Where is the love? (guy, hubby, older, separation)

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by HDL

Robyn, there are so many people on CDF that support you and want God's best for you! I ask you to PLEASE focus on the positives in your life and not all the negatives . You are feeling much better, you have finally woken up to see your life more clearly, and you have children who need you more than ever right now (especially if their father doesn't love and cherish them as they deserve)!

I've been married and I know that there are always 2 sides to every story. I would never try to tell you what to do. And I so believe that God can change both you and your husband and you can grow old on the porch together. But it takes a lot of work and it is difficult for people to change (though it's not impossible)! Please don't count that possibility out just yet though !

If you can financially afford it, maybe opt for a trial separation and see if that helps you and your children, before going straight for a divorce. Maybe that would give DH the incentive to change his ways and get counseling for his behavior. Also, continue praying, church counseling, excercising and eating better. These things have helped you thus far and should continue to help you in the future.

I try to keep 'negative' things and people out of my life if at all possible . Whether it is CDF (certain forums ), TV shows, books, music or certain family members and/or friends, I limit my time around these things or avoid them entirely. Especially people who are constantly complaining and don't wish to look at themselves and make some changes. I try to listen to upbeat music and watch inspirational shows as much as possible so that I feel more upbeat and can see things in a more positive light !

I've got to go, but you know how to reach me if you need me!! Best wishes Robyn ! I know that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS and come out the other side much happier and healthier too !!!

Blessings my friend!!!

~HDL~

Thank you so much..... I think a trial is what we need. I have no clue as what the outcome may be though.....I really dont foresee the rocking chairs, not with him, anymore, anyway.

It is a sad situation. He is controlling, and I hadn't really realized it, so much. Oh the years that have gone by,

[Pikantari]

He did not come home last night. I text him at ten to be careful, coming home, that I was going to sleep. I hear my phone recieve a text a couple hours later.

He said he was spending the night, then another one came in. A resend. The same one he has sent all day... OKay, I love you.

I didn't even realize he was not there, until I woke up around 1. I sleep in our king size bed, which to me, is huge, and I sleep on the very edge, as to be as far as possible on my side.

My little Mollie Kittie was sleeping with me, I guess I wasn't completely alone. I suppose I will be the cat lady..the 33yo cat lady. Real cute.

I feal like taking a day trip to my sisters tomorrow, but the trip would be very taxing, 4 hours up and back... 8 hours driving. Not much time for visiting. I just feel like going anywhere. Somewhere. My life is havoc.

I do feel ok, here in the house, alone with the kids. it is when he is here, that a calmness is not before me. Right now, there is a calmness. A quietness.

Maybe he got a lot of his feelings out over there, I don't know. I am limited here. I spill the beans to you guys.....thank you

I talk with him, never easy, but none the less, it must be done. The night was good. With just the kids and I. I always wake in the night. I feel uncomfortable about it, like I may wake his sleep, but tonight, his sleep is not there to wake.

I am calm. I do not shake. I do not cry. I am at peace, when he is not here. The kids were arguing earlier tonight. It was fine...we got over it. If he were here...there would have been hell to pay. Not tonight. Just apologies and I love yous. And i think its about time for beds...

I don't know what the morning will bring with him, or what strategies he will have when he comes home. His mother is working up a divorce case right now, her third or fourth and is trying to take the man for all he is worth.

He fears that, I think. But i don't work that way. he saw me writing in a journal once. I shut it when he came into the room. He began talking to me, mentioning my writing, and said he knows its probably for when I divorce him, that i am writing everything down for the very day.

In actuallaty, I was writing everything down. from the moment we met. Good and bad, I had gotten to my daughters birth, and her first terrible 8 days of life. The words flowed so easily onto the paper, I had no idea I had gone through so many pages.

I had started that day waiting at a drs appt, and when I was done, continued out in the parking lot. It was therapeutic. It felt good to go back to the early days, even though it included the loss of my Dad. It just feels good. Just like this does.

I haven't picked up that journal since that night. maybe our time ended there. Before the tough time with my baby girl was the time when I told him I was pregnant with her, and he asked me what i was going to do, he wanted me to have an abortion.

