Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I didn't think this fit into relationship, but maybe it isn't entire "non-relationship" either because there are some potential elements of "relationship" in it too.
I dated a person, who we'll call N, 1-2 years ago or so. We enjoyed a video game together and were a bit physical. He wasn't very communicative after that one time.
N reached out to me again a few months or so ago. We had a little fun, but I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious with him, but we've kept in touch.
N had undergone surgery recently. It fixed his sleep issues, he had face reconstruction, and now he has lost weight and feels better about himself.
He has wires in his teeth and those will be out in several weeks or so.
1.5 months or so after his surgery, N asked me to help him move his stuff from his apartment to his condo very recently. I did.
He works as a reputable job So, it's not like he's poor. And he has bought property too.
He hasn't offered to take me out or anything of the sort after helping him move.
After all this, I had decided to offer him access to a special event if I win the tickets said event.
Later on, I purposely double booked unconsciously and asked an acquaintance, who we'll call W, to join me for the same event. He said he could make it.
So, now I am in a social dilemma. W is less dependable because I don't know him outside of the team, and he has a boyfriend which could be a factor, I had a conversation with him about how hard it was for both of us to get included in groups within the same space.
N is likely to show up to said event as he is reliable with schedule, but I feel he is less likely to be considerate to me as a person.
I could tell N that I couldn't get a guest ticket for him if I win the tickets, or I could be honest to N beforehand.
If I'm honest to N about why I did what I did, it is very likely I lose this "friendship".
If I play it cool, he could make for a good acquaintance. But I'm not sure if this is a good connection for me to keep, or at least not in this manner.
In my mind, I knew that I was double booking the same event for two different people, and knew that there was only 1 guest. I wasn't trying to do this to be malicious. I was hurting because N purposely seemed to snuff me when I helped him move his belongings from one place to another for several hours. N didn't seem to appreciate the help and I was essentially a 'slave' to him.
I asked N about the event if I won the guest ticket and he accepted.
After N accepted, then I asked W about the event if I won the guest ticket and he accepted as well afterward.
In my mind, I knew that I was double booking the same event for two different people, and knew that there was only 1 guest. I wasn't trying to do this to be malicious. I was hurting because N purposely seemed to snuff me when I helped him move his belongings from one place to another for several hours. N didn't seem to appreciate the help and I was essentially a 'slave' to him.
I asked N about the event if I won the guest ticket and he accepted.
After N accepted, then I asked W about the event if I won the guest ticket and he accepted as well afterward.
I'm sure you'll find this reply harsher than you hoped, but it's an honest reaction to your OP.
You were wrong to double book. It was deliberate as well as malicious in a trivial sort of way. Forget "unconsciously". That's a feeble attempt to excuse what you did. No dice. So, you feel slighted and want to get back at N. The opportunity is burning a hole in your pocket. You are waiting to spring your little manipulation on him at just the right moment. It's the moment you get to tell him he can't go to this event with you after all because someone "better" is.
It's childish.
Speaking of hurt, I hope your conscience is smarting. You may be able to weasel safely out of your "dilemma" if you don't win a ticket, and N may never know what was about to happen or why. Maybe karma will intervene.
While we're on the subject of honesty, if you really were hurt by his apparent lack of appreciation, you should have said something. If you were honest about it, that would give him the opportunity to apologize and try to make it up to you. However, that horse may have already left the barn.
Last edited by Parnassia; 07-12-2022 at 04:00 PM..
I'm sure you'll find this reply harsher than you hoped, but it's an honest reaction to your OP.
You were wrong to double book. It was deliberate as well as malicious in a trivial sort of way. Forget "unconsciously". That's a feeble attempt to excuse what you did. No dice. So, you feel slighted and want to get back at N. The opportunity is burning a hole in your pocket. You are waiting to spring your little manipulation on him at just the right moment. It's the moment you get to tell him he can't go to this event with you after all because someone "better" is.
It's childish.
Speaking of hurt, I hope your conscience is smarting. You may be able to weasel safely out of your "dilemma" if you don't win a ticket, and N may never know what was about to happen or why. Maybe karma will intervene.
While we're on the subject of honesty, if you really were hurt by his apparent lack of appreciation, you should have said something. If you were honest about it, that would give him the opportunity to apologize and try to make it up to you. However, that horse may have already left the barn.
Fair. I can still make it right as the tickets haven't been decided yet.
I have asked a few friends and they are suggesting I minimize conflict by saying something.
