True stoicism is a rare thing (mentally, complex, weight, adult)
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I also notice that some of the strongest critics of other people's emotional patterns tend to easily unravel whenever the spotlight is on them, or they become triggered by something said that hits close to home. You'd think that, as a result, they'd have more empathy.
Is it perhaps a defense mechanism? A response to past trauma in their own lives? Did they develop the hard exterior to convey a stronger sense that they are in control, have it together, etc.?
Some people were last in line when emotions like empathy and compassion were passed out. Also, some people have been so deeply wounded (often in childhood) that's its all they can do just to get out of bed everyday and show up for their own lives. This takes all the strength they have and they have nothing left for others. Or their attitude is, "You think YOUR life is bad? Mine is much worse, but you don't hear me whining about it!"
An extreme case of this would be someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Such a person has little to no empathy for anyone. Thus, they cannot understand someone else's emotions or feelings. They only understand their own and the world revolves around them. For whatever reason, narcissists simply cannot tolerate criticism. If you say the tiniest thing to them that can be interpreted as not liking their behavior or something that they have done, they fall into a fit of self defensive anger.
My roommate is like this. He claims that he is the unluckiest person in the world and that no one had as bad a childhood as he did. He's an ace at feeling sorry for himself but he never once stops to think how his behavior impacts me or maybe that I have difficulties of my own. Its all about him.
In my opinion people who lack compassion have great difficulty being a part of the human race. There's like this blank spot inside them and this blindness prevents them from understanding many human interactions. Its kind of sad, actually.
Some people were last in line when emotions like empathy and compassion were passed out. Also, some people have been so deeply wounded (often in childhood) that's its all they can do just to get out of bed everyday and show up for their own lives. This takes all the strength they have and they have nothing left for others. Or their attitude is, "You think YOUR life is bad? Mine is much worse, but you don't hear me whining about it!"
An extreme case of this would be someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Such a person has little to no empathy for anyone. Thus, they cannot understand someone else's emotions or feelings. They only understand their own and the world revolves around them. For whatever reason, narcissists simply cannot tolerate criticism. If you say the tiniest thing to them that can be interpreted as not liking their behavior or something that they have done, they fall into a fit of self defensive anger.
My roommate is like this. He claims that he is the unluckiest person in the world and that no one had as bad a childhood as he did. He's an ace at feeling sorry for himself but he never once stops to think how his behavior impacts me or maybe that I have difficulties of my own. Its all about him.
In my opinion people who lack compassion have great difficulty being a part of the human race. There's like this blank spot inside them and this blindness prevents them from understanding many human interactions. Its kind of sad, actually.
Very well put! I think this is a fantastic summary.
It's just narcissistic manipulation in some form. Make yourself look stronger than you are, beat the weak when they show weakness, and mock them for it while you hide your own wounds. It's human nature, we all do it. Sometimes we are aware of it, sometimes we aren't. Stoicism is arguably very conflicting with human nature.
Having half my childhood among low income poor neighborhoods and later in very affluent neighborhoods, I find myself neither here or there. I essentially have two groups of people that are opposite of each other; poor and affluent. Each group walks a different path and neither (except my closest of friends) know that I have a foot in both. I live out my social life in two worlds that often come into conflict. I even catch myself behaving differently depending on who I'm with at the time. I bite my tongue often... sometimes insight from one side is offered to the other if they are open to hearing me out. It has forced me to always take others' circumstances under consideration because I've seen it first hand.... if I can't, I tend to just remain silent and listen.
It was never easy....
Just the last week, I was doing lunch with one group and the big discussion was around the "evils" of porn... Meanwhile, my best friend in my other group makes a living and has so for decades as a sex worker. A product of her environment supporting and providing a better life to her children that she wasn't privy to. Its not uncommon to have lunch talking about how crappy one's corporate job and the stresses that come along with that. Then end the evening with with another friend who is facing eviction from an apartment homelessness. Neither group is better than the other... just different.
