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I've had the same best friend for 10 years. It's pretty much the only long-lasting relationship I've ever had in my life. I haven't had much luck with other relationships--that includes friendships and romantic-type relationships.
Anyhoo, my BFF got remarried two years ago and moved to DC (very far away from where I am). At first, it was all cool and we were still close because we called each other a couple times a week. We at least spoke once a week. Then, her and her husband bought a really nice house and she seemed to get really involved in decorating her house (to the extent of being more interested in decorating than talking to me). At the same time, I was planning to come up to visit her so both of us could visit NYC together...and I was really excited about the trip.
I kept trying to call her to make plans for our NYC vacation, but she was always busy....either at a furniture store or doing something with inlaws. So, I ended up canceling my plans to fly up to DC to see her (citing financial reasons, but mostly I was just mad and decided I didn't want to be around her).
I still care about her, and I want us to still be friends. And, for the first time in a couple months, she called and left a message saying we should talk and catch up. Should I mention the fact that her behavior hurt my feelings? I feel like certain actions on her part were really inconsiderate. Does that even matter? I don't want to sound like a difficult person, but I don't ever remember her apologizing to me for anything. So, I'm not sure she'd ever agree that she was ever at fault in this situation. But, I'm tired of being the only person who ever apologizes for anything. Grr.
People still say Anyhoo? That's awesome! I'm glad I'm not the only one..
Anyhoo...
My belief is this: Talking through things is always better than keeping things bottled up inside...
...but I would be careful here. A lot of times when this type of situation comes up, the person who feels slighted ends up basically accusing the other of doing wrong. It's important that she knows how you feel, but at the same time, she has to hear it in a way that doesn't make her feel like you're accusing her of something.
For example: Instead of saying, "You've just been too busy to talk to me.", try saying, "I feel like we haven't really talked in awhile, and I miss talking to you."
or: Instead of saying, "You were too busy to see me, even though we made plans for me to visit you there.", try, "I know you've had a lot going on, but I would still like to come visit you sometime. We made plans before, but it didn't work out.. Do you think we could try again sometime?"
Point is, tell her how you feel, but do it in a way that is healthy for the friendship.
And as for always apologizing, just don't apologize anymore. Just let it go..
Above is great advise! I am in total agreement.
It's so important to "explain how you feel" rather than try to make it a wrong doing.
Also, keep in mind your relationship has changed. She's married, has a new home and has a new life. It's not realistic to think that you'll have the same type of relationship you did before.
Best wishes.
broach the subject gently, maybe, depending on your relationship, do it by poking a couple of light jokes, see how it goes.
it's entirely different for men, we can not see someone for years, we accept that our friend can drop off the face of the earth, then all of a sudden we're best friends again, we do things slightly differently.
MM is right too, it's real hard to keep a friendship going when new marriages etc are involved, my g/f went from seeing her friends 2 or 3 times a week, then to 2 or 3 times a month, then only once a month, she says she's still best friends, and still loves them dearly, but just can't make the same time to see them.
best friends are like a good book, you don't always use them, but you know where they are if you need them.
I've had the same best friend for 10 years. It's pretty much the only long-lasting relationship I've ever had in my life. I haven't had much luck with other relationships--that includes friendships and romantic-type relationships.
Anyhoo, my BFF got remarried two years ago and moved to DC (very far away from where I am). At first, it was all cool and we were still close because we called each other a couple times a week. We at least spoke once a week. Then, her and her husband bought a really nice house and she seemed to get really involved in decorating her house (to the extent of being more interested in decorating than talking to me). At the same time, I was planning to come up to visit her so both of us could visit NYC together...and I was really excited about the trip.
I kept trying to call her to make plans for our NYC vacation, but she was always busy....either at a furniture store or doing something with inlaws. So, I ended up canceling my plans to fly up to DC to see her (citing financial reasons, but mostly I was just mad and decided I didn't want to be around her).
I still care about her, and I want us to still be friends. And, for the first time in a couple months, she called and left a message saying we should talk and catch up. Should I mention the fact that her behavior hurt my feelings? I feel like certain actions on her part were really inconsiderate. Does that even matter? I don't want to sound like a difficult person, but I don't ever remember her apologizing to me for anything. So, I'm not sure she'd ever agree that she was ever at fault in this situation. But, I'm tired of being the only person who ever apologizes for anything. Grr.
Well, the area I highlighted is the hinge on which the discussion turns. Was it just you making the plans, or the both of you making the plans? If you simply had it in your head to buzz up to DC and then head north to NYC, and never really formulated any plans with her, then you're really mad at her because she has a busy life right now. That kind of stuff happens in life. When people's situations in life changes there is inevitably a shift in the relationship with the friends.
If, on the other hand, she was part of the planning and then just went silent on you, then it's another issue entirely. If that's the case, then it sounds as if your friend has cut you off, or decided to cool things. If that's the case, a heart-to-heart is probably in order.
But, to be honest, it sounds as if you have a one-way friendship.
Great advice UrbanBlasphemy !!
I agree completely...
Have a heart to heart without putting your friend on the defensive .
Learn from what you have experienced and grow forward and continue being one of her best friends, understanding that distance will make the everyday contacts less. Be a friend she loves hearing from because you are happy, full of life and make others feel good..
I love this quote.... Life surrounds us with teachers, if we are but willing to learn. Actually, everyone and everything in our life is our teacher. They teach by example something we'd like to attain or something we'd like to abandon.
I don't think she meant any harm and I wont dwell on it. She has a new life with added responsiblity. I don't think it was done intentionally.Just understand it as a part of life's changes. It will happen to you too. I have one best friend. We don't see each other very often. Maybe a few times per year and we don't talk that often either but when we do we go on and on. Sometimes we get caught up with work, running a household, family etc. I don't nit pick about small things. If she doesn't return my call, I don't sit and wait for it, I simply call her back. Unlike most people I also enjoy my own company. I have tons of acquaintances. I also like to shop alone. I love to laugh and chit chat etc but I am also a very private person so I may be a bit different. My advise to you is not to make a mountain of it. She was just going through the adjustments of a new marraige, new inlaws, new home etc.
Yes sometimes I know it can appear one sided but thats human behavior. Even in marriage it can appear one sided and we have to accept some persons with their faults. The good thing is that you don't have to live with her ! Enjoy the friendship.
What I learned in the school yard in grade school about how it is with girlfriends has served me in life. Say your best friend all of a sudden gets a new best friend, or your usual group of friends seem to be dis-including you all of a sudden, and it hurts your feelings. The best thing you can do is get a little hard to get. I noticed that making them come to me, instead of acting needy, always worked.
Everyone's suggestion to take what happened lightly is good. Your friend was, indeed, busy with a new house and husband, so you shouldn't take it personal. Tell her you would still love to come see her when things calm down, and you look forward to seeing her again. Then let her suggest the time. It wouldn't hurt to let her get your voicemail a few times before she gets hold of you. Even if you are totally bored and lonely without her, don't let it seem like it.
Often as one person enters a new phase in their life, one or another is still in the same context of the original situation and the transition can be difficult, especially when there are miles and miles between the two. I went through this as each of my gal pals got married, one new house after another, and then again when they started having children and I can't tell you the countless times plans were cancelled or ignored, but I totally understood it was just the course of life. Friends I talked to every day I now talk to once or twice a year. Some I just get a photo Christmas card from once a year with their kids on it and that's all.
It really has nothing at all to do with you. UB has given you the best advice on how to handle the subject.
Expecting apologies or laying blame is a quick way to end a long relationship. Don't do either one. No game playing. You're adults now.
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I'm glad I'm not the only one.. 
