People with a terrorizing past; Has your tolerance threshold for adverse/serious situations gotten better or worse? (therapy, boyfriend)
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I'm gifted with a wide range of feelings and my first response to any hint of discord has always been to become very still. The difference between my childhood and now is that I would get caught up in my unpleasant feelings in times of turmoil. And my feelings would either cause me to retaliate or sit in miserable silence. Neither are good choices for me.
I had to learn to recognize what exactly I was feeling, for instance knowing that anger is a masking feeling and what was under that anger was fear or hurt. Then once I understood what my emotional response was and why I had it I had to learn to use my thinking to problem solve instead of reacting with my feelings. I try to choose a response that will produce a solution that meets the need of the uncomfortable emotion.
Cuz, you know, that's what feelings are for. They are messages from the psyche/body sent to us telling us what we need. I try to pay attention.
I believe that most people simply gravitate to dynamics they are familiar with, thinking they can navigate those waters at least.
This is true. It's why women often leave one addict or abuser and find another. They know how to operate in that environment and manage with those types of people.
This is true. It's why women often leave one addict or abuser and find another. They know how to operate in that environment and manage with those types of people.
I think that phenomenon is not just...that.
Someone I read a while back put it a way that made sense to me, I will try to remember well enough to paraphrase.
It's not that these women are going out looking for that kind of man, seeking him out or choosing him on purpose. He is casting a broad net and most abusers are looking for someone to abuse. It's not so much about who you find and make that initial connection with, it's more about who you allow to STAY in your life.
Abusive people are not rare. They aren't hard to find. They will find you, if you let them.
It is a question of boundaries. Abuse victims often struggle to have good boundaries and to enforce them, because part of their upbringing is often being taught that they don't have any right to personal boundaries. If we were abused as kids, we had no right to stand up for ourselves, for our needs to matter...we learned to let our lives revolve around another person. So when an abuser comes along, it's not that we are drawn to him and select him, it's that when HE says, "I love you and you're mine now" we don't know how to say, "Um...no." Before long he is telling us what we think about all sorts of things.
To me, someone wanting to be exclusive, to move in together, or to get married too fast is a red flag. I feel that pushing for such things when the other person isn't ready might be because they're trying to make it harder to leave, in case the person realizes what they're dealing with. You cannot force a person to be committed to you via controlling them, and it sure seems to me like a lot of people try.
OP, did you mean a TERRIFYING past? That appears to be how we were meant to take it. (I couldn't figure out what "people with a terrorizing past" meant -- it sounded like you meant people who DID the terrorizing, not the ones who WERE terrorized themselves.)
To me, someone wanting to be exclusive, to move in together, or to get married too fast is a red flag. I feel that pushing for such things when the other person isn't ready might be because they're trying to make it harder to leave, in case the person realizes what they're dealing with. You cannot force a person to be committed to you via controlling them, and it sure seems to me like a lot of people try.
Yeah, obviously so; that said, it’s why it is imperative for one to have (or at least be working toward) their psychological health in order to live a ‘good life’ relative to relationships or generally speaking, for that matter.
In other words, neither the person trying to control/manipulate nor one who allows it is psychologically well.
Yeah, obviously so; that said, it’s why it is imperative for one to have (or at least be working toward) their psychological health in order to live a ‘good life’ relative to relationships or generally speaking, for that matter.
In other words, neither the person trying to control/manipulate nor one who allows it is psychologically well.
True, but I also think that sometimes the one who allows it may be more vulnerable, rather than psychologically unwell. Like a very young person who just is not wise enough to see what is happening and understand the risks that they are in, someone who gets taken advantage of because they are naïve, not self aware enough YET at that point in life to know what is happening.
There could still be a case made that they were not "psychologically well" I guess...but I hesitate because that sounds like "mentally ill." Some things one just grows out of, learns with time, are not mental illness in need of some sort of treatment.
If that makes sense?
But yeah if someone is like 40 years old habitually making the same mistakes they did at age 16, 18, 20... Mental unwellness could certainly be a valid consideration there.
True, but I also think that sometimes the one who allows it may be more vulnerable, rather than psychologically unwell.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
There could still be a case made that they were not "psychologically well" I guess...but I hesitate because that sounds like "mentally ill." Some things one just grows out of, learns with time, are not mental illness in need of some sort of treatment.
Yeah, but they’re vulnerable due to their lack of awareness/psychological state i.e. they aren’t making good choices for themselves. I don’t consider it to be the same as mental illness; it doesn’t require ‘treatment’. It’s a matter of behavioral awareness (relative to their insecurity or whatever) and a better understanding of themselves/relationships. We all have a line of what we will/won’t accept - or should.
That said, one who manipulates or tries to control may be just as likely to suffer from deep-seated insecurity i.e. they are fearful the other will leave (or not love the real person they are) so they attempt to control/force the relationship/narrative. From my perspective, neither one feels worthy; and living in (or hanging onto) the past does not create better opportunity or psychological health.
Last edited by CorporateCowboy; 07-06-2022 at 05:06 PM..
I’ve found most women try to recreate their relationship with their fathers in relationships so if they have daddy issues run for the hills. Id imagine same with Men and their mothers.
Also in a similliar way I guess, people who were abused as a child try to recreate the relationship they had with their abuser.
It’s also what’s normal to them. They probably feel weird in a non abusive relationship because it’s all they know
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My sister, brother and I were all emotionally damaged. My sister is a nervous wreak and my brother has undercurrent of anger. Me? I have few happy childhood memories. I cringe every time my sister brings up "daddy." As far as my tolerance level for the past. Both my parents have died and I see my siblings on special occasions but that's it. We have nothing in common but we are on speaking terms and that's a good thing.
OP, did you mean a TERRIFYING past? That appears to be how we were meant to take it. (I couldn't figure out what "people with a terrorizing past" meant -- it sounded like you meant people who DID the terrorizing, not the ones who WERE terrorized themselves.)
Interesting thread after the confusing title!
Yeah thread title was an afterthought
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