Maybe I need to stop there for a little while and bask in the wonderfulness of my daughter Lindsay. For she is complete beauty and love. My children are the 2 best things that have come out of this mess I am calling my life.

I think sometimes, thats what happens. People are thrown together, for a purpose. For love that is there. For the children that the Lord has in store. And I have them. We have them. They have grown to become more than I could ever imagine. More than I could have ever asked for in two children.

They are my lifeblood. Without him, they would not be. But now, with him, we ...cannot be. Surely, he is a good man, he is a good father. He does have faults. They have brought me to this point.

I live in a small house with he and the kids. We planned on moving to Charlotte, NC. A beautiful area. I cannot do it. Not now. i cannot make that commitment. I will stay here, rent this small house, like I have always done. I have always paid for the roof over our heads, no matter the roof.

I can see the kids and I, one day living in a nice little country house somewhere. Being happy. Its never been like that before. Got eggs? We walk on the shells.

I can feel that coming to an end. I see it in the kids eyes. They are afraid. They don't want to choose. They wont have to. Of course, they will be with me. They will have all the time they want to be with him.

He told me he will be civil, cordial. I believe him. For that, he has no reason to lie. Deep sigh. a sigh of relief. of contentment.

I feel like I know what the future brings, and I am not crying. I see positiveness in my future. This is not to say that when I see him, I wont cry. Or when I go walking and I am by the river, with all the world around me quiet, just the breeze off of the river floating by, and a bird or a bug making a little noise, that tears wont come, for I am only human.

It is funny, how in the night, in the quiet, alone, things can be ok, if only for a little while. When the morning comes, and he is home, I don't know what he wil say to me. That is to come. I suppose. I am trusting in God.

Robyn

[Pikantari]

Peace be still, The Lord watches over me. I woke very calm this morning, had my tropical fruit and my coffee is done. My walk will come soon.

I did not have to calculate my every move as to not make a single noise.

I woke up in the middle of my bed..Mollie was still with me... sweet kittie girl.

I am taking the kids to church this morning, after a 1 1/2 year leave from it. It will be good for us. We need the Lord in our lives. I know he is always here, but we need worship. We need to see him working on other people, and we need to see other peoples needs. Sometimes, we feel our problems are so huge, but when we see the problems of other people, ours cannot compare.

Ours are just as important, and life changing. But in comparason, different. I suppose. I am not getting that out right, I know. Coffee is to come.

Now I have my coffee...mind may start working better.... LOL. We have hardly any food in the house. J (DH) heads up that dept. I pay the rent and a few other things, he pays the utilities and groceries. I made mac and cheese and broccoli for the kids last night.

They liked it, but it wasn't a meal. I did take them for a late lunch around 230 at a Chinese Buffet. The same one J told me that his mother would always outrank me in. Lovely.

Right now I am just not so upset. The feeling is so strange to me. things feel pretty cut and dry. I know, however, when he gets home, it will change. I will feel bad, once again, for making him feel bad, and all of that. I have got to stop doing that. I cannot let that run me....or for that matter...RUIN me.

My mind is so clear. I feel like I know what needs to happen. I do want to go at least one time to his counselor, but I dont want to wait til Aug 2nd. I feel we need to seperate, even if for a trial period. See how things go.

Again, it comes back to me, tomorrow is our anniversary. I got him a card. Hard mission. Hallmark...all of the I have loved you so long, we will be together for ever...you are my everything....you have always been there for me,....

They were not fitting.


I got a sort of Humourous one.

Header... With Love on Our Anniversary (couldn't get past that)

Card features 2 dogs. First pic...we've had our smiles...2nd pic we've had our laughs...3rd pic...we've even had some tears.

Open the card. We've not seen eye to eye at times throughout our married years... next pic... we've had some luck, both good and bad (with one thing or another)

Final back inside cover... But always, the best thing of all is that we've had eachother!

Happy anniversary.

The card is fitting. As fitting as I could find anyway. There were no...you've been an sob cards. This card will not make us or break us. But i could not just not get even a card.

