spending time with spouse (wife, married, guys, love)
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So my husband the other day was complaining that a) he does not have enough free time, and b) that he feels guilty doing some of the activities he likes, because it means not spending time with me, and I make him feel guilty for that.
My husband works 80 hours per week, so that alone makes it so that he has very little free time. Although he doesn't have any friends (and neither do I here yet), he has a few activities that he spends time on, approximately 8 hours per week (out of the house). After work, chores, and his activities are taken into account, we don't have a lot of time together. We're in our late 20's/early 30's and have been married a few years (no kids).
I'm okay with the amount of time we spend together, although I wish it could be more, and I admit that, like he says, sometimes I do ask him not to go to his sports activities because I want us to spend more time together, as he was complaining about.
He says that if I had a job that was like his (i.e. 80 hours per week) this issue would be resolved because I wouldn't be so needy about wanting more time with him. However, I had enough trouble finding work when we moved here, and unless I find a waitressing job or something, I wouldn't be able to have a job that took up 80 hours per week.
I don't like the idea of my husband feeling that I'm a needy wife, but on the other hand, we moved here a year and a half ago knowing no one. We have no family anywhere in the area, and I have tried hard to make friends but it just hasn't happened yet. So he is my only friend here. It's not that fun to go everywhere alone because he's always at work--and I like going out and doing things, but I go alone, since he's always at work.
I'm not sure what perspective to take on this. Any thoughts?
What exactly are these activities that he does? Which sports?
Just curious: why it matters. Not the gym, if anyone is wondering.
Anyhow, I really want him to enjoy his free time, and I encourage participation in his activities, but at the same time I want us to spend quality time together, and he has such little free time.
1) Maybe you could go out together and switch off activities. You go to a sporting event...he does something you like to do...etc...
2) Or maybe you guys could agree on a set amount of days per month that are his to do with whatever he wants (since this seems to be his issue...not that you are the keeper of his time, of course)
3) Get a Wii. It's a lot of fun. It's something that my husband and I both enjoy. It has helped us spend more fun time together. We play the sports, It's competitive and active!
4) You join a club. Something fun like pottery or belly dancing. Something that will bring in people who are taking the class as a hobby not part of a curriculum. That way you can meet some people in your area and you will be cutting down on your "bored" time.
5) I guess the basic issue is Does he ever want to spend time together? Is it work 80 hours, and now all he wants to do is have his time? I guess if he is showing no interest in spending time with you, that's another issue with a very different list.
I guess my ideal view of how a "family" operates is that everyone is very involved in things they enjoy, and then they happily converge as a family unit (or couple) to recharge, recap, regroup, relax.
So I tend to feel like maybe you need to find more things that really engage you so that you are developing that "autonomous" side.
But obviously, you two should also spend quality time together, and should find things that you enjoy doing together.
There is also the issue of "right now" - since you've moved to a new area and you haven't developed a circle of friends. So "right now" he might want to devote more time to doing things with you than he might need to do a year from now.
PS - sorry I need to run, sore throat and my 6 year old is driving me crazy asking if she can type and/or put in smilies (and she's reading this PS and laughing).
Last edited by goldenmom7500; 01-14-2008 at 07:50 PM..
Part of the problem is that while we have lots in common, and enjoy doing many things together, our hobbies are very different. For instance, we love cooking dinner together and make that a special time to be together. There are lots of other things we like to do together, which we do do, but when it comes to hobbies, he likes sports and I like girly activities, like stitch and ***** and cooking classes. He does not want to do these things with me, and conversely I am not athletic in the least and don't have any interest in his activities.
When you take into account his working 80 hours per week, sleep, him coming home and falling asleep on the couch from exhaustion most days, eating dinner/chores, there isn't much time to spend together. I guess sometimes I feel sad when he makes sure to carve out special time each week for all of his sports, but does not do the same with our special time--our time is just whenever it fits into his schedule (since my schedule is so much more flexible and I only work part-time). As a result when I feel sad when he's ready to go off to do his sports, he thinks I'm needy (which I admit I am because I have no social support here), and he gets upset saying I'm keeping him from doing the activities he loves.
So I guess what I'm asking is when one spouse has such a demanding job, how much time should he get to do his activities when he's married and needs to spend time with his wife as well? I want to work something out that feels fair to both of us, respecting the time that he should have to relax after work with his activities, have personal time to himself, and spend time with me. I feel bad because he has so little personal time to himself, you know, time to call his family, read for fun, etc. I don't think he's read an actual book in years b/c of his demanding job. I want him to have more time for himself, too, but I also want to spend more time together.
So he works 80 hours a week, and does not want to spend his free time with you? Thats not very nice.
I wouldn't put it that way. I'd say he wants to spend his free time with me, but he also carves out special time in his schedule for his sports activities. And sometimes when he goes out to do them, when I feel like we haven't seen each other in several days, I get sad and ask him not to go, to instead spend time with me. He always goes anyway.
I think what you are carving out in that post is quite fair. I think the answer is that he is not spending "enough" time with you, since you are feeling like you need more time with him. It's difficult to lay out exactly what is fair - I mean, it's too bad he has to work 80 hours a week (I assume he can't cut back), and his sports probably allow him to unwind and destress. But, he should find a way to spend "more" time with you. Maybe start small - specify one night a week (this is in addition to whatever you have worked out right now) for you two to do something special together.
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But anyway, some sports are done more for exercise and others more for camaraderie.
