to me. First, because regrets are a waste of time, they don't change anything, just make you feel worse. Second because there is no way to tell how things would have turned out if you had acted differently. Third because I just try to accept things. I'm satisfied with what I have. It's the path of least resistance and makes the most sense to me. But everyone is different, and from what I have seen no one ever changes. So maybe it is dyed in the wool.
You sound EXACTLY like my husband ! :-)
I envy people like you, I really do!
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