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That is the question. Suppose you have been married for nearly 12 years...121 years this coming Monday the 16th. You have been together since high school. Since 1991.
Forever, in your mind. You have been belittled all of this time, as well as have been your children.
One day, there is a click. Your health has been bad, and you recover. A window opens in your mind and shows you everything that has been happening, all of these years.
All of the hurt and pain comes flooding through. You have had nothing but love for your husband all of this time. Your family has seen it all along, always asking you why is he like that. You just answer, thats just how he is.... they say he doesn't even let the kids be kids.
Back to the click. The opening in the clouds, and the sun shining through. A realization, a coming to terms. You talk to him about it. He doesn't get it, he doesn't understand.
The day before that is when you realize...I cannot move. I cannot move to a new state with this man and start a new life where i dont know anyone, where I dont have a job, friends, support system
I talked to my sister by phone. She says you must tell him, she was right, and I did. he just didn;t get it. He is a truck driver, says do you want a divorce, do you want me to be a long distance driver? If I am not here you wont have to put up with me. That does not solve the problem, but prolonges it.
One week later, he asks why I am isolating myself from him.... I am still upset, we talked about this. Your still upset over that mess...
Oh geez. So, a few days later we talk more in depth, 3 hours. Click, he got it. I told him he needs to see a therapist, and he agreed. i told him for his own mental health and for the kids, no guarantees for me. He guarantees that he will love me forever and will not go down without a fight. I say, maybe two years ago that would have been ok, but the hurt and pain is so deep, so embedded, and it has come to light.
I am on the fence. I have come to terms. i find myself doing things a single parent would do. i am in prep mode. I don't know what I am doing.
It is a complete mess. Five years ago he was horribly drunk at noon, vodka and tried to take the kids. I blocked him fr taking them and said i would call the police if he tried. he went outside and took the tires off my car, threw in back of his truck and left, coming back hours later, less drunk. I told him that is it. he must leave. We were talking and there was a knock at the door. The preachers wife and 2 deacons. Divine intervention, one could only feel.
We stayed together, and he went to anger mgmt, about 5x. Out of it, he got that it was all my fault. I feel that this is what will happen again...
I have turned it over to the Lord, and i still pray. What happens is in his hands...... I will overcome, no matter what. The Lord walks with me, beside me, not behind me, not infront of me, he carried me when i couold not walk.
Thank you for letting me vent, if you got this far...
That is the question. Suppose you have been married for nearly 12 years...121 years this coming Monday the 16th. You have been together since high school. Since 1991.
Forever, in your mind. You have been belittled all of this time, as well as have been your children.
One day, there is a click. Your health has been bad, and you recover. A window opens in your mind and shows you everything that has been happening, all of these years.
All of the hurt and pain comes flooding through. You have had nothing but love for your husband all of this time. Your family has seen it all along, always asking you why is he like that. You just answer, thats just how he is.... they say he doesn't even let the kids be kids.
Back to the click. The opening in the clouds, and the sun shining through. A realization, a coming to terms. You talk to him about it. He doesn't get it, he doesn't understand.
The day before that is when you realize...I cannot move. I cannot move to a new state with this man and start a new life where i dont know anyone, where I dont have a job, friends, support system
I talked to my sister by phone. She says you must tell him, she was right, and I did. he just didn;t get it. He is a truck driver, says do you want a divorce, do you want me to be a long distance driver? If I am not here you wont have to put up with me. That does not solve the problem, but prolonges it.
One week later, he asks why I am isolating myself from him.... I am still upset, we talked about this. Your still upset over that mess...
Oh geez. So, a few days later we talk more in depth, 3 hours. Click, he got it. I told him he needs to see a therapist, and he agreed. i told him for his own mental health and for the kids, no guarantees for me. He guarantees that he will love me forever and will not go down without a fight. I say, maybe two years ago that would have been ok, but the hurt and pain is so deep, so embedded, and it has come to light.
I am on the fence. I have come to terms. i find myself doing things a single parent would do. i am in prep mode. I don't know what I am doing.
It is a complete mess. Five years ago he was horribly drunk at noon, vodka and tried to take the kids. I blocked him fr taking them and said i would call the police if he tried. he went outside and took the tires off my car, threw in back of his truck and left, coming back hours later, less drunk. I told him that is it. he must leave. We were talking and there was a knock at the door. The preachers wife and 2 deacons. Divine intervention, one could only feel.
We stayed together, and he went to anger mgmt, about 5x. Out of it, he got that it was all my fault. I feel that this is what will happen again...
I have turned it over to the Lord, and i still pray. What happens is in his hands...... I will overcome, no matter what. The Lord walks with me, beside me, not behind me, not infront of me, he carried me when i couold not walk.