I can either be totally blunt, or I can more gently ask if I "can ask another friend I want to get to know more. Is it okay to offer him the ticket instead?" If he said "no" to that, then I would have to tell him the truth anyway. It wouldn't sound good to for him to say "no" to that.
One could argue that "N" has "received karma" by my reaction in this situation. . . You're right, that it is childish of me. I'm not sure if it's really "fair" to say this is a "karma" kind of situation either per se. It's a mess, no doubt.
'N' doesn't seem like any great catch. If it were me, I'd just write him off right now. Tell him you didn't win the ticket, too bad so sad. End of story.
IF you happen to win the ticket, take your friend 'W' and have a good time.
IMO, no reason to feel guilty about a darn thing.
But I'm wondering if I'm completely understanding the situation.
'N' doesn't seem like any great catch. If it were me, I'd just write him off right now. Tell him you didn't win the ticket, too bad so sad. End of story.
IF you happen to win the ticket, take your friend 'W' and have a good time.
IMO, no reason to feel guilty about a darn thing.
But I'm wondering if I'm completely understanding the situation.
Basically, his financial stability and attractiveness has increased. His attitude maybe has not despite the positive changes in his life from the surgery due to abnormal body issues that were extremely affecting his sleep, how he thought, and his weight.
SnazzyB, you aren't entirely wrong. I would add the caveat that there is my own moral compass I must consider in this situation.
I guess in terms of "karma", what could happen is that W flakes out on me at the last minute, which is entirely possible and would overly disrupt the idea that I want to offer the guest ticket that I could win to someone that I could consider as a friend or more.
Last edited by chessimprov; 07-13-2022 at 10:40 AM..
Reason: karma
In my mind, I knew that I was double booking the same event for two different people, and knew that there was only 1 guest. I wasn't trying to do this to be malicious. I was hurting because N purposely seemed to snuff me when I helped him move his belongings from one place to another for several hours. N didn't seem to appreciate the help and I was essentially a 'slave' to him.
I asked N about the event if I won the guest ticket and he accepted.
After N accepted, then I asked W about the event if I won the guest ticket and he accepted as well afterward.
Is there any potential of sex involved with any of them? Or both?
Is there any other reasons you are stringing those people along?
You may need to look for yet another person to go to that “event”.
Wonder what type of event?
You are playing games- why?
If you are interested in N, but he does not even show his appreciation for your help and made you feel like a slave - why are you trying to win some time with him to go to the “event”?
Maybe N doesn’t care for you or “an event” but felt obligated to say “yes” to you as you helped him move?
Maybe N thinks of this as his reciprocal “assistance” to you as you didn’t have anyone else to invite?
In short: find friends. Those 2 are acquaintances, not friends
Last edited by L00k4ward; 07-13-2022 at 10:56 AM..
Is there any potential of sex involved with any of them? Or both?
Is there any other reasons you are stringing those people along?
Only with N. The other is dating and basically committed to that person to my knowledge.
I made a slight connection to W through conversation in experiences that happened to both of us that we could both relate to. We are on the same team in an activity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L00k4ward
You may need to look for yet another person to go to that “event”.
Wonder what type of event?
Non-traditional event. Don't wish to go into detail. It's legal, but it's a private event.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L00k4ward
You are playing games- why?
I was hurt by N's "response" of helping N move after his request was completed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L00k4ward
If you are interested in N, but he does not even show his appreciation for your help and made you feel like a slave - why are you trying to win some time with him to go to the “event”?
In my mind at that moment, my mind said it might be a good way to develop a friendship at minimum, and I preferred to fill the potential extra invite up rather than leave it void. I know now that this is not the way to go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L00k4ward
Maybe N doesn’t care for you or “an event” but felt obligated to say “yes” to you as you helped him move?
Maybe N thinks of this as his reciprocal “assistance” to you as you didn’t have anyone else to invite?
Both of these could be true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L00k4ward
In short: find friends. Those 2 are acquaintances, not friends
I definitely tried to ask all my friends first. One took way too long to get back to me and didn't understand the logistics. Maybe I would've been better asking no one outside the friend circle sadly, but what is done is done now.
Personally, I don't feel like you did anything wrong. Neither one of them is going to know if you got the extra ticket, or not, so neither one of them is going to get their hopes up TOO high, just to have them dashed later. Heck, from what I can tell, YOU don't even know for sure if there will actually be an extra ticket.
If the extra ticket becomes available, then ask the one you want. But 'N' seems...not really emotionally available.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
