Where is the love? (child, call, advice, couple)

[Pikantari]

I wake in the night yet again. I did not shed a tear yesterday, and right now, the only thing I have is a headache. I have been gritting my teeth in my sleep over it all.

I know what I need to do, and it is a hard decision for me. I am hoping going to my sisters house, and being with family will ease some of my pain and frustrations.

I will let the kids be kids. As much as I hate the trampoline, I will let them get on it. I will get to continue my walking there... the nature is wonderful. There are alot of Amish in the area, it is beautiful country. Hopefully I will be able to work all of this out in my mind and get some peace going on up here. And some comfort behind the decisions I am going to have to make.

Right now, I have love from my childrens eyes, from their actions, I hope that wont change. I know they will be upset, but I hope they will understand. I will not keep them from him. They will always be his children, and he will always be their father.

The decision is so clear in my mind, as I sit here in the dark and quiet, only hearing the noise of the keyboard and the summertime bugs outside.

So clear, but so very hard. So simple, so cut and dry. You do this, or you do that. I know which one is healthy, and I know which one is toxic. So, for me, the question rests on why wont I allow myself to take that step? I know what to do.

I need something for this headache...I hope my migraines aren't resurfacing. Thats all I need. I can't do that right now. I need to stay strong, and focus on being well. If I get back to the 'old' me, I wont have a fighting chance.

He fears change. He fears the 'new Robyn' And that is his name for me. He doesn't like what I have become. The person who no longer allows him to belittle us, talk down to us. The person who stands up to him and is strong.

My health is getting better, my body image is changing. I am not the same. He told me there is a fire burning in my eyes that has never been there before, its true. That fire is to keep him at bay. It is to let him know he cant do this anymore.

But still I have fear. I worry the unknown. I need to stop doing that. I am not the only person in the world that this has happened to. But I am the only one of me it has happened to.

Still I have not shed another tear. Sometimes when I sit and type these things, I get so overwhelmed and upset thinking of my life and future, I cant help it.

The last time was the night after I saw my mothers reflection in the mirror. That next morning was the last time I cried. I still look in the mirror every night since then...I still see her, but the intensity fades, and I smile. For I know He is with me, and He was not with my mother. My mother had not made the choice to bring Him into her life, until close to the end.

I studied with her on the Bible and what we needed to do to get to heaven, my preacher came for visits. On that Christmas Eve when she passed, he was at the house three times. I believe in my heart that she accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as her Savior.

In the beginning her biggest question was how do I know. How do I know these things happened. Like how do I know he died for our sins, or that he was resurrected, etc. I told her that that is where Faith stepped in. That is where faith and belief step in.

I need to re evaluate my own self, I have Him, but I need faith and belief in my own self. The Lord has carried me for all of these years, and now he is giving me the opportunity to try and walk on my own, with Him walking beside me, he is giving me strength. Now I need to trust in myself and let faith step in.

Funny how you can be thinking of one thing and it can lead you to another. The human brain, complex.

Robyn.......and I did get coffee...

I love you all

[HDL]

You did good for 3 am Robyn!! Still reading all your posts and 'cheering you on:-) Keep seeking God and putting your faith and trust in Him and YOU WILL get through all of this and come out stronger than ever!

Hugs and prayers,

~HDL~

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by HDL

You did good for 3 am Robyn!! Still reading all your posts and 'cheering you on:-) Keep seeking God and putting your faith and trust in Him and YOU WILL get through all of this and come out stronger than ever!

Hugs and prayers,

~HDL~

Thanks HDL! You know, He IS with me. I feel Him always, everywhere I go. I was sitting here typing, and I was lead to a different topic... I was realizing that my mom needed to have faith, but in turn, so do I. I need to have the faith that things will be ok, and believe it, before i can even begin to achieve it.

Now its after 4 and my alarm goes off in an hour...headin for the bed!

[Pikantari]

This morning my alarm didn't go off. I know it was set. I woke up about 15 minutes after the time I get home from my daily walk.

Did he turn it off? He left before it was time for it to go off. He complains that I am changing, my health, my body, my thoughts.

I have not missed a walk since i started. Won't (well, will try not) to let it get me down!

I will focus it on.....I needed the extra sleep for my drive in the morning to go to my sisters house. Also, which he doesn't want me to go...or I should take the bus. Hmm...

Sometimes, I feel like I need a train ticket. That wouldn't solve anything, but it would feel good to get away.....if only for an instant. Maybe I will buy him a bus ticket.

