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My thoughts also. I prefer peers and those who have experienced similar challenges in life,not some college graduate with no life experience.
That was kind of the gist of my original comment, but it didn't go over well. Everyone's situation is different. I had such horrific experiences with "therapy" that I always try to seek out alternative avenues for support, whether it's friends, clergy, group therapy, or even conversing anonymously on the internet. When real life friends seem down, or ask me for advice or help, I always tell them I'm here if they need me, anytime, anywhere. In my mind, that's what friends are for. Seems like too many people want to turn to someone who's turned it into a business, because if it they're credentialed or charge a certain price they must be better than the DIY alternatives.
A lot of professional therapy gets kicked over to another level with people getting prescribed drugs for their problems. Not a good solution.
You reached out to your friends/peers and as you said, their collective response was to seek therapy. Not sure why some insist you should just talk to your peers.
Please don’t allow anyone else’s baggage or hang-ups with therapy stop you from doing what is best for you.
You reached out to your friends/peers and as you said, their collective response was to seek therapy. Not sure why some insist you should just talk to your peers.
they probably didn't read the post I said that in.
Quote:
Please don’t allow anyone else’s baggage or hang-ups with therapy stop you from doing what is best for you.
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm tired of living this way, so I'm looking.
I've found that even though a trusted friend may not be able to provide therapeutic help per se, the attempts to put the issue into words using friend as sounding board and listening to their response/questions has helped me clarify in my own mind what might be going on as well as what may NOT be. It can help me decide what sort of professional counseling to pursue to help resolve it.
True. I'm certainly not dismissing the value of friends to use as a sounding board. I am rich in that I have some very good friends that have now been in my life longer than not. They've been by my side emotionally in these past two years of caregiving and grief beyond what I could have asked for. Perhaps it's that in some ways they are TOO close and I need an impartial party off of whom I can bounce my issues.
I'm actually thinking of contacting the therapist I saw for nearly ten years. I haven't seen him since 2009, but I hear from him every year around September 11. (I was already seeing him when we got hit.) He emails me every year, and he is still practicing.
I guess checking my own healthcare site to see if he is still under contract with them would be a good idea.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katnan
You reached out to your friends/peers and as you said, their collective response was to seek therapy. Not sure why some insist you should just talk to your peers.
Please don’t allow anyone else’s baggage or hang-ups with therapy stop you from doing what is best for you.
I second this. I had a good friend, who unfortunately died too young of a brain aneurysm, who was molested by a family friend when she was a child. I think I may be the one who knows about it. Her husband didn't know, she wouldn't tell her parents because they were still friends with the man, but you could see how it affected her life. She was constantly having affairs, and when her own daughter reached the age she was when she was molested, she started stuffing her with food. The girl became fat, and it was obvious to me that my friend was subconsciously putting a cushion around her kid to protect her.
Anyway, over time, I encouraged her to get help, and she would start with a therapist, and then a few sessions in she would find some reason why she couldn't continue. She became distrustful of all therapists, but again, obvious to ME, when they started peeling back the layers of the onion, the pain was too much for her to face and she turned tail and ran.
I remember coming to understand in therapy that there was no going around or under or over it. You have to go straight through it, feel the pain, feel the anger, feel the sorrow, and only then will you begin to heal.
My sister’s Alzheimer’s/vascular dementia have gotten to the place where she no longer can walk. She also doesn’t know that she can’t walk and she’s in extreme fall risk. She is now in care. Thank God she’s safe. But because she doesn’t have the ability to know that she can’t walk anymore she still tries, falls, and last time she broke her hip. And sometimes she knows she broke something, she says it’s her neck, her back, her foot, her leg… sigh
I have friends that I vent to. Essentially, it makes sense to be able to do that because I can’t vent to her children. The idea is I’m supposed to be there for them to help them, and to help my sister. I’m not saying that I don’t express emotion, lots of tears lots of hugs. But if I need to let off steam, I call my friend. Support in, dump out.
I am in a state of anticipatory grief. Have been for a while. I figured out what it was in January. My sister appears to be getting worse quickly. It feels as if I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop. I’m not comfortable with that. Very difficult feeling.
My doctors office has said that I am not in depression, I agree, I am in grief. Thank God for my friends and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law went through this very same thing with her husband.
I think I am becoming more self-aware to where I think I will know when I need a professional. As it stands now, a few things have happened that give me a lot of hope. First off my blood pressure went down. I mean it wasn’t high to begin with but it was in the 130-ish range and now it’s like 125. So it’s never not been unhealthy. Second of all I’ve gotten back into genealogy after a few years of not, and it’s always something that pulls me back in.
In this case it was a quilting shop hop that I was doing with my niece in law’s mother. And we went to a small town where a lot of my family is from and where her family was from and we discovered that we’re cousins. So then I had to figure that out. And we had so much fun. Anyway I’m still not sewing like I should be, but that’s gonna be changing because I’ll be downstairs while they do the remodel on the house. Upstairs.
I’m spending way too much time on my phone which is totally non-productive, but Fridays I am trying to get out of the house, and head out to explore some old cemeteries and take pictures for find a grave. I don’t have a lot of luck, but I’m out doing something I love. It takes me out of my negative headspace.