Thank you for letting me vent, if you got this far...
Robyn
Hello Robyn,
I'm so so sorry you are going thru this and feel badly for you, it is difficult and confusing...but I just have one question...and I mean no insult, I just have a difficult time understanding why people say, "I'm turning it over to the Lord" What do you think "Our Lord is going to do" or what do you want Him to do for both of you?
Hello Robyn,
I just have a difficult time understanding why people say, "I'm turning it over to the Lord" What do you think "Our Lord is going to do" or what do you want Him to do for both of you?
Some people believe God works through other people. For example, some people would argue that some responses received on a board like this could be examples of God at work. Thus, the person prays for help, does the footwork, and turns the results over to God. Another example of this can be found in this little anecdote, of which I have heard many versions:
One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.
The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat. The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away. The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?!"
I had a similar life at one time. We were married 19 years when I started working after raising our kids. It dawned on me what my life was really like at home. Very controlling, calling the kids 'stupid, dumb' didn't like my friends, everything had to be done his way and heaven forbid he would help around the house. He mowed the lawn and that was it. Not to mention our sex life was non exsistent.
When I told him I was unhappy he didn't understand how that could be. We went to a marriage counselor and he talked the whole 2 hours, when we left he said he didn't need to go back.
When he thought I was going to leave him he put a gun to my head. He was right.. I did leave and never looked back. My family also asked me what took me so long to realize how he treated me? I only regret two things, I didn't leave sooner and when we divorced I didn't insist on getting part of his retirement, but at that point I just wanted out. Make the decision that will make and your children happy.
Some people believe God works through other people. For example, some people would argue that some responses received on a board like this could be examples of God at work. Thus, the person prays for help, does the footwork, and turns the results over to God. Another example of this can be found in this little anecdote, of which I have heard many versions:
One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.
The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat. The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away. The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?!"
Well, all well and good, thanks for taking the time to explain...
but here's my view...
I went thru the exact same thing...now, a long time ago...it was devestating, and at the time I was very involved in church...and our minister and some members of the congregation who counceled with us would say, pray that God work it out. I did that for 3 years, and the harder I prayed the worse it got...then all of a sudden, something inside said, God is not going to make this better, the only one who can make this better is you...(meaning me) and so, I made some decisions that were what I though, good for everyone concerned. Later, I found out that the minister and several of those members of the congregation knew he was running around...and that made me very sad, as they knew what I was going thru....knowing what I know now, if they had told me, it would have been a lot easier...they felt that you don't tell people something that will hurt them....sheesh...honestly, I can understand their point, but my husband was trying to say I was nuts....imagining things...God I can't tell you how awful that was. And to boot, I myself, didn't want to believe it was happening.
OH well, you cannot imagine something like that until you go thru it...
bottom line is this
I believe most definately in God, but also believe that by going to counseling today, we are all very fortunate if we find a counselor who tells you what you need to hear...instead of taking your money and having you come back again and again, not knowing any more then you knew when you started going?
I also believe that talking to others is of great support, as you suggested this forum...but in the end I believe
the only way one can help a situation like this is to make the decission to help themselves. God gives us life and the gift of life is free will to make choice...and when we make bad choices, like marrying the wrong person...we are forced to problem solve and think for ourselves...that is the only way we learn...sometimes we make good choice, sometimes bad ones, but, to say, pray and God will take care of it all...well sir, I don't know...?????
and that is my belief, through experience...and did I have divine intervention? Whose to say...but I know for certain, things started happening when I started to make decissions and plans to make things better for all concerned, and that was to leave...and a whole new life began for me.
People at the church wanted me to stay...they told me "all men run around" I became angry and said..."I don't believe that, and if I believe in fidelity, I believe that there are men out there who not only believe it but live it, as well!"
I stayed for 3 long years, and it was, awful...so, I have to say, what is good for me and worked, might not be as good for someone else, as we are all different...but the point is, by making decission, we learn, it is our learning process...and we need to do that to complete our life path, I think? I dunno, thats just me....
In addition to prayer, it appears that the OP is also taking action.
I am, as each day passes, whether it be a good day or a bad day, and believe me, I have them both. Life has proven to be a challenge right now...
But I am ok. I feel ok. I feel like if things go well, if we part, that I will be ok. I don't know if it will ever be the same if we remain though....I think this is my biggest problem, or hurdle , if you will....
