Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have had what I would consider a good marriage, not great but good. We have had our ups and downs like most marriages. I have always loved and respected my husband for all that he does for us, for being a father figure to my sons and for just being him. I feel everyhting has changed in the coarse of a day.
This week we became overdrawn in our checking account. I wasn't checking at didnt transfer the necessary funds from savings in to checking to cover some checks. Well we got hit with 93.00 of overdrafts. Transferred the money and fixed the situation with out my husband knowing. On Saturday I was bathing when he comes into the BR to tell me he opened up the mail and we got hit with OD's. He was pist off. I knew that if/when he found out he would be mad but I never thought it would be this bad. About an hour latter he told me that he couldn't handle it anymore and wanted out of the marriage. For me to stay with the house and he was leaving. That he never felt like killing himself before and that I have made him feel this way. I didn't respond and just left it at that. He came into the bedroom and took something to sleep. At about 1 am I came into the room, read a little bit and fell asleep.
Fast forward today.
We didnt speak to each other all morning. He still looked really pist and I really didnt have anything to say. Yea, I messed up and forgot to transfer funds. At about 12:30 I saw that he looked really torn apart he was in the yard and I went over to him to try to hug him. This is the man I love but I will not beg him to stay if this is how he trully feels than we each have to go ur seperate ways. He blew up again. Told me not to touch him and he wanted nothing to do with me. I walked away without saying a word. Oh in the morning he had been in my middle sons room and saw that he has etched lou loves gf name. Im in our room and I hear Lou get home from work and hear my husband yelling. H e was bitching ut Lou for doing this and than punches a hole in the wall. I go in the room and tell him "your mad at me and your taking out on him, if oyu want to scream at someone scram at me and dont you dare make another hole in the wall." Yes he has made other holes by punching the wall several times. He walked out of Lous room and we started arguing in the kitchen. He said so many mean things from me being lazy ( I do not currently work because Im disabled when I worked I was the main bread winner. I made three times what he makes now). I have since than fought cancer, fibromayalgia, lupus and other issues. He said so many things that trully hurt and I will NEVER forgive him for that. All of this infront of my 17 & 16 yr old. At the end he said that he was going to make all our lives miserable and was NOT leaving the house that if I wanted to the boys and I could leave.
Am I a little frieghtened; yes. He does have a temper although he has never laid a hand on me but I have seen him explode and break things in the house. Deep down I dont think he would ever physically hurt me. I also never thought he had so much resentment towards me either. This house was purchased (down payment) with my money from the sale of my old house in Chicago. My greatest fear is a confrontation with one of my boys.
How can you live with someone day in and day out and not know or have the slightest incline as to what someone else is feeling? I feel sad and trapped at the same time. All advice is welcome.
WOW! It does sound like he has a temper. Is it at all possible for you and your sons to leave asap? The last thing you must want is for him to get into it with one or both of your sons, maybe even while trying to protect you. Especially the age your sons are, someone could REALLY get hurt. If you haven't already I would definitely have a discussion with them about the situation in general to try to avoid that.
I know possession is 9/10th of the law though, so obviously if you could get him to leave the house you could at least get a protective order to keep him away. Even better if you could get him to sign a quick claim deed over to you when he is rational again. That way you have it come divorce court time, oh and of course a lawyer ASAP!
I am really sorry you are having to go through this, especially under these circumstances. I hope you are able to make a clean break so you and your sons can get on with your lives.
I hope this helps a little. I've never personally been in the situation but have witnessed many "situations" with irrational people.
Last edited by floridadreamer; 07-01-2007 at 02:07 PM..
Get a lawyer Pix, I feel so bad for you, but you have to protect what's yours. I am sure there is other stuff besides the checking account thing. He has other issues. Please protect yourself and stay in the house that is yours. I will be priying and thinking about you!!
tas
Unfortunately, it sounds like you have been ignoring things for a long time. I am sorry that you're going through with this. This is a horrible climax to an underlying issue that's been bleeding.
A few overdraft fees should not send someone over the edge like this unless they've been harboring resentment for years, they have mental issues or they are looking for a lame excuse to leave due to an affair or something else.
It also sounds like there was never a good flow of communication between you two, so you two were never good friends. You would have known what was going through his mind if you were or at least picked up on some warning signs and he could care about hurting you this way. I do realize that even if there were attempts to communicate, some partners just can't communicate period and will NOT make an effort to. That right there is a big red flag. He is blaming you for everything and putting you in a very battered position by saying you are responsible for his feelings of suicide.
He is outright abusing you and I believe he will put you through more abuse. I would recommend making plans to get a divorce. I don't see this as anything salvageable...and I just don't agree with any ideas of "trying to work things out", because there's obviously no foundation to begin with and again he's crossed the line.
