I am going to be completely honest here so I can get the best advice possible that relates to my real situation. I met this incredible guy a little over a month ago. I am going through a divorce, might I add....I can already hear the groans...lol. But my marriage has been over for years, almost since right after we got married so I don't feel like I am too emotionally distraught to date and fall for someone who I feel is a better match for me.
With that being said, the divorce has been draining as far as removing each other from accounts and preparing for my move with my sons. But my ex and I have tried to be as cordial as possible. The divorce is mutual and we have both agreed that we don't want to be a cliche and have an "ugly" divorce, like fighting over custody, child support, etc. It's been 2 months of us working through our divorce and so far so good. We only had one fight and it was because I thought my soon-to-be ex was trying to take my sons away. But we talked about that and he said he wasn't, he was just trying to help me out. I think I was blowing things out of proportion because I keep expecting my soon-to-be ex to try to secretly attack me through the divorce but he hasn't so far.
Ok. So I went to the club with my sister to get away from my life. I just wanted to dance the night away and hang with my big sis. Then right before the club ended, this guy comes up behind me and we're dancing. I don't typically dance with guys so it was a lot that I was even dancing with him.
He wanted me to go to this after party with him afterwards. He told me later that it was his only way to spend more time with me. We went to the after party, it sucked but me and the new guy, J, were together and I was already liking him. I was shocked. I tried not to because I wanted to be single until my divorce was final and just find myself but he was SO into me it was crazy. For example, he got out of his car in the middle of the street just to give me a cd that he wanted me to listen to...lol. My sister was like, "You're going to get sick of that" but I was like, "I have been neglected for so long that I can get used to the attention."
I decided to be more open-minded than I typically am and I decided then to give him a chance.
Before my sister and I left, my new guy, J actually got on his knees and begged me to give him a chance. I was like, "Please get up" ok...lol. It was crazy and SO romantic all at the same time. Of course, I found out later he had been drinking which explains some of the over the top behavior but by then, he had me.
We slept together the very next day. I don't do that often (married 5 years) but if people want to sleep together and it feels right, whatever. However, I was worried that he wouldn't call me again because I slept with him so soon. That night, I had a drink or two and just had to let go. I wanted him, I admit. I had not slept with my husband for months, almost half a year if not longer so I needed that night.
However, the next day, I was scared he wouldn't call me.
But he did.
And he called every day after that or we texted and we have basically been inseparable ever since.
The main issue right now is his baby mama drama. He fights with her alot about their son. The usual crap. I wish some people would just learn how to get along or don't communicate except to coordinate when to get the baby. I mean really. But I put up with it because it's a part of him. I have 2 sons myself but I never got the baby daddy/mama drama. If it's there, just remove yourself from it or act like adults and try to get along for the kids.
Since we have been talking for a little over a month, he has told me that he loves me. I wasn't ready to say it out loud because we're both going through a lot in our personal lives with our exes. But I fell for him the first night that we met. I have been fighting it because I want to get my life together first.
Ok, I know this has all been really long-winded but I really wanted the best in-depth advice.
The issue with J that I have is that he says one thing then goes back on his word and changes what he said, like "I don't care if you talk to other guys" but then he'll say he doesn't want me to talk to anyone else later. I don't know if he's trying to act like he's not jealous when he is. I am confused.
We aren't officially together but agreed to be monogamous and we have fought a few times and I have cried already over J and I am getting sick of our relationship but I still care about him alot. Each fight seems to bring us closer and I read that arguing is actually normal and good for new relationships because we're learning about each other. Neither of us particularly mind the arguing itself because we seem to both be in it for the long haul...not sure how we both already know this but we just seem to know...it's just what we're arguing over that is pissing me off.
I feel like our relationship will improve in the near future when my divorce is final and I am in my own apartment by the end of this month.
J is also working on getting his stuff together and he's trying to get his son.
My question is: I am wondering if I should stick this out or should we separate, like not talk, for awhile until we have both settled into our lives? Right now, we do kind of lean on each other but at the same time because we're stressed, we are arguing a lot. I think if we want our relationship to truly blossom and go the distance, we have to let go some now or we're going to hate each other or something. Yet at the same time, I read that it's good to support each other in a relationship. I feel like if I left him now, I wouldn't be supporting him. But he hurts me with some of the things he does sometimes and I can't take it. And he can be selfish sometimes too which I don't need when I am going through my own stuff. I think the selfishness might be part of his culture, I am not sure. He is African. I love that he is African but his different culture is sometimes a bit of a culture shock to say the least...lol. He's a brat at times and I know enough Africans to know this is common in their culture with the males because they love their male children. I am not an expert but he told me the male children are very important and my nephew is half African and his father's family is the same way. They love the male children and are even trying to take my nephew from my SIL. Long story on that but just wanted to give some background of where my knowledge is coming from.
I am worried that if I stop talking to him, I will lose him and I really don't want to mess up this relationship. I tend to run from relationships and not fight for them to protect myself. I don't want to do that this time.
But I know him and he will think that I abandoned him if I say I want to work on myself for awhile and not deal with him right now. I know it sounds crazy that I am scared but I am human and I really really like him. I want say the L word but I REALLY like him.
Last night, I wanted to come by and he said he was too tired for me to come by. I know his job can be really tiring but I sometimes think that he is still sleeping with his son's mom. He didn't even work yesterday. He came to see me for my lunch and I work about an hour from where he lives so that was sweet but I was going to go visit him next, so I don't see why it would have been a big deal if I came by. And he has done this a few times. He acts funny sometimes when his son's mother is off from work. I am not sure if I am being paranoid. He claims nothing is going on with them at all and that she is most likely seeing someone else but I don't believe him. Or it could be another woman entirely. Who knows. He talks to me a lot on the phone and we see each other enough when he is off but there is definitely time where he could be talking to someone else or spending time with someone else.
I don't know what to think anymore. I am so wrapped up in everything that I can't think straight which is why I am turning to you all.
Please help me figure out if I should take a break from J, cut him off completely (which will be hard but I guess can be done if it's necessary) or stay with him and we can weather the storm together which usually makes us stronger?
And I have looked online so I know we are all wrong for each other but if anybody has truly dated or fallen for someone, they know that relationships can still work, despite what websites say. I feel like the logical thing to do would be to leave him but I think that this is one relationship that I will truly regret not giving a real chance. I left my first love abruptly (to protect myself) and I NEVER got over it. Over 10 years later and no one has compared to him...until now...
Please let me know. I appreciate all serious responses that will help me get through this and help me make a choice. I love city data, I typically find great information on here so thought some intelligent and compassionate people could help me with my relationship issues.
Thank you.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