Long story short here, friends matter a lot. But if you have an inkling that you need somebody who can give you some direction, find somebody. Several of my friends are wonderful people, but they’re up to their eyeballs and messes with their families too, and they can commiserate But they can’t give me answers or help me figure out answers, cause they don’t have them. In fact they usually come to me for that…
^Don't want to quote your whole post, Tallysmom, but thanks for the link. The Ring Theory does make sense.
I understand anticipatory grief all too well, as a full-time caregiver for my now-deceased fiance. I have a sister who is also a full-time caregiver, although her husband in incapacitated also but not near death, so we shared our pain as well as the minutiae of day-to-day caregiving (give me the catheter bags with the metal clips, not the plastic ones!).
However, when in the midst of this another sister's husband became sick and died over a short period, she became angry with us for our complaints about the little annoyances we experienced with our partners, because after all, at least they were still alive. So the roles and "rings" can change, too.
By the way, since I was living in another country and not actually near any family or friends while my fiance was dying, I looked for some sort of counseling for the anticipatory grief and caregiving stress, but unless you are caring for someone with dementia, there's not much out there.
My sympathy to you, Tallysmom, as you walk this sad path with your sister.
I'll be the one to say it: Ring Theory is a horrible idea in general.
It ONLY has validity when someone is in a power-over situation involuntarily. When dealing with an Alzheimer's patient, yes, it works fine. In a few cases it may be appropriate for working with a child.
What ring theory is, IMO, is a codification of social interactions between women that minimizes conflict. I say women specifically, because in our culture this is where it is far more likely to manifest.
Looking at it from one direction ( the responses aimed inward)
Woman at the center having a crisis: I burned the bottom of my favorite pot!
Parents: We'll buy you another tomorrow
Children: Don't worry mommy. We still love you.
Women in her inner circle: Oh that is terrible. I feel so sorry for you!
Co-workers and acquaintances: Bummer. Can you get another?
Professional doctor or therapist: Do you really need that pot? What special significance does it hold?
Bystanders: Whatever.
Looking at the variety of responses between those in other circles:
Parents and children will roll eyes, know that to keep the family going they have to be quiet or supportive.
Inner circle may have varied responses but will defend.
Co-workers will go WTF is this about? Is she nuts?
Professional response might include a sigh, but will be the same as before
Bystanders: Whatever, get over it girl.
Now, look at how ring theory works with a narcissist or addict or psychopath as that person in crisis. Behavior is excused or even reinforced, except by the professionals. Reality is softened in ways that encourage aberrant behaviors. At the same time, a dichotomy is formed in just about every circle, where supportive goop is shoveled towards the person "in crisis" while inner attitudes are becoming less and less supportive. The stress of one individual has now started to infect stress on all those around them.
When I was moderating the grief forum, I had to push back when it became apparent that a member was wallowing in grief and using it as a manipulative tool rather than doing work to go through the process. I've watched the "rally round" in other areas of life where that "support" suddenly was withdrawn due to some new revelations, leaving the person in crisis in a far worse situation.
The homily "honesty is the best policy" isn't always accurate, but "honesty with compassion is the best policy" generally works.
Ring theory may be an explanation of some behaviors. As a simplistic and flawed model doing this, it has some minor value. As a guide to enlightened behavior, it fails miserably.
Interesting theory. Haven't thought about it in those terms although I have often thought about getting stuck in the problem.
What I hear in the posts from Tallysmom and MQ are statements of women with experience who have developed self-awareness. That's a gift that can come from having a therapist you trust and with whom you've had a long-term connection.
There might be long periods in your life when you don't need them but it's really a valuable thing today when newcomers to therapy may have to wait as long as six months for an appointment or accept the help of those less experienced or who don't know you. That six months thing makes me shudder.
I never underestimate the value of needing to talk about the problem. Sometimes it's talk, and talk and talk until somebody finally says, "So what are you going to do about it?" But I think many people just have to get that all out first. The question to me as a support person is when and where do you draw the line? I know it's not when I am tired of hearing about it.
People who are lucky enough to be connected to those who can help discover a direction and not get stuck in the muck are fortunate.
Support groups for people who share your issues are a great place to talk about the problem and I think that's a part of their healing power. You can find empathy, understanding, acceptance and learn to affirm your reality. All those things can move a person toward action.
That was kind of the gist of my original comment, but it didn't go over well. Everyone's situation is different. I had such horrific experiences with "therapy" that I always try to seek out alternative avenues for support, whether it's friends, clergy, group therapy, or even conversing anonymously on the internet. When real life friends seem down, or ask me for advice or help, I always tell them I'm here if they need me, anytime, anywhere. In my mind, that's what friends are for. Seems like too many people want to turn to someone who's turned it into a business, because if it they're credentialed or charge a certain price they must be better than the DIY alternatives.
A lot of professional therapy gets kicked over to another level with people getting prescribed drugs for their problems. Not a good solution.
When I find a therapist I'm going to tell them I don't want to be on drugs. I don't think it's necessary either play baby position I'm in.
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Solly says — Be nice!
