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From what I've seen of his family, his mother and grandmother are controlling but are in no way strong independent women by any stretch of the imagination. The grandmother never got her drivers license-her husband dictates where and when they go somewhere everyday. His mother while she has a Doctorate in Psychology and owns her own practice, she didn't get her drivers license until she was in her late 20's and even today has her husband and her sons drive her everywhere. She refuses to drive on highways, will not go to a shopping mall the DMV or emissions without a man present. His mother still has her green card and never got the right to vote because her father believed women shouldn't have a political voice-their place is in the kitchen...
Sounds like perpetuate dependency on a man to me...nothing about that screams "strong, powerful, woman".
the whole driving thing is not that uncommon, and I'd go as far as to say it is not result of being Italian but of that era.
This is not representative of any Italian family (not having a political voice - wtf?)
the more I hear about this family they just seem strange all-round.
Quote:
Originally Posted by findinghope
Sorry kids,i am with BUBU on this one
she is absolutely right in so many ways.
first, if you are supposedly in love with this man, you would be in love with everything about him, including the way he is with his family. she is also right about the mother not liking you. you may be a wonderful person, but you are not right for her son. if you were, she WOULD be treating you much differently.
this post about these 2 women not being strong and independant proves that you dont understand our culture. ALSO this complete BS about not voting??? HA!!! my great grandmother was voting in Italy way before women were ever allowed to vote in America. Women in Italy have ALWAYS kept their last name--something quite new in this country as well.
Italian families, while they have very strong fathers, are very matriarical.
everyone knows that if mamma is happy, everyone is happy.
Italian women know that the man wears the pants, but the woman knows how to turn his head.
it is the way it is.
and i am not trying to put you down as a person in any way, shape or form. but this relationship is not right. in the end there will be a lot of heart ache.
it sounds like you need someone much more Americanized. you need to be in a different kind of family that doesnt spend as much time together and is very independant.
see i have a brother who of course grew up in a very Italian family, my mom and grandmothers all very strong willed forceful women etc.
since he was very young, he has tried in every way to cut loose from the family, has done things in his own way.
with constant pulling and pushing, my mother has finally "let him go"--sort of, as best as she could and you know what??
my brother is just like every other Italian man i know here in the US as well as in Italy---he is all about this family and all about sticking together. he can pull away all he wants, and he is the first to get us all in the same room, same vacation, same dinner out.
and he also has a sister to contend with when it comes to his girlfreinds. whomever he marries will be a part of us forever-ESPECIALLY if they have kids. he knows my feelings on the matter--so he better choose wisely or we will all suffer.
being all about family is one thing.
stopping your child from making their own life choices, and becoming a man are another.
I doubt the problem is HIM spending time with his family. It seems the problem is he is not ALLOWED to spend time with her when he wants.
these kind of rules are okay for a teenager - not someone who might be looking for a life partner.
the whole driving thing is not that uncommon, and I'd go as far as to say it is not result of being Italian but of that era.
This is not representative of any Italian family (not having a political voice - wtf?)
the more I hear about this family they just seem strange all-round.
being all about family is one thing.
stopping your child from making their own life choices, and becoming a man are another.
I doubt the problem is HIM spending time with his family. It seems the problem is he is not ALLOWED to spend time with her when he wants.
these kind of rules are okay for a teenager - not someone who might be looking for a life partner.
what Italian mother doesnt give her son everything he wants? what Italian mother do you know doesnt treat him like a little prince?
mammas are all the same...and if the future daughter in law was the right girl, you know mamma would be all over that woman. after all it is her little prince's pick.
these kinds of families--not limited to Italians--are overbearing and over loving. they will do everything possible for the happiness of their child. they just know that this will not end up in happiness.
From what I've seen of his family, his mother and grandmother are controlling but are in no way strong independent women by any stretch of the imagination. The grandmother never got her drivers license-her husband dictates where and when they go somewhere everyday. His mother while she has a Doctorate in Psychology and owns her own practice, she didn't get her drivers license until she was in her late 20's and even today has her husband and her sons drive her everywhere. She refuses to drive on highways, will not go to a shopping mall the DMV or emissions without a man present. His mother still has her green card and never got the right to vote because her father believed women shouldn't have a political voice-their place is in the kitchen...
Sounds like perpetuate dependency on a man to me...nothing about that screams "strong, powerful, woman".
But... his mom has her menfolk chauffeuring her around. And they put up with her refusal to drive... so I'd say that she was well in control of the overall situation. None of them have told her to driver herself around... right?