I hope he gets me nothing, I hope he plans nothing. I don't want it. I really don't want to celebrate. He is still hung up on the fact that last year it was so called my turn to pick what we would do...Lord knows I tried. J doesn't know... I did search after search. i was going to take him to an Island in NC. I just could not get enough info on it in time. The only thing it lead me to was the wild horses. I was new to not being able to go in the sun because of my meds and I was just ugh. Still even up to about a week ago, he mentions it. Only fair I guess, I remember all of the horrid things he has done to me in our lifetime of living.

Time to get dressed for my walk...taking it easy today....those nearly 9 miles kicked my butt yesterday. Today I will walk slowly like i am not having anyplace to be, nowhere to run. Just walking, and hopefully my mind will be clear of thought, because when it isn't, it is a tearful journey.....

Thank you all...

[Pikantari]

So, I went for my walk, and I text him exactly where I was going. He is still at his sisters.

An hour later he text me back, that was at 7 with his generic duplicate,,"ok, I love you" text.

I am done with that. Why do I have to tell him every move I make. Maybe I should let him know when I go to the bathroom as well.

I am taking the kids to Sunday school and Worship Service. I am afraid to say we have not been in over a year. I feel horrid for that. but it is gonna change. All of his I dont wanna go crap is behind me. He doesn't have to go for us to go.

I am not telling him that we are going, I am just taking them, and going. I am an adult. They are my kids. Maybe he will be back b y then, I dont know. He doesn't text me his every move.

Shoot. I am over it. The kids are up, taking their showers and getting ready. I walked 5.252 miles this am, felt really good. Came home and talked to the neighbor 2 houses down. I am sure J has filled him in on the situation. They are close like that. I didn't care. I talked to him just like normal.

I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK. I AM GOING TO DO IT. I CAN FEEL IT INSIDE OF ME TO DO IT. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

I don't know what will happen when he comes home, I am a very sensitive, emotional person, but I am going to try and hold composure. I am going to try so hard. For me. For my kids. For it all.

Peace be with me Lord give me strength and guidance.

Robyn

[Pixie Dust]

Robyn,

I believe you have already made up your mind about what you want to do and the counselor and everything else is just a formality. We each know what is best for our heart and soul. My prayers are with you as look for answers for you and your children. Sometimes when there is so much hurt and pain in a relationship nothing can make amends. By what you have written it seems like you are at this point. Make sure these are your choices and that there are no outside influences; friends, family members. This is a decision you need to make on your own and not one to take lightly. I wish you the best and PM me when ever you'de like.

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by Pixie Dust

Robyn,

I believe you have already made up your mind about what you want to do and the counselor and everything else is just a formality. We each know what is best for our heart and soul. My prayers are with you as look for answers for you and your children. Sometimes when there is so much hurt and pain in a relationship nothing can make amends. By what you have written it seems like you are at this point. Make sure these are your choices and that there are no outside influences; friends, family members. This is a decision you need to make on your own and not one to take lightly. I wish you the best and PM me when ever you'de like.

It has been really what I have been thinking for a while now. I know its not everyones answer. I just dont feel that there is another.

He got home this morning in plenty of time to go to church with us, and he didn't. Not a single effort. Just went into the bedroom and layed on the bed.

Said he went to the beach last night, went to Yorktown... tra la la. Glad he had a good time. He was not home when we got home from church , but he is now. He did not text me telling me where he was, as I have to with him. I left him a message on his voice mail asking him where he was, that I had to check in with him on my every move.

right now he is asking me what I want to do for our anniversary. I dont know I say. He keeps on...do i want to go to the beach at night... No. He wont stop. Ugh.

I am not getting upset. I am not hurting. I am calm, I am still. I am new.

[vpcats]

Originally Posted by shuke

Some people believe God works through other people. For example, some people would argue that some responses received on a board like this could be examples of God at work. Thus, the person prays for help, does the footwork, and turns the results over to God. Another example of this can be found in this little anecdote, of which I have heard many versions:

One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat. The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away. The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?!"

I like that one. My son, who is very Christian, leaves everything up to God. I keep telling him, God helps those who help themselves.

[vpcats]

Originally Posted by cinderobyn

It has been really what I have been thinking for a while now. I know its not everyones answer. I just dont feel that there is another.