I bought my coffee...TG! LOL I am actually drinking extra today, I know, I hope I am not faltering. Yesterday at work at about noon I almost fell out on my desk, I couldn't even stay awake. I had to get some emergency tea at lunch... LOL emergency Tea. I have cut out my caffeine intake all but a sm cup of coffee in the am. I have my huge Tinkerbell mug this morning.

Do you guys see me as Tinkerbell... I love everything Tinkerbell.

Sadness does not overcome me this morning. It hasn't for the past few days. I am so glad of that. Anger and frustration. I do battle with those emotions. Those battles happen at the end of my day, when I come home from work and have to deal with J. Will he be jekyl, or will he be Hyde. Will he be both? At this point...I don't like either person....at all.

C-D has really helped me. Coming here and letting me pour it all all out, even if there is judgement, works wonders for me. To be in this community of wonderful people, and friends is just great. There could be no better place. I can go back, and look at the days.

I can see the days where I am so low. I am so low that it looks like I can't possibly pick myself up. I read on. It may take a few days, I put my feelings out there. I read, I post. I am getting there.

I have said in a recent previous post that I have not shed a tear, just now, I can feel my heart, I can feel my heart opening up. I am shedding tears now.

These are not the same kind of tears. These are tears of.....

What are they? How do I feel right now? I feel like things are going to be ok. I feel like I am going to make it, I don't know what I will do to get to my exact point, but I know that there will be that point.

My tears are of happiness, for this place, my tears are of happy expectations, for my life ahead. I have grieved my life, I have let myself feel guilty for hurting J by telling him how I feel. Those tears have come and gone so many times.

These are different. These are not like ones I have ever had before. When I put my finger on exactly what they are.....I will let you know. You know I will,, I am smiling as I typed that line, just a small grin, but my dimples are showing. A tear still rolling down the right side of my face.

But the tear..it is not of sadness or pain. That makes me feel so good.

I must ready myself for work.... Peace be with you all....

Robyn

...and really, I am gettin it back.... for a while there, I didn't think I was...and I was thinking, maybe I just need to go back to being a senior member, or something like what is my purpose..... but for now, I will not change it, and when I do, it wont be gettin it... It will be much more positive

[MsV]

I think you are ready for both a personal therapist, AND a support group experience...you have so much to discuss, it would be comforting for you to sit with others who have similar issues, as well as I believe you have so much insight and empathy to offer others. Support groups are a real threat to professional counselors bec they work, and they are FREE. Think about this, it's could be as beneficial as taking a walk, and I think you would enjoy the personal connection...and yes, I can see you with a Tinkerbell coffee cup!

[Pikantari]

So...I was ok this morning, but once I got to work, not so ok. Tearful, and not the good ones, like this morning.

Kind of ....scared tears. Upset and scared. Worried. I didn't think I could make it through the day. I am at lunch now, and I am gonna go back. The good thing about the lateness of my lunch hour is that when I go back, there are only 3 hours left in the day....unless the drs are being slow or we have long winded patients. Will have to check out the pm sched.

I was a wreck this morning, an absolute train wreck. Hopefully this weekend will lend some respite.

I'll get a walk in in the morning, maybe one this afternoon, since I didn't get one this morning...gonna grab my pedometer and mp3 while i am here at home...

I'll get myself and the kids ready for tomorrows trip and be on my way.

We will not be taking the bus.

[Pikantari]

I have been up nearly 24 hours. The worst day of my life, besides losing my parents.

I was planning on getting up this morning and going to maryland with the kids. Plans change. We all know that. J was talking to his sister about going somewhere and he said well, I will have the kids, and I overheard, and said no you wont, they will be w me in Maryland.

He said you are not taking them to Maryland. Says my car is not in good enough shape. Keeps saying no I am not, I keep saying yes I am, then finally ask if he is forbidding me, he says yes.

After that, I am done arguing. I ask lindsay is she want to go for a walk, She does. We went. I called my sister and told her what went on, she said if there was anything wrong with the car she would pay to get it fixed di I want her to talk to J..I thought this was the most upsetting part of my evening. Not by far.

I got home w Lindssay and he was draggin Alexander out the door with 2 bags of clothes telling Lindsay to come on, they are going to his sisters house. I say no you are not. The kids stay in the house. We are back and forth. I tell the kids to go in the living room. J drags Alexander, he resists him, I tell him to get off of him, he doesn't want to go, he yells at them to come on, we are leaving, I scream NO!

I called the police. My phone kept breaking up. I felt like I was losing my kids. They made their way to the LR. I found the home phone and called 911 again, they asked if there where any weapons involved, I was steadily saying no you aren't taking them, the dispatch on the phone the whole time, he was arguing back, yelling at the kids, the kids crying, so scared. The police got there.

