Where is the love? (frustration, bars, narcissist, girl)
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If you have to choose between paying the rent in the place you're leaving and buying groceries, get the groceries and forget the rent. You can pay her later, a little at time. In the meantime, you guys gotta eat.
Good night. Hope you get some sleep. I'm headed that way myself.
It's late and I've been on the road all day today, and tomorrow. Just a few thoughts - great posts before me - Robyn, great idea to speak to the drs about possible compensation for the vacation time they owe you...I'll bet they don't want you to take several weeks off...especially if no one covers your desk, and the work piles up.
Marlow & HIF & the rest of us all agree-focus on not getting into discussions/arguements with Jim. When he says something, try not internalizing what's he's saying and reacting to it. EXPECT him to say crazy things, to be moody ~ work on underreacting to everything ~ let him know you are going soon, when he says the kids are staying, assure him that it is up to the courts to decide. I don't think you should wait until your brother is standing beside you to say something - possibly try to say you're leaving at every opportunity ~ "please don't call me that, don't make plans with me, this marriage is over, and I am leaving as soon as I can afford to." Don't listen as he berrates you for everything you say, just say, "Jim, look at us, do you really think this is happiness?" Don't get into it with him...and (as you seem to know how to do) keep it on a civilized level of conversation. He'll find out when you're leaving that the kids are going with you...but I think you'll pay, if he's in shock when it happens. Prepare him now ~ don't acknowledge any definite information, just that you're moving on.
WIll try to post tomorrow ~ but HUGS to you tonight!
Your friend who is taking the kids, will she come and get them? or do you have to drive over the night before? Wish she would come get them.
I slept all night. A nice, good, positive sleep. I woke in a positive manner, my alarm going off later than usual, because yesterday, I was so tired.
I jumped up, realizing it was Saturday, but letting Mollie kittie know that ok, I will turn it off...
She is a small cat, but full grown, Lucy eats all the food. Mollie is white with alot of black markings, cute girl.
Coffee is ready, today I will walk, as yesterday, I could not, in the rain.
I woke from a dream, all I can remember is that it was a good one, but the dream, now, has floated away, with the sound of the alarm.
If you remember, I analyze things, and dreams are things...I also like to analyze them...I guess remembering that it was good will have to do for now, it may come back to me, or I may re-dream it, that happens to me alot.
MsV...Jim is a monster. It takes all that I have, all that I am. The Lord gives me strength to sit here and be calm and rational with him, when he is so irrational. Making no sense what so ever. When he tells me I will not have my kids.....he knows that is where he can get me. I just told him, in the calmest voice, that we would let the custody hearing and judge decide it, and he came back with we can do the same thing with them being here.
I smile, I let out a little huff. He looks at me like WTH?!? I have just said these things...this is not the reaction I am looking for. In this conversation he sits less than 2 feet away from me, each of us in a computer chair.
He berates me. He says he has never done any of these things. He will not own them. Pulls my Alexander into it, poor child too scared to answer what he knows the man said, so he answers with I dont know. I sat here the other night and listened to every word he said about the crock pots and breaking of teeth. He said I did not say that. That is crazy.
Yes, I thought, it is crazy. He says you are no mother. I take the kids places, and you don't come. I dont go, I think in my head, because I don't want him thinking we are one big happy family.
He lives in such a dream world.
About my friend picking up the kids. I dont know. I had thought of taking them over, but when you mentioned it, I think her picking them up may be a better idea. He would be involved with me here. Not following her. He may follw me. I dont know...Input?
I do always remind him that i will be leaving, since he wont, and the same arguement comes up...I could recite it. he switched a few thing up last night though...this time he didn't say that i could take them and I would have to bring them back, because no judge would let me have them, he said, no you will leave them here, you will not have them, something to that effect.
he always accuses me of hating him. I feel like it is the hate he has within himself that makes him say that. I have never said that I hate him. I have never, that I recall on this board say that I hate him. I may hate the things he does, but to hate a person. That is not right. i know I have every right to hate him, he wouldn't see it... because he doesn't 'owb' what he did. What he does.
Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can contend with him. I sit here now and wonder it.He has such evil lurking within his being. How could someone be so dark and manipulitive.
Some of my friends who are helping me are having a health fair at a church today, I can go out there and talk with them about some things. I have put off the work on the car for now.
I have the elec and phone hooked up already at the new place, as of the 31st, although I need to put a 95 dollar deposit on the phone, so it is on hold.
This months rent...should I even pay it. More and More I think...heck no.
Last night he talked of how he has done everything for this family, made sure we had a roof...oops, not that was me, I didn't say anything though, made sure we have things...nope, me too, made sure we get to go places...we go no where.
He is out of this world. not in the good way either...
Hmm. I see the light coming out...that means walk. I put gas in my car... Mr gas Light is gone, but he always knows when to come and visit.
Do you know I jumped up this morniing like I was going to work???
I am going to look at my paystub and see exactly what I have left for vacation. She tells me it doesn't roll over, my old boss used to roll it over. I am taking three days at the end of the month, 24 hours. Will see whats on there, and go to not her, but the owning physician. I don't know. Sometimes they say you should go to the first person and ask and allow them to take it to the next. He just ponders over things...if I wait for her to tell him who knows how long it could take for hi to decide, if I tell him whats going on, maybe he can make a decision then and there.
