Should I not be upset about this? (dating, marriage, girl)
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I have been dating this guy for 1.5 years, and I have been having trouble with him every time there's a holiday (or birthday/valentine's day) coming up.
In the first 6 month, he kept telling me he wasn't a gift person and he doesn't buy girl gifts. He bought me a $20 teddy bear and he brought it over and over again that he spent "lots of money" on me. Then one day I found out he in the past got a $150 dress for his ex. I got really mad at him and felt like I wasn't as special as his ex to him.
The weird thing is that their relationship didn't even last long, and he kept telling me how much he didn't like his ex, because she doesn't have the beauty, humor, ambition and intelligence that I have. But he could buy her nice stuff without her asking for it?
That whole gift thing bothers me a lot, he got me some gifts over the last 1.5 years, but every time was because I had a fight with him. I just don't understand why he was so happy to pick out a dress for his ex and never happy to get me ANYTHING without being asked. He lightly described that the dress he got for his ex was "ONLY $150, VERY cheap". Then when he got me a dress (after a fight), he kept saying it was such a big/fancy purchase because it was $180!
He's working overseas now and probably won't be back for Xmas and Valentine's day. Before he left, he kept saying he wants us to be married when he returns, and he's taking this relationship very seriously, etc.
Then, he told me he won't get me any gift for xmas because 1) small gifts are too small and I won't be happy with them; 2) big gifts should be given in person and he's not in the US. I wasn't happy about the way he made up excuses, so I said how about you get me a $15 mickey mouse from Disney?
He said --well, I intended to get you something but it's already too late for Xmas, and I'm don't want to buy anything online.
When I asked about Valentine's day, he said he won't get me anything nice. It will be something small, because he's not comfortable picking a gift online.
I don't know if I should be upset about this - but I kept thinking he only wanted nice things for his ex, but not for me. How could he want to marry me if he is so stingy about getting me gift of $15?
Is he taking me for granted? Is he using the marriage thing to keep me around and buy himself more time? He blows off every time there's a special day to celebrate, and it's been shown like a pattern.
Odd situation. I'm guessing one of two things: something about his past relationship has left him bitter about gifts or he has a problem with obligatory gift giving.
You two don't sound like a good match. I can't imagine interrogating someone in December about what he might buy me for Valentine's Day, especially since I don't care about the day to begin with. And giving a guy grief for only spending $180 on you ... wow. I think you need to find someone who sees eye to eye with you about material things.
I am also wondering ... what kind of gifts do you buy him?
Obviously you should not be upset..I think he was just trying to save money, you know you will really need the money in the future.
yeah I understand that, but I just hate to think about I never had a decent Valentine's day or Xmas with him, and he bothered to pick out a dress for his ex for Valentine's day in 2009.
So he didn't want to save money then and now when he's with me, he wants to save his money?
Am I the only weird one in this world?...I really think a gift, no matter how small, shows love and appreciation. And the absence of gift means the absence of love/seriousness.
Years ago, my husband was in a relationship prior to our relationship. I knew her and she just used him 100%. I used to hear her talk about him and I actually felt sorry for him (not even knowing him at the time). Well, she was very pretty and all that and one day, after he and I were married, I found his scrapbook from his childhood and young adult life. In it was a picture of a dress that was $700 - this was around 1980. That was a huge amount of money. He had it circled and that he bought it for her.
It really bothered me as well. In the beginning, I had brought more to the relationship than he did (home, assets, business) and I felt at times maybe he was taking advantage. But, I truly loved him and now the tables are reversed. We've been married 27 years, 2 children, all the hills and valleys and you need to communicate.
Make sure you show him he is appreciated. Communicate - but don't nag - as to what you like. I can still remember the first time my husband put something on his credit card for me and it was 16 years after we got married. But, like I said, things have changed; I'm no longer the major breadwinner and he has stepped up. There are times when I'm there for him and vice versa - it's a true partnership! I love him dearly.
You two don't sound like a good match. I can't imagine interrogating someone in December about what he might buy me for Valentine's Day, especially since I don't care about the day to begin with. And giving a guy grief for only spending $180 on you ... wow. I think you need to find someone who sees eye to eye with you about material things.
I am also wondering ... what kind of gifts do you buy him?
I would appreciate anything (any cheap gift) if he could remember it for me without me asking. I expect gifts (even small gifts) on holidays, but he never bought me anything. So I always received late gifts (always AFTER Xmas, AFTER Valentine, AFTER birthday) as a result of fighting.
I didn't grief him for $180 purchase, I was just upset with the fact that he couldn't give me anything nice without me asking for it
sounds like after spending that kind of money on his EX hes now warey to spend that kind of money again with the possibility of the relationship not lasting...
also, no offense, but you come across as very materialistic in your post, your mad because he spent more money in his past relationship...
and you have to "fight" with him to get him to buy you stuff? it comes across as somewhat spoilt...
just be happy for the gifts you do get, he may feel pressured into buying you things and worries your just using him...
gifts should be a nice gesture, cost shouldnt matter!
personally id STOP asking completly stop mentioning it, get him a little gift here and there to show you care but see if, once the pressure to buy you stuff is off...bhe is more apt to actually pick up a meaningfull gift here and there.
Yeah that's what i believed. I have been telling him how I view a gift - to me it's not about money, it's a way to show love and affection
He promised me he learned it's important for him to do nice things without me asking. But it didn't matter. After 1.5 years, after I communicated my ideas to him millions of times, he still couldn't do it.
What I hate to think about is he had the ability to get his ex nice things without being asked; but he can't do the same with me.
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I can relate