Oh Lord Jesus. He was still trying to drag them out the door. They asked him to step out side....god i am shaking so bad right now. I told them the whole story, they said what about before today...so I told him how he belittled us...for about ten years, and so forth, then they brought him in, and he told them my car wasn't fit to drive, and I said look at his truck... my car is 7 years old, his is 23. there was no physical dipute, there was nothing they could do, but if they were called back, one of us, the aggressor was going to jail.

Just as soon as they left he tried to take them again. he kept telling me to get out of his way, I kept blockingg his path. He said I am a 350 lb man and I am trying to stay calm right now Robyn. MOVE. NO i say NO YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY KIDS.. he kept trying though... He had called his sister when the police where inside talking to me, I didn't know it, but they where on their way over here. That means his siter, mother and BIL. He kept trying to take the kids and I kept fighting him.

I dont know why he stopped finally...oh, his cell phone rang. I told Lindsay to get int he shower and Alexander to get his pjs on. I was going to have them sleep in my bed with me, to keep them close so he couldn't take them. I put Shrek in the DVD, and he came in there and got us all.

We had to come out into the living room and he explained how I was trying to cause them harm and he didn't want that, etc. He said that I wanted him to go to jail, and I didn't, and I tried to say that, but he said you dont talk, I don't wan t to hear anything from you. When he was trying to take them earlier in the night, he told them I was crazy and on drugs, not in my right mind.

His phone rang again, and he said ok, all of a sudden, his mother, sister and BIL were here. I was like oh Hell no. I had 4 people to contend w now. Thye all came in. Bil cornered me in the hallway and was trying to get me to promise not to take the kids to MD. He said just let us take them to our house w J. I said no.. you guys are not coming into my house and ganing up on me and taking my kids. This went on for what seemed an eternity. I pulled him further into the hallway. I told him all about J, all about everything he has done, and that I could not take it anymore. I said I dont need to promise anyone that I am not taking MY kids somewhere.

Once again my car comes up..WTH! We talked and talked, then MIL comes around the corner and hugs me......hmm, I thought that was ok, then she starts saying these are my grandchildren and you cant just go taking them to Maryland like that and blahblahblah. I was getting very mad, I told her she was no one to tell me what I could or could not do with my kids. I looked at BIL and he knew exactly what I meant. She kept on at me.

Heres the story with that. She allowed her daughter to be molested for years by one of her dh and did nothing. Now, I am going to let her tell me what I can do w my kids...I dont think so. BIL knew...that is his wife. I was getting so mad, I was going to explode and she wouldn't shut up. I opened my daughters door and slammed my hand into the door jam about 5x. She still wouldn't stop. I pushed her aside and ran out the door in my pajamas down the street.

I felt woosy. I got a few houses down, in the complete darkness and leaned up against a pole. I was hyperventilating. i couldn't stop. BIL found me. he tryed to calm me down and get my breathing regular. We talked and talked and came to an agreement. They would take the kids to their house, and neither J nor myself would have access to them this weekend and there would be no down talk about me going on.

We continue talking, I was so upset. He says you can talk to me, I say no I can't you are her husband, you are with them. He said I am not taking sides. I have been through a divorce before. I dont know exactly how you feel, but maybe some of it. I told him I felt alone. My family is all up in Maryland, I have no one, He says you have me, I say no I dont. Talking for a long time.

Police drive up to the house...shininig lights around. go up to mu house, then spot us. Come to me and ask if I am ok, did I hit my head, did I try to hurt myself, do I feel like I could cause myself bodily harm...no no no. BIL says I hit my hand on the wall not my head. Cop stood there looking at me for a minute and left.

Then J and MIL left a few mins after the 2 police cars. I say where are they going? Probably just for a ride. So, a plan has been made. BIL says he will talk to each individual person, and if they cannot agree, he will wash his hands of it and that is it. OK. So I go to the house...1230 am.

His siter apologizes for how she talked to me on the phone earlier...she was really rotten. She said how did you get like this so all of a sudden, you guys were happy...I say this was not all of a sudden, its ten years strong. On and on and on. Finally J and MIL get back, get the kids all ready and they and SIL leave. I say to J....who is outside? No one. I say no, I hear someone... I saw BIL out there. I thought nothing of it. I really didn't know how many vehicles they came in.

So, J and I went to the LR and he says what happens now, and I started telling him how I thought it was wrong, what he did, and I dont know what happens, but I cant live like this anymore. I am just talking, oblivious to anything but the 2 of us and a police officer says to me...do you want to put some different shoes on?

OK...there is a cop in my house. I said for what. He says i am serving you with these papers. What papers? Your family thinks your behavior is unstable and they have gone to the Magistrate and I will talk to you about it when we get out side.

