Confused/depressed after losing house--Logic versus Heart (negotiations, investment, inspector)

[ThanksABunch]

Excuse the length of this. I had quite a roller coaster experience recently with my first "almost" home purchase. I'm a single mom after losing my hubby about five years ago..so this has been an exciting but daunting venture to do on my own. But I've been very excited about it .

So, after months of looking, found a 1930s house in an area just outside of Portland, Or. The area is getting hot and beggars can't be choosers..and you can't afford to be too picky, etc, etc. (These thoughts have been going through my head!)

Truth is, I never loved this house in person or even liked it, frankly. I never got that "lift" or sense of "yes..this feels good" feeling when I walked in the door. I had experienced that feeling in other houses but had passed on them because I had not settled on an area or school..but was trying to feel it out. So, I figure out my target area and find this house pretty quickly. Ironically, this house was one of the few I actually felt really blah about compared to all the others. I won't go down the list of why I didn't like it but I honestly could not find one room in the house where I could honestly say "at least this room feels good". I actually read that you should be able to find at least six things you like about a house..but for me, it was only one: hardwood floors. Of course, that bad feeling concerned me. The "feel" of the house was awful. Terrible layout with serious tiny room and stair issues that would take lots of $$ to change down the road. My 6'1 son has huge feet twice the size of the stairs! Dark rooms. No way to eat in kitchen with no counter space or room to add any or change any of it really it due to wall layout....yada yada. Really hate houses that old. There are too many other space issues to list. But house had good bones and wouldn't need much money put into it for major stuff.

The ONLY reason I put in an offer was because the lot was large, private, and was close to a good school. The outside of the house was what sold me. Those were valuable things to me. My offer was accepted and I trudged forward with inspections. One big concern was when we ran the forced air heat, a horrible cat urine odor filled the lower level of the house. Inspector discovered it was coming from the crawl space and recommended we have the sellers pay for an encapsulation to get rid of the odor. (My realtor and I had to leave the house, it was so awful. Yuck!)

So, at this point my financing was in place. My payment was perfect. Everything looked good. We have our list of items for seller to fix...and a 72-hour deadline. During those three days, I tried so hard to get excited..but all I felt was a feeling of being frozen. I literally felt like I couldn't move at times and was constantly on the verge of tears. Could not eat or sleep. I knew I wanted to buy a house but really not sure it was should be THIS house. My payments were actually going to be lower than my rent and I really don't believe it was fear of buying because I knew I could sell it easily in a year if things didn't work. I just remembered how friends would tell me how excited they were to move into their first house. Why wasn't I? In fact, every time I saw a photo of the house on my inspection book, I got a sharp pain in my stomach. How could I say yes feeling this way? I prayed for clarity. Maybe I'd feel better when it was all wrapped up?

About two hours before the deadline, the sellers came back and said they would pay for everything and give us $3k to deal with the cat pee. My realtor presented this to me but something felt wrong about that 3K number. Did some research and found out the encapsulation would be twice that amount and possibly considerably more, depending on the situation. We asked for more time to investigate but they said no and the deal died. I felt an enormous relief to a point where I felt almost giddy. I was not expecting to feel that way at all. So, I went on with my weekend and took a much needed break from the drama. During that time, my kids told me they were sad about losing that house. They loved the big yard and the house itself. I had no idea they felt that way. But there was nothing I could do anyway at that point. But my daughter, especially (age 7), had dreamed about a big yard and an upstairs room..and I almost had that for her! I felt terrible.

24 hours later, the sellers have a change of heart and would like to fix the cat pee issue after all but wanted to get estimates. What!!? Here we go again. This time though, I recalled my kids wishes and how they felt. I thought maybe I should just do it so I could get into a decent house for them, in a good area, payments good, etc. Everything was going to be taken care of my seller, it sounded like. It sounded perfect really. But I could not get past that horrible gut-wrenching feeling about that house..even though I had no logical reason to feel that way. I had 24 hours to respond and I was exhausted about the entire thing and just let it go. I just recall feeling numb and worn out mentally. I kept trying to visualize things I could do to make the house work (fresh paint, new counters, etc)..but it was like trying to fit a circle in a square. I couldn't make it work.

