Confused with Love (dating, wife, marriage, women)
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Well, I have been dating this guy for a couple of years. The relationship started out really good as they all do. He is very smart and good with computers. He spent years in the military. He also lived out of the country for 10 years. He has a totally different way of thinking than anyone else. He is weird in a good way. He spends a lot of time on the computer and never come to bed until the morning even when he has to be at work. a lot. He watches a LOT of porn ( not that porn is bad)...I mean a lot and masturbates also with it. We have not been having sex lately or at all. We with through this before and things changed for a short time, but I think was still doing iton the side. I believe also with a previous marriage he did the same thing. I have caught him so many times.. and always try to hide it or click out of it. I still see it.
He also has all these so-called lady friends out of the country where he lived for 10 years he claims are only friends, but I do not believe they all are due to IM messages that I have read. He is always on other sites like blackplanet checking out other women as well. He says it is nothing, but he has the nerves to be pissed if I do it. I have told him so many times that I do not like any of it. We are suppose to be in a relationship. He tries being sneaky , but of course "what is done in ark comes to the light."
The other thing is I believe he has low self-esteem. He sometimes accused me of talking and checking out other men, but it is ok that he does it. You undersand me ladies ? I love him and I know he loves me. I feel like he is dealing with demons as far as the porn goes. The vaseline runs out fast..LOL. We dont have sex and it has been a little over a month. We argue a lot. I leave home and hang out with friends because I am either angry or hurt. He also thinks I am doing something when I do. As I said earlier, he went to similar situation in a marriage of 10 years, but his ex-wife cheated on him a lot because he did it in addition to all the internet drama. He used also work in a club, so that was an add on to his lifestyle when he lived out of the country as well. He told me he was a dog even when he was married. Since we have been togather...he does not hang out all. We do thing either other couples or family. We used to have a very close friendship.
I do not know what to do because it keeps happening and I feel things have and are changeing more. He does do not want us to break up, but what do I do ? I am always praying for him and this realtionship for direction.
I am sorry to make this long, but I needed some venting. I would appreciate responses from men and women.
Well, I have been dating this guy for a couple of years. The relationship started out really good as they all do. He is very smart and good with computers. He spent years in the military. He also lived out of the country for 10 years. He has a totally different way of thinking than anyone else. He is weird in a good way. He spends a lot of time on the computer and never come to bed until the morning even when he has to be at work. a lot. He watches a LOT of porn ( not that porn is bad)...I mean a lot and masturbates also with it. We have not been having sex lately or at all. We with through this before and things changed for a short time, but I think was still doing iton the side. I believe also with a previous marriage he did the same thing. I have caught him so many times.. and always try to hide it or click out of it. I still see it.
He also has all these so-called lady friends out of the country where he lived for 10 years he claims are only friends, but I do not believe they all are due to IM messages that I have read. He is always on other sites like blackplanet checking out other women as well. He says it is nothing, but he has the nerves to be pissed if I do it. I have told him so many times that I do not like any of it. We are suppose to be in a relationship. He tries being sneaky , but of course "what is done in ark comes to the light."
The other thing is I believe he has low self-esteem. He sometimes accused me of talking and checking out other men, but it is ok that he does it. You undersand me ladies ? I love him and I know he loves me. I feel like he is dealing with demons as far as the porn goes. The vaseline runs out fast..LOL. We dont have sex and it has been a little over a month. We argue a lot. I leave home and hang out with friends because I am either angry or hurt. He also thinks I am doing something when I do. As I said earlier, he went to similar situation in a marriage of 10 years, but his ex-wife cheated on him a lot because he did it in addition to all the internet drama. He used also work in a club, so that was an add on to his lifestyle when he lived out of the country as well. He told me he was a dog even when he was married. Since we have been togather...he does not hang out all. We do thing either other couples or family. We used to have a very close friendship.
I do not know what to do because it keeps happening and I feel things have and are changeing more. He does do not want us to break up, but what do I do ? I am always praying for him and this realtionship for direction.
I am sorry to make this long, but I needed some venting. I would appreciate responses from men and women.
Thank you !
Your "Guy" has a "Mega Problem." Of course he doesn't want to break up...You have been tolerating his late night trysts in the porno world. In this case I'm afraid porn is bad . He chooses that over you? Come on !!!! You have seen the correspondence he has engaged in with other women....How typical his response...."It's nothing Dear." HA !!!!! Then he gets upset when you confront him... His low self esteem allows him to be suspicious of you when you go out. He's cheating and says it's you who are out there fooling around....He is deceitful and sneaky.....Very dishonest....Is this what you want? If so do not write another word....Grin and bear it. If not sweet woman "RUN FOR THE HILLS !!!!!!!" The guy admits he's a dog. Send him back to the pound!!! You deserve better.
Spiritwalker
This is NOT a good relationship and it never will be. I don't understand why you would think you love a man that prefers to masturbate and watch porn to having the real thing with you. You THINK that he loves you. No, he doesn't. what he likes is having someone around to take care of things for him. He has no concern for you or your feelings. Think very hard if this is the type of person that you want to live with and possibly be the father of your children.