And you haven't said what your boyfriend is studying in school.
And I'm curious as to why you chose the screen name "ebonikz1". By any chance are you black?
what Italian mother doesnt give her son everything he wants? what Italian mother do you know doesnt treat him like a little prince?
mammas are all the same...and if the future daughter in law was the right girl, you know mamma would be all over that woman. after all it is her little prince's pick.
these kinds of families--not limited to Italians--are overbearing and over loving. they will do everything possible for the happiness of their child. they just know that this will not end up in happiness.
well I have stated that I am from an Italian family. Both my parents were born there. Yes, my mum does everything for my brothers. I laughed when he was sick she got in the car and brought him soup & medicine - whilst his wife was sitting at home too. She doesn't particularly like her daughter-in-law.
He's studying sociology in school and no I'm not black. (Ebonikz is an inside joke between friends because I'm a writer (was an english major in school) and I constantly correct peoples word-usage grammar etc)
I grew up in an independent type of family, and my husband grew up in a family where the family is very involved in the daily lives of each other. It is not easy at all.
Based on what you are saying and what I have gone through in my marriage, my guess is that there will always be something going on with your boyfriend and his family that will effect his actions. In my case, it ends up being pressure on me too, especially since we are currently in unemployment situations and he sometimes accepts financial help from them.
Some examples of things that happen in my situation:
-We moved from the house next door to his mother, to two houses away from his mother. I have accepted that this is probably as far away as we will get as a married couple.
-They invited my husband, our kids, and me to go on vacation with them. I was not comfortable with this and wanted to stay home while my husband and kids went away with them. My husband was afraid they'd be offended so he talked me into coming for most of the vacation (I also did not want to be away from my kids too long).
-While on vacation, one of his family members (aunt) got furious with me because she was making my son a sandwich and I said that my son could do it himself (he's 11 and I thought she'd be mad at doing all the work). She called me names, stormed over to my husband and complained about me, and then she ignored me until the next day.
-During the vacation, his aunt tried to get me to commit to when I was leaving so that other people in their family could come stay with them (she knew that I planned on leaving early and we were not staying that far away from home). I ended up leaving a few days early and realized that his family would not have been offended if I did not go away with them, that was just my husband assuming.
-My husband gets worried that we will offend his family if I invite my mother over on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving, and do not invite his family. However, my mother lives over an hour away and she only has me and my brother (who is usually with his in laws). My husband has 6 siblings, aunts, spouses, and most live in our town, so it is a huge undertaking to have them all over, and he always sees his mother on all holidays even if we do not specifically invite her (we also have XMas here with his whole family and just my mother, I can not invite my extended family due to the size of his immediate familiy).
Hope this gives you some idea of what it could be like if you marry him (and my husban'd family is not Italian, however, his mother and aunt were not born in this country).
My advice would be to decide what to do based on what it is like with him, not what you think it could be like. Also, avoid letting them pay for things and try to get him to avoid letting them pay for things. Also, now that I think about it, if you do keep going with him, I'd try to make sure that he is not content letting them pay for thing (this might be a big one actually!).
Good luck!
Last edited by Reneeme; 08-04-2010 at 09:31 PM..
Reason: error
Since he is so strongly Italian, then maybe it would be best if you either opt out, or opt in , in the biggest fashion possible. Go to his family reunions, go visit his mother, respect her, help out, show her you can cook, show her you want to be a part of her family, instead of being an outsider. Don't try to come between mother and son. Try to get along with his family. Just do the opposite of what you have been doing, and it should work out to where they might start seeing you in a new light. If none of this works, you are never going to be accepted, and better to just walk away. The differences are too great.
...even today has her husband and her sons drive her everywhere. Sounds like perpetuate dependency on a man to me...nothing about that screams "strong, powerful, woman".
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu
But... his mom has her menfolk chauffeuring her around. And they put up with her refusal to drive... so I'd say that she was well in control of the overall situation. None of them have told her to driver herself around... right?
THIS!^^ How obviously in control do you need to see things before you see the control? My MIL was the same.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ebonikz1
... and I constantly correct peoples word-usage grammar etc)
You left out the apostrophe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by punky86
I'd suggest getting out before she takes over your life like she did his
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when it comes to his girlfreinds. whomever he marries will be a part of us forever-ESPECIALLY if they have kids. he knows my feelings on the matter--so he better choose wisely or we will all suffer.