He was going to pay me an extra 50 every 2 weeks if I would stay and not move to NC. He does value my employment....Will walk on it, I suppose.
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to windchimes03561 again.
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Yes, the Separation Agreement is a legal document, he must abide by it. By his calling you unstable shows HIS insecurity....He is trying to make you feel bad....Dont let him.
Also, it is doubtful he will end up with the children. especially with his history of violence. Does he have a public or criminal record? This can be used against him in court.
Again, he was agreeing to the separation, then wouldn't. No record that I know of , But Good Lord, so many times he could have......
If you have to choose between paying the rent in the place you're leaving and buying groceries, get the groceries and forget the rent. You can pay her later, a little at time. In the meantime, you guys gotta eat.
Good night. Hope you get some sleep. I'm headed that way myself.
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Marlow again.
When I first woke up this morning I did not see his truck and I was in a panic. I looked out the window of the back door, and it was not there. I thought to myself...it is Saturday right? Yes, I got paid yesterday.
I ran to my sons room, sometimes he wakes him up early and they get breakfast...secret breakfast...lol.
Alexander was there.
I ran to my bedroom. It is so dark in there, he cannot sleep in the light. I listened. The CPAP machine was running, and my eyes adjusted to the dark, he was there, asleep.
Ok. Mind playing tricks? I went back to the back door. Some time late last night, i suppose, he parked his truck up on this small hill, that sort of blocks the drive, when you look out the back door you cant see it.
Why? I wonder if my car is blocked in? Why is his truck up there? It is a spot next to the road, he treats that old thing like his baby, when it sits there, it looks like it is for sale. Craziness lurks in my home. This is not my home.
Craziness lurks in this place.
I will walk. Wake up sleepy heads..I know its saturday! I have been up for an hour already! Nothin but love for you all...
As I walked quietly around the house this morning, getting ready for my walk, I thought of that word.
Journey. Where does it start? Where does it end?
I think it starts the moment you are concieved, you can only journey, at that time, as far as you are allowed, you must be nourished. You must be taken care of. To me, in my life perspective, if a child has a severe handicap, the child may not be born, it may miscarry, as has happened with me 3x.
You are born and even more, your journey goes. But only as far as it is allowed.
My friend A at work. His true journey begins this weekend. My prayers and love go with him.
My journey. I always thought, growing up, that I was on a journey, an adventure. I was a tomboy, swinging through the trees, playing in the creeks, the woods. Mountain biking. I felt free.
Then I grew up into a girl. This is when the journey slowed a bit.
There is the Him and there is the him. I never had the Him in my life, but the him. I grew up without the Lord. Knowing always, something was missing.
I had my son, Alexander, my new journey began. I was in love with him. My son. Soon after another journey started, the care of my dying father...
After all of the birth and dying, my journey was over.
I was who I was going to be. This was it. This is life. This is my life. Forever more. Nothing else. I will love my children. I loved my husband. That was it.
I had given my heart to Christ at the age of 25, that, at least started me on a new journey, but it was within the confines of the stand still, this is it journey.
People can say, no one can ever take the Lord from you...but they can. They can take Him. If Satan is strong enough inside of them, they can take Him from you. They can take your strength, your will.
And at your lowest time, you will feel this is it, this is where my lifes journey stops.
It isn't. It does not stop there, but if we allow it to.
I am on a new journey, a new vision quest.
My Lord is strong in my journey, and he helped me to know....your journey is not over. When I found that out, you would have thought...I don't know..
Think of the very best thing that could ever happen to you ever, in this world, place it there.
But for me, I had hope, new life. Revision. I just needed the strength. I remember processing a thought on one of my posts...will I ever be loved again. I worried about that. Will I have companionship?
Have I really had companionship all this time? No, I have had ownership, his ownership of me. Will I be loved again?
I think I will. In its own time. I am on a renewed journey. I have been given a second chance. I just have to reach out and take it, open my hands to it and grab it, because it is mine, and I deserve it.
No matter how much he wants to make me feel I don't, and that my place is here, in this misery. It is not. It has not been...for a long time, but for the fog. The fog within me, and the fog that surrounded me.
He grieves now. I am done with that process. I begin to understand, and he wants to hurt me, because I have hurt him. If he only understood the depth in which he has hurt the kids and I all these years...
Can it be proven, I dont know. Is it on record at my neuropysiologist from 4 years ago, yes it is. What have the kids said to their phsychologist? I dont know.
Our journey is never-ending, not unless we freeze it in time, as I had, for so many years.
Now, I have let the journey open up, it is alive, to flourish. No longer am I frozen in time, with the hurt and pain loading up inside of me, killing me.
I have the freedom of a journey, and I am taking it. It will not end til the day I die...but even then, in Christs name, and what he tells me, I will live on.
Now he is awake, and in his other personality,once again my name is Pretty, and how was my walk.
Hot.
Thats because you are hot...
Me..no response.
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Sleep in depth