You should get a lawyer immediately, look to protect yourself and your children and pay attention to his behavior for any chance of violence, either to himself or to the rest of the family...until you can part ways and get everything settled. Based on what you wrote, his behavior is absolutely unacceptable...and if you didn't realize all of the anger and hate he carried towards you and the family, you might truly know HIM and what he is actually capable of.
Looking back at your marriage, can you honestly say that your marriage has been good? Look at everything as objectively as you can and try to evaluate that, but right now you definitely need to take action.
WOW! It does sound like he has a temper. Is it at all possible for you and your sons to leave asap? The last thing you must want is for him to get into it with one or both of your sons, maybe even while trying to protect you. Especially the age your sons are, someone could REALLY get hurt. If you haven't already I would definitely have a discussion with them about the situation in general to try to avoid that.
I know possession is 9/10th of the law though, so obviously if you could get him to leave the house you could at least get a protective order to keep him away. Even better if you could get him to sign a quick claim deed over to you when he is rational again. That way you have it come divorce court time, oh and of course a lawyer ASAP!
I am really sorry you are having to go through this, especially under these circumstances. I hope you are able to make a clean break so you and your sons can get on with your lives.
I hope this helps a little. I've never personally been in the situation but have witnessed many "situations" with irrational people.
I am thinking about a restarining order and have him vacate the propery however I dont think I could do that unless he physically hurts me. I will not leave my home either. I have spoen with my 17 & 16 year old and when my 18 yr old comes home from work I will talk to him. I guess I am just shocked from all of this. I am very hurt because I trully loved him and feel that with everything that was said it killed everything inside of me.
Get a lawyer Pix, I feel so bad for you, but you have to protect what's yours. I am sure there is other stuff besides the checking account thing. He has other issues. Please protect yourself and stay in the house that is yours. I will be priying and thinking about you!!
tas
Thank you, I have no intention of leaving my home. tomorrow I will make the necessary phone calls.
Looking back at your marriage, can you honestly say that your marriage has been good? Look at everything as objectively as you can and try to evaluate that, but right now you definitely need to take action.
You have my blessings and deepest sympathy.
When I look back I do believe we have had a good marriage. He stood by me nursing me back to health after three surgeries and it always seemed as if he was doing this from the goodness of his heart and out of love for me. I believe that this has been possibly more than he could handle, that's all I can think of at this point. We have always gotten along having meaningful conversations about politics, religion, relationships .. we have been very compatible although having different perspectives. The biggest part is we have always respected eachother mutually.
I am thinking about a restarining order and have him vacate the propery however I dont think I could do that unless he physically hurts me. I will not leave my home either.
One call to a lawyer could settle that question in your mind, he may only need to have threated physical harm though?? I do wish I had gone to law school now like I intended.
My thoughts are with you and your sons, you sound very rational and I'm sure you'll get through this and be better off without him.
You two need to talk, you have a good marrige and one day he snaps, don't throw away your lives because of this, see a counsler and find out whats wrong, he is probably stressed over something. It doesn't sound like you two communicate enough. Don't just give up, try to work it out.
Wow. Lots of stuff going on here. A few thoughts right off the top of my head:
1. One does not go straight to divorce because of $93 in overdraft fees. You can be sure he has been mulling this over for some time... the OD fees were simply either a convenient excuse, or a "last straw" type of thing.
2. There can be mental illness issues here at work. Your husband is mentally and emotionally abusing you and probably has been doing so for some time, but you have not recognized it as such because he "hasn't laid a hand on you." Very often, clinical depression manifests itself as anger in men. There could be other things at work, too.... but before going to the Big D (and I don't mean Dallas), if he's open to seeing a shrink to screen for depression or some other mental illnesses, that would probably be advisable. If he won't do it, then you really need to do what's best for you.
3. You CAN get a restraining order based on emotional abuse. If you're married and breaking up, a restraining order can be had pretty much for the asking.
4. Get a lawyer.
5. I've done the marriage counseling bit... it can be helpful, but I think it works best if you catch your problems early on and if the problems are solvable with the help of a counselor. From what you're describing, I'm not so sure that's your case, because if you didn't see this explosion coming, that says a lot about communication in the marriage, and most importantly, the counseling works best if both parties WANT it to work more than they want the divorce. Sounds to me like he's thinking divorce all the way and if he has already accepted that as fate, he may not go into counseling in really good faith. He may go to make it look good for the divorce, or to make it look like he's tried to work things out, but if he's not going in good faith to avoid a divorce, it's really a waste of time and money.
5. Good luck with all of this.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Is it at all possible for you and your sons to leave asap? The last thing you must want is for him to get into it with one or both of your sons, maybe even while trying to protect you. Especially the age your sons are, someone could REALLY get hurt. If you haven't already I would definitely have a discussion with them about the situation in general to try to avoid that.