Now a week later, I am depressed and confused and feeling like perhaps I made a mistake. I don't see much else out there with the same size lot and privacy I was seeking. Not that I cannot find that down the road but that was so important to me and yet I let it go because the house didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy. I've loved every rental I've lived in and knew when I walked it, it was right. So, I figured when I bought my first home, that part would be a given and even more important. I would love the house and want it. But in this hot market, does it make sense to wait for that feeling? My friends are telling me I was right to pass it up since I didn't like it. But the "logical" side says I was stupid to let it go, due to a good investment, large yard, etc, etc.

I could also hear my wonderful and very practical late father's voice in my ear:
"Your payments are low."
"Taxes are low."
"Bones of house are good."
"Be smart."
"Be practical."
"Make it work for the kids."
"It's a good school."

All I could think about was this bad feeling in my gut that I was not used to ignoring in past homes. I recalled how much I loved houses I had looked at but passed on for other reasons. In one case, I loved a house so much that I almost decided to do it even tough it on a very sketchy street.

I felt like I was letting my kids down and had a chance to give them a wonderful home that I just happened to not like. I felt like I was being selfish. Perhaps I'm expecting too much and I'm being too picky?

My friends are telling me I should love the house...imperfections and all. That if I had loved the house, I would have been more willing to fight for it. One friend said they fought tooth and nail to save the deal on her house and had to burrow 10K from a friends, etc. And yet I'm willing to let it go due to cat pee.

Were they right?? I have lost motivation to even search now. I feel like I'm back to square one and not sure I can go through this again. I get that no house is perfect and I'm okay with that but shouldn't it at least feel right?

[teachbeach]

It sounds as though the fear of jumping all in is clouding much of your very rational thinking. In the long run it's you....you....that has to be happy. Owning a home is a huge commitment of money and time. I think if you were having all of these negative feelings, that this probably wasn't the right house or the right time to buy and that your instincts were really kicking in. Keep looking, write down what you're really looking for and won't budge on and write down what is negotiable, perhaps it will give you clarity to continue looking.

Good Luck!

[beb0p]

If it doesn't feel right, that's a big tell. You don't need to pay that much money for something that you'll end up regretting.

Sooner or later, you'll find one you like.
.

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

We let a house deal fall through once when the inspector found water coming into the basement that the owners had tried to cover up. We wanted an engineer and licensed contractor. They said they'd keep trying to fix it themselves.

Three weeks later we walked into the house that felt like home. We lived there for years. So glad we waited for the right one.

[oneslip]

I truly think a home purchase is much more emotional than rational. I have looked at quite a few houses and the ones that give me that feeling this is the one are the ones I go for. The lukewarm ones are a tell tale that the house is not for me. Keep looking the right one will come along.

[2bindenver]

You will never find a home you love if you don't look for it. There is a better home for you out there. You just have to believe in yourself. It's not hard. Your kids believe in you.

[Silverfall]

I think you made the right choice to walk away. I've seen people try to force the square peg in the round hole and it just doesn't work. It has always worked out that something better came along for my clients. It is early in the real estate season in Oregon. Lots of homes will still be coming on the market so hang in there.

[NOLA2SGF]

I think you made the right choice to walk away, too. That WASN'T the house for you!! Soon you will find your dream house, a nicer house with the big yard and upstairs room for your little girl, and near a good school, and you will be so thankful that you didn't get this one. I know that right now you are probably feeling pretty down, but you will find the right house in time. I found my dream home after losing a different house during offer/counteroffer negotiations. Just keep looking, or else take a short break if you need to and then start looking again. You'll find it!

[MikeBear]

Those inside feelings were telling you something. You barely escaped from what very well could have been the worst mistake of your life.


"Dream Homes" are all over the place, and there's ALWAYS another one just around the corner, perhaps even a far better fit for you. Keep looking, and you will find it. There's no hurry, and don't let anybody push you into making the wrong decision on this too soon.


Do NOT mentally "move into" any house after the first showing, that's just looking for guaranteed heartbreak.

[Disgustedman]

I passed on a $64K house purchase (One bedroom/livingroom/kitchen) and the realtor was honked. Three months later the new owners had the septic croak and due to rules in place, they HAD to hook up to city sewer....$25K...Thank but NO THANKS!!!