He got home this morning in plenty of time to go to church with us, and he didn't. Not a single effort. Just went into the bedroom and layed on the bed.

Said he went to the beach last night, went to Yorktown... tra la la. Glad he had a good time. He was not home when we got home from church , but he is now. He did not text me telling me where he was, as I have to with him. I left him a message on his voice mail asking him where he was, that I had to check in with him on my every move.

right now he is asking me what I want to do for our anniversary. I dont know I say. He keeps on...do i want to go to the beach at night... No. He wont stop. Ugh.

I am not getting upset. I am not hurting. I am calm, I am still. I am new.

Robyn, Yep! I've read every page of this.

Do you think he's being honest? Do you think there's any chance that he will SEE what's been wrong all these years and do you think he can even change at all? Would you want him to change? Would it make any difference to you? Do you have any feelings left that could make a good marriage if he tried, and maybe you try to change something too?

I know that when everything about someone starts bothering you, then it's tough to think about doing anything to stop what has already been decided, in one's mind - your or his.

You guys have grown up together, have kids, you're still young. Maybe it feels good when he's not home for a few hours, for a night, but is that because you know he WILL be coming back? Have you figured out when there is no more coming back, no more texting, no more accountability, no more anything?

Why would you even want to get gifts or go out for your anniversary? Maybe it's not THE END yet?

Don't take me wrong ok... I've had my share of putting up with some crap and of dishing it out too and I've been ambivalent and I've been determined. It's really hard to be absolutely sure, except when you can stand on your own two feet alone and you know there is definitely no fixing it.

Good luck to you Robyn. I wish you all the best.

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by vpcats

Robyn, Yep! I've read every page of this.

Do you think he's being honest? Do you think there's any chance that he will SEE what's been wrong all these years and do you think he can even change at all? Would you want him to change? Would it make any difference to you? Do you have any feelings left that could make a good marriage if he tried, and maybe you try to change something too?

He hasn't seen it all these years. I don't know if he can change, he didn't the last time, only got worse. I would want him to treat us like human beings. I would want to be treated as well as he treats his family. I don't know if it, at this point would make a differenc. The time for that, I think, has passed. I think I have feelings somewhere, but of what kind, i do not know. I have been changing constantly for more than a month now. he has told me some things he wants me to change, and I have changed them.
I know that when everything about someone starts bothering you, then it's tough to think about doing anything to stop what has already been decided, in one's mind - your or his.

You guys have grown up together, have kids, you're still young. Maybe it feels good when he's not home for a few hours, for a night, but is that because you know he WILL be coming back? Have you figured out when there is no more coming back, no more texting, no more accountability, no more anything?


The knowing he was coming back was awful to me. I felt free when he was not here. The texting has just only begun. His way of knowing my every move. I have accountability for every thing I do, no matter if it includes him or not.

Why would you even want to get gifts or go out for your anniversary? Maybe it's not THE END yet?

I don't want to get gifts, I did get him a card. I felt it wrong not to. He wants to go out or do something for oour anniversary. I have been dreading the very thought of it for a month now...

Don't take me wrong ok... I've had my share of putting up with some crap and of dishing it out too and I've been ambivalent and I've been determined. It's really hard to be absolutely sure, except when you can stand on your own two feet alone and you know there is definitely no fixing it.

Good luck to you Robyn. I wish you all the best.

My answers are within the quote, didn't work out right...

I hope everything works out as it should, that is what I am hoping for. I have been hurting for so long, I don't know that I can turn around and go back. A few years ago, maybe this would be fixable...now, I am not sure on that.

[Pikantari]

A positive note...

The kids and I went to church today, the first time in over a year, and it felt wonderful. Tonight kicked off VBS, the kids and I went there as well.

Good times were had. Dh was here when we got home, outside smoking a cigar. We headed in, and he followed suit. He got in the shower and is now in bed.

I need to do the same thing. This situation is taxing... but i am making positive steps...for my kids. For myself too. If J wants to join us, he is welcome. Thus far, he has not. *sigh*

Feels good to spend time with the kids..makes me happy.