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I've been divorced for 16 years. I'm lucky in that my kids are now 22 and 25 so I don't have much contact with the ex anymore. He cheated on me, I tossed him out and I thought that was the end of the story.
Recently I've been having very vivid dreams where my kids are small again and my ex is in the picture. The consistent recurring theme is that I have done something to disappoint him...usually failed to complete home renovations, failed to clean the house, failed to meet some other expectation. The list of things i did that he disapproved of in real life was long. He was stern, unforgiving, humorless and unkind. My appearance, my weight (I was a size 12 when we divorced and that was too much for him), my daily routines, you name it, he criticized it. My daughters have reported that he still sometimes makes fun of my old beat up and messy car, my small shabby house, etc. I"m okay with the choices I've made and my lifestyle...it isn't extravagant but my house is paid in full.
The dreams happen multiple times a week! What can I do to get him out of my head? This constant disapproval is getting me down as if it were happening again in real life (I'm enjoying the parts of the dreams where my kids are small again).
I did bring it up in group therapy, and the therapist said to write a script of what I would say to ex in the dream if I could before I sleep. She said eventually I would be able to tell him. I'm dubious. But I found "Back the h*** off" to be a pretty easy script to write.
Last edited by Stagemomma; 03-02-2023 at 11:45 AM..
It's possible that now that your kids are adults you have the mental time for all of this to come back. I think the issue is that it was always there, you just buried it under other stuff.
I hate to just jump to this but have you considered some sort of talk therapy to get it all out? In the dreams your kids are small again...you are probably grieving that you were not able to fully enjoy that wonderful time because of your bad marriage.
I have had a lot of weird stuff happen as my kids have begun to grow up. Lots of regrets. The tiniest things. I should have this, I should have that. It's like you suddenly realize they'll never be little again and could you have somehow done better? Often, the answer to that is no. We did our best and we loved our kids to pieces and still do. We were patient when others would have yelled, we were involved when others would have said they were too tired, we went to every award ceremony, every everything barring some extraordinary circumstance...yet once it's over we think back and just criticize ourselves to death.
You have a lot to unpack and I just think someone might be able to help you do that. In the old days it was "empty nest syndrome" (although that was more based on not having other things to do after the kids left...not so much nowadays with most of us working) but the principle is the same. All of a sudden, you're in a whole different phase of life because everything WAS your kids, period, everything you did revolved around them and their schedule and their needs. Now they're older and you have the time to breathe, but you have regrets; you have sadness about things that may not have even been in your control.
I've been divorced for 16 years. I'm lucky in that my kids are now 22 and 25 so I don't have much contact with the ex anymore. He cheated on me, I tossed him out and I thought that was the end of the story.
Recently I've been having very vivid dreams where my kids are small again and my ex is in the picture. The consistent recurring theme is that I have done something to disappoint him...usually failed to complete home renovations, failed to clean the house, failed to meet some other expectation. The list of things i did that he disapproved of in real life was long. He was stern, unforgiving, humorless and unkind. My appearance, my weight (I was a size 12 when we divorced and that was too much for him), my daily routines, you name it, he criticized it. My daughters have reported that he still sometimes makes fun of my old beat up and messy car, my small shabby house, etc. I"m okay with the choices I've made and my lifestyle...it isn't extravagant but my house is paid in full.
The dreams happen multiple times a week! What can I do to get him out of my head? This constant disapproval is getting me down as if it were happening again in real life (I'm enjoying the parts of the dreams where my kids are small again).
Have you ever sat down and written out (or typed out) your dream? Putting as much detail as you can recall, and write down how it made you feel, etc? Write down what whatever common threads weave through your dreams, etc.
I've been divorced for 16 years. I'm lucky in that my kids are now 22 and 25 so I don't have much contact with the ex anymore. He cheated on me, I tossed him out and I thought that was the end of the story.
Recently I've been having very vivid dreams where my kids are small again and my ex is in the picture. The consistent recurring theme is that I have done something to disappoint him...usually failed to complete home renovations, failed to clean the house, failed to meet some other expectation. The list of things i did that he disapproved of in real life was long. He was stern, unforgiving, humorless and unkind. My appearance, my weight (I was a size 12 when we divorced and that was too much for him), my daily routines, you name it, he criticized it. My daughters have reported that he still sometimes makes fun of my old beat up and messy car, my small shabby house, etc. I"m okay with the choices I've made and my lifestyle...it isn't extravagant but my house is paid in full.
The dreams happen multiple times a week! What can I do to get him out of my head? This constant disapproval is getting me down as if it were happening again in real life (I'm enjoying the parts of the dreams where my kids are small again).
It's possible that now that your kids are adults you have the mental time for all of this to come back. I think the issue is that it was always there, you just buried it under other stuff.
I hate to just jump to this but have you considered some sort of talk therapy to get it all out? In the dreams your kids are small again...you are probably grieving that you were not able to fully enjoy that wonderful time because of your bad marriage.
I have had a lot of weird stuff happen as my kids have begun to grow up. Lots of regrets. The tiniest things. I should have this, I should have that. It's like you suddenly realize they'll never be little again and could you have somehow done better? Often, the answer to that is no. We did our best and we loved our kids to pieces and still do. We were patient when others would have yelled, we were involved when others would have said they were too tired, we went to every award ceremony, every everything barring some extraordinary circumstance...yet once it's over we think back and just criticize ourselves to death.
You have a lot to unpack and I just think someone might be able to help you do that. In the old days it was "empty nest syndrome" (although that was more based on not having other things to do after the kids left...not so much nowadays with most of us working) but the principle is the same. All of a sudden, you're in a whole different phase of life because everything WAS your kids, period, everything you did revolved around them and their schedule and their needs. Now they're older and you have the time to breathe, but you have regrets; you have sadness about things that may not have even been in your control.
Just my take.
I would have said the exact same thing. Very well said. Good advice and probably true. I agree with the counseling for sure.
Cast that demon out of your dreams in the name of Jesus!
LOLOL !!! Haha funneeeee !!!
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