I agree it most likely falls under the lack of self awareness....
Its easy to fall into an "us" vs "them" attitude and only get triggered by issues that directly only affect themselves.... ignoring how the same issues are not necessarily seen through the same lens by others. I think empathy and compassion, for those that in tune with them, are honed and refined according to one's personal experiences and circumstances. Social classes in this country are very isolated from each other.. so is their sense of empathy and compassion. I find teachers and educators who have worked in a variety of districts are most in tune... my wife being one... working with autistic children in poor districts while we live and raise our children in a middle class town with a good school/resources.
I think the OP is referring to an unhealthy detachment.
True Stoicism is a logical self-discipline that aids an individual in developing a habit of tranquility to life's disturbances. I consider it a healthy tool for sensitive people.
But there are people who pretend not to care when they do. And there are people who pretend to care when they don't. They aren't done growing emotionally yet.
I think the OP is referring to something other than Stoicism. True Stoicism is a logical discipline which aids in developing an attitude of tranquility in our lives.
It doesn't mean uncaring or unable to care. It doesn't mean pretending not to care.
Stoicism is both a philosophy and an adjective that describes the repression of emotion, and indifference to pleasure or pain. It can also mean "indifferent".
When you take it out of context, then it probably wouldn't make sense for what I'm talking about.
But a stoic person (outside of the philosophy) can certainly be described as someone who reveals very little emotion. I used the term in the context of someone showing very little emotion or empathy towards other people's concerns. Almost as if those problems are trivial, meaningless, insignificant.
A few disjointed thoughts since I'm unsure of your point -
I know it concerns some people if others don't show the same emotions they have or to the degree they have. That can be so habit-forming that they only bond with others who share their more disturbed feelings. (Edit: Make that "compelling feelings.")
In psychology there's a name for it - trauma bonding.
People who don't show emotion may be emotionally damaged or they may be emotionally honest. Or perhaps they may not want to get involved in someone's emotional investment. It's hard to know without knowing them better.
But it may not be fair to expect others to have the same emotional reactions as I do.
There are those who are emotionally detached for whatever reason. It isn't always a negative thing.
And there are some who are so emotionally sensitive to others that it can be a problem for them.
And there are some who are so emotionally sensitive to others that it can be a problem for them.
It's the insensitivity paired with the portrayal that they are above it all when they clearly aren't.
Let me just use an example.
Someone tells a story about how they felt that their co-worker was rude to them. My response to them is, "Stop your whining, you sound dramatic. Maybe people should avoid you, because you sound like trouble."
Some time later, someone says something that strikes a nerve. Whatever was said, it hits close to home, triggered multiple emotions, and now I'm fuming. Now I might be expecting people to feel empathy towards me and my concerns. Do I deserve it? If my general attitude towards other people's perceived wrongs is contempt and disbelief?
It's that general imbalance, where some people think that only their problems matter and everyone else just needs to get over it.
It's the insensitivity paired with the portrayal that they are above it all when they clearly aren't.
Let me just use an example.
Someone tells a story about how they felt that their co-worker was rude to them. My response to them is, "Stop your whining, you sound dramatic. Maybe people should avoid you, because you sound like trouble."
Some time later, someone says something that strikes a nerve. Whatever was said, it hits close to home, triggered multiple emotions, and now I'm fuming. Now I might be expecting people to feel empathy towards me and my concerns. Do I deserve it? If my general attitude towards other people's perceived wrongs is contempt and disbelief?
It's that general imbalance, where some people think that only their problems matter and everyone else just needs to get over it.
Empathize with yourself. I had that same situation with someone close to me. It made me mad but then I realized that it wasn't his empathy I wanted but my own. He wanted to complain about things he told me I shouldn't worry about when it happened to me. Sucks for him because he doesn't see it and won't grow. I now have the ability to emphasize with myself. That's all I need.
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