It sounds as if he has a real addiction to pornography. However, it is not your job to try to save him from himself! Real love is not a sick and twisted dependency that hurts you. I'd suggest that you dump him immediately and not look back. Then you need to do some soul-searching to discover why this kind of relationship is so attractive to you.
This is all wrong...your fella has severe problems...not to mention, you are certainly not compatible mentally or morally....I suggest you find something more...you do not deserve to be in such a low life existance. This guy probably does things you would not want to know about...please, please, please believe you deserve more...no matter your past, yesterday is gone, today is the start of a new day, your day...don't put up with this, and stand by your convictions, your moral institutions and don't compromise them for anyone or just to be in a relationship.
Just by posting your question tells me that you already know this is wrong...don't look for approval to be right, inside, I believe that inner voice is saying to you....RUN LIKE ANYTHING!!!!!! So go, and don't look back...I'm worried cause there is so much more here at stake...I wouldn't tell this guy your leaving...let me tell you, you don't really know someone until there are problems or you leave them and then they automatically turn into the devil's advocate...
Don't stay with someone that has so little respect for himself, cuz someone like that, will never respect you, nor will he ever change, unless it is something he really decides will better his existence....and that is what he is presently doing right now, existing, not living....
You have pointed out his better side, but the bad side takes over way to much...this is not your every day normal problem....
Hugs from a lady who cares
take careayou girl...don't look for someone else to do that...you've got to look out for yourself and choose people who have better moral values
Love ya
Creme
Last edited by cremebrulee; 07-10-2007 at 07:02 AM..
Amen, amen to all the above posts - I have an acquaintance who lived in your world and it was not pretty. Her husband controlled her to the max, but she didn't recognize it until she was far, far away from him. The porn was just another way of making her feel badly about herself, in addition to whatever thrill it gave him.....she wasn't quite enough.
His self esteem at this point in his life is not something you can fix or help with - and porn is bad, it's degrading....
If the friendship is gone, there's nothing left to tie this relationship together - you have to be friends first and foremost, and friends don't hurt friends and continually demonstrate poor behavior.
The late night computer thing is something I have NEVER tolerated. When he could be making love to you, he is spending time online with other women. This is still IMO and most other people, CHEATING. You wouldn't stay if he cheated over and over would you? Well that's what he is doing. And watcing porn al the time instead of being with you is just DISRESPECTFUL. If he is addicted, then he has to first admit there is a problem, just like any other addiction.
I've told my husband if he has to look at it, do it when I am NOT home and I don't want to stumble across it on the computer by accident nor do I want to CATCH him doing it. If he can't handle that, then he BETTER not be doing it without ME.
He is english and his mom is very "english" in that she is polite and proper and doesn't thinks it's ok to talk about sex let alone have her sons looking at PORN Sometimes I feel in that respect, he treat me like his mother when he thinks he has to HIDE these things.
My advise, RUN, RUN, RUN....
You haven't married him, so don't make the MISTAKE. He is ADDICTED and you said it happended BEFORE, so it will happen AGAIN until he wants it to be over. Is that the kind of life you want?
Last edited by floridadreamer; 07-10-2007 at 09:20 AM..
He is the wrong guy for anyone. Period. But you say you still love each other. I am not buying it.
If my husband loves me he will not be looking at other women with lust on the computer. If he loves me he will be honest with me in everything that he does. If he is not, he does not love me.
Don't kid yourself. Codependence is not love. But breaking a co-dependent relationship may hurt more than letting go of a loved one, and that's a big part of why people stay in these screwed up relationships (i.e,. they don't want to go through the pain to get to a healthier spot).
And you show me a jealous guy and I'll show you a guy with very low self-esteem.
And the whole porn thing is just plain nasty. I mean, I don't really object to a little porn now and then.... preferably with my mate as part of the foreplay or whatever. But that business of staying up to all hours, IM'ing who-knows-who, while spanking the monkey... well... that's just deviant behavior. You'll be catching that guy on one of those sting operations on Dateline one of these days. You wait and see.
Listen to what everyone else is telling you here, hon. Get out now. You're wasting your life with this nut.
Location: Phoenix...until next week, then Maryland...tick tock tick tock
169 posts, read 607,840 times
Reputation: 108
I agree with everyone else. Get out while you can, before you get pregnant or something.
I do believe that guys can change...I think a couple of them have already posted here... But this guy hasn't changed & apparently does not see the problem with what he's doing.
I don't believe all porn is evil, but it can be in certain situations. He is choosing porn over you. That is a problem. He is having secret, intimate conversations with other women. That is also a problem.
This is not just run-of-the-mill guy stuff. Yeah, most guys do occasionally (note the word occasionally) look at porn, but not to the point at which they pass up the real thing.
He is not treating you like his mate...why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care enough about you or your feelings to treat you with respect?
He's done this before (by his own admission!) & he's continuing to do it again...with no remorse.
Leave. Leave now. You can do better, & you'll be shocked at how easy it will be to do better.
Remember, happy alone is always better than miserable with someone else. Always.
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Exit Strategy...................
Sometimes I feel in that respect, he treat me like his mother when he thinks he has to HIDE these things.
But this guy hasn't changed & apparently does not see the problem with what he's doing.