Cinderobyn, you seem to be in the same place in your marriage that I was many years ago. We had a "trial separation" for a couple of weeks, because I so desperately needed time to think about what I really wanted, and I was so miserable I was almost suicidal. I decided to go back, mostly because of my children. My husband decided to cook a lovely dinner and have a "ring exchange ceremony". I swallowed hard and endured it, but I felt like I was going back into prison, hearing the cell door clang shut! Needless to say, that reconciliation attempt didn't last very long.
We've been divorced now for many years, and it was the best decision I ever made. However, it was also the most difficult! It would have been easier if he had died, seriously. He never would have left me, which put all of the decision-making and action-taking on my shoulders. Luckily, after I left him for good my family was extremely supportive.
Cinderobyn, you seem to be in the same place in your marriage that I was many years ago. We had a "trial separation" for a couple of weeks, because I so desperately needed time to think about what I really wanted, and I was so miserable I was almost suicidal. I decided to go back, mostly because of my children. My husband decided to cook a lovely dinner and have a "ring exchange ceremony". I swallowed hard and endured it, but I felt like I was going back into prison, hearing the cell door clang shut! Needless to say, that reconciliation attempt didn't last very long.
We've been divorced now for many years, and it was the best decision I ever made. However, it was also the most difficult! It would have been easier if he had died, seriously. He never would have left me, which put all of the decision-making and action-taking on my shoulders. Luckily, after I left him for good my family was extremely supportive.
The decision, with me, as you, would also be completely dependant on myself. I have been taking actions, telling him things I have been so afraid to for so long, for all of these years. I have become strong, and I swear, the first time i said something to him about it, I was so afraid, I didn't think I had it in me.
But as time goes by, I am able to just tell him how I feel. I wish I could have always done that, i may not be in this position. But this may be the position that I need to be in. This may be the turning point that i need. I guess it is time that will tell. i am supposed to go to counseling with him on Aug 2. He went yesterday, and I really don't think he told the lady any of the problems, only poor me.
Not this is what I do, I ttreat them like dirt, I always have. She wants him to think of 5 things that are good things about himself, and do 1 fun thing between now and then... i would say the Nickelback concert would count.....
I will go, and I will put it on the table. I will bring it out into the open about our lives and our very existance......
I'm so so sorry you are going thru this and feel badly for you, it is difficult and confusing...but I just have one question...and I mean no insult, I just have a difficult time understanding why people say, "I'm turning it over to the Lord" What do you think "Our Lord is going to do" or what do you want Him to do for both of you?
Well... I have gone through the caregiving and loss of both my parents and grandmother at a young age, as well as raising my kids. I felt like I was on my own during this time. Not long after my mother passed on 12-24-00 my health declined. I got in a very bad way. During this time...I felt as though the Lord 'carried' me. I could not do it all alone. My marriage has never been perfect, I don't think I have ever been acceptant of it. I have prayed that it would get better, that he would change and treat us better, until I finally prayed so much that I turned it over to Him.
Until recently, about a month ago, my health has still been in decline. Migraines everyday, Rheumatoid Arthritis. All I can take to work 40 hours and make it home everyday to collapse.
All of a sudden like a tap on the shoulder. Its time to take back your life. Look around yourself. I don't want you unhappy.
Everytime my dh pulled the jeckyl/hyde it was all so clear. I said things to him. We went away one weekend w the kids to look at some things in another state in re to moving and he treated us like the dirt under his feet. No different than any other time. But it was so clear. We were in a restaraunt. He pushed us, all three. He spoke down to us. The people around us just looked at us, they looked at me. the kids came to tears. JUST GO SIT DOWN he yelled. We did. Mommy, why is daddy so mean to us? My son asked me. I said to him I don't know, but he will never be that way again, never again will you feel like you are nothing more than the dirt beneath his feet for him to walk on, and I have kept that promise.
It was a couple of weeks before that that my eyes were opened to all of this...how could they have been shut, I know. I started getting physically and mentally well. No more migraines, no more RA flares. no more Chest pains. My husband attributes his stress and treating us the way he does to m y Epilepsy. Yes, I have that too.
I have been eating right, no more meat, junk food, unhealthy snacks, only a half a cup of coffee, water the rest of the day, and walking 2-4 miles everyday, even the weekends.
I am becoming strong for myself and the kids.
No longer am I idle. When you pray, you never know how that prayer will be answered, nor in what time. I think it was answered in a wake up call, if you will. I don't think counseling will, and i am not trying to be negative. He has only told her his poor pityful me side. I will tell her the rest. This is what happened 5 years ago, and I won't let it happen again. I wont go along for the ride and let it be ok. I am 33, and I watched my mother in an unhappy life, because I think she thought she had to be. I know that I don't have to be, and I know that I took a vow before God.
I also know that He does not want any of His children to be unhappy.
Robyn
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