I say can I get dressed? Yes. So I got some jeans and a t shirt, socks and shoes and slipped my cell phone in my pocket and came out of the room. he was ready to roll. I said wait a minute. I have rights here. If you are serving me with papers, who started up the papers? Your family he says.... who in my family I say. MIL. OIC... YEP.. He took my arm. I asked if I could get my glasses. he said yes, I put them on and we went outside.

he said I am going to escort you to a mental facility where you will be examined and found out whether or not you need to be hospitalized. Your family states you have been exibiting bizarre behavior.

He opened the back of the police car and put me in. No cuffs. MIL, BIL, and dh all went too. I said all of them are going too, will they be in there with me>? he said the person who filed the complaint has to go in and tell their side. MIL.

So we got there. We had to wait for the counselor to get there. It took a long time. he asked me how I got where I was and I told him j and my history. I told him I wasn't crazy and I didn't deserve to be sitting i the back of a cop car. He said it wasn't his fault. when someone files a complaint he has to comply, but he agreed, that when he saw me earlier he thought I was fine.

We talked forever until the counselor got there. He unlocked the back of the care and I got out. He escorted me into a small room. MIL talked to the lasy first. I fell asleep waiting. She finally came in and woke me.

Told me that Mil was concerned over some of my recent bizarre behaviors and thought I was psychotic. I said what are my behaviors.

Waking in the night, exercising, writing in a journal, losing weight. OMG.

I wake in the night because I cant sleep! I exercise because now I feel good! I have lost weight because I am exercising! Iwrite in a journal because it is good therapy...just like this...I told her I post too... I asked her if any of those behaviors were bizarre. She said no.

I told her of how a little over a month ago, I recieved a message, how my physical pain ended, and my emotional pain shone through... how I became strong, strong enough to talk to dh about how I felt. I talked to her about losing my parents. I told her everything. I told her why I got so mad about MIL trying to tell me what to do w my kids...

Before I went into that room and she said first I well talk to her and then you, I said will you then talk to us together? She said yes if thats what you want. Oh thats what I wanted.

Well, she found me to be sane. She thought I was under stress, and that I was at the end of the road. Yes I know this. She saif MILs can be a pain in the A$$. They should not meddle. She gave me a hug. My insurance will be billed for this.

We left the room and went to the other big area. The cop said looks like we are all done? I said oh no we are not. We need to talk to her now. He said, well, in me taking you here, it is my duty to bring you home, if you dont leave now you will have to ride w her. fine I said..have a nice day. Officer Erie.

I asked the counselor to go over my bizarre behaviors w MIL and explain what they all mean to her, and she did, and told her that they weren't bizarre at all, but an eye opening exp, a life changing experience for me. I was calm. I said now, I want to tell you why I got so upset with you... No, she says, now is not the time for that. LOL... She knew why I was upset. Every time I wanted to say something she wouldn't let me.

The lady looked at me and said just stay calm....I am calm, I said. MIL says to me, I don't want you to have any regrets. We need to get home and get rest and we can talk later. OMGOMGOMG

She is crazy. She has me wisked off, in a police car, for possible institution...

Bil and J were utside in seperate vehicles to pick us up. i rode in my car w BIL. He said he had no idea. I believed him, because he was outside w me the whole time, and he said he talked to J. J didn't know that in doing this, that is what would happen.

This is it. I am calling my boss tomorrow and taking off work monday and filing for seperation and something having to do w custody, I dont know.

And I thought him ripping up the anniversary card was the straw that broke the camels back. I think this did it.... would you agree?

[MsV]

OMG! Robyn, I would have been gone long ago. I've been wondering if he was going to let you take the kids to MD, or if he didn't, was he even going to be there with the kids when you got back. Dear, rest assured, you are NOT crazy. PRaying for you. MsV

[Synopsis]

What they attempted to do was deplorable and I think you should talk to an attorney for your own good. I hope you are okay; you're in my prayers.

[sun]

Because married parents have 50/50 custody of their children, either of them have the right to veto any out of state visit, and it's only fair that both have to agree to let the children go or the children stay home. I'm sorry to say but whether there are marital problems or not, one parent just can't unilaterally decide that issue alone. Either stay home with the kids or go visit your family alone. IMO, trying to take the children on a trip without the consent of the other parent was a mistake.
It shows a lack of consideration for the rights of the other parent, and leads to questions about a person's judgement.
The poor decision led to the spat, the calls to the police and the subsequent request for a psychiatric evaluation.
IMO both parties need marital counseling whether they both want to save their mariage or not. And it's actually mandated before any divorce is granted that involves children in CT.