Need advice on how to cut ties with a toxic/abusive relationship? (Asian, men)

[ManhattanGirlz]

He is my uncle. But raised me. I look at him as my father. even though he does not feel the same. he always CORRECTS me and tell me i am his NEICE!

He is 85. in excellent health! I am cancer survivior. i beat it.
i have a little girl. sweet as pie.

my dad adopted a little boy years ago. the child is now 32. i look at him as my brother. but the bias and blatant prejudice my dad has shown me is unbearable. i am bi racial. my brother is caucasian and has 2 kids. my dad treats my daughter the same way he treated me coming up. kept me hidden! although my daughter's dad was italian and she looks more italian.

his mean spirit and prejudice have taken it's toll. my daughter invites him to events. he declines. my neice invites him and he accepts. ALWAYS! it has gone on for years. yes i have allowed it. i own it. but now that my daughter is 12, she thinks something is wrong with her. final straw was she invited him to a girl's basketball game bus trip. he said yes! she was overjoyed. now he says my sister in law says her child wants to go, so they signed up for it & ACCIDENTALY PUT HIS NAME DOWN ON THE FORUM INSTEAD OF HERS. !!!?? (how can you do that)? the solution seemed simple. I suggested we keep our original plans, and she take her daughter. we invited him!!! . he said "i can't do that i might hurt their feelings" well what about my daughter's? when he told her she was crushed!! this happens all the time. my daughter was done with him because of his constant verbal abuse with me. but wanted to try. he accuses me of turning her against him, when actually sometimes i LIE so she won't be hurt..

but she know came to this on her own. too many heart breaks and dissappointments.

i am taking a break. i know he is old. but he functions like a 60 year old! but i am so stressed i am sick constanly. my daughter as well! we treat him very kindly. they USE him. i just don't get it.

he does not understand my silence. i can't explain. everytime i try to tell him hoe his behavior affects us he says i am too sensitive. or he is not mean. but ask my neighbors and our mailman! all have witnessed his verbal abuse and commented.

he thinks how he treats us is fine. and now 2 relatives have called me saying i am ungrateful. they never heard his abuse. and he lies9hate saying that about my dad) and leaves out part of the story. he told them i was mad at him for taking my neice to a basketball game. leaving out we had invited him first and he switched up as always....

yes. he did raise me. yes. he did help me pay to repair my car 2 years ago. but what do you do when the person who is causing you so much pain is your own relative.
I LOVE HIM SOOOOO MUCH! but i love my child more! and i am so tired of seeing her cry and being sick because of his him.

i have tried just turning a blind eye. my child cannot.
thanks in advance.

[gvillesux]

how do you cut ties, it is simple. you don't answer the phone or the door and you don't initiate contact. send him a letter in the mail explaining you are done if you must, but other than that no contact PERIOD.

keep in mind he is 85 so odds are this won't go on much longer anyway. and he certainly is not going to change his ways now. so the question is, do you cut contact for his final years or do you overlook them and try to enjoy what little you can with him? only you can decide, and while cutting ties with family is rarely ever easy folks do it every day.

[purehuman]

Have you told him how his lies and broken promises have created great disapointment and heartache for your daughter???Do you think that he cares??If not, then it's probably best that you quit interacting with this man, as he is so toxic to your daughters self esteem.Loving a man is not reason enough for you to allow him to continually sicken your daughter with grief, you should cut your ties for her sake!!!Don't approach him anymore....wait untill he comes to you, and if he doesn't, at least your daughter won't be caught in the middle of it, hoping for something that never seems to come......sorry.

[malamute]

Yes, only you can decide. That which does not destroy you only makes you stronger. Your daughter like you will be stronger and better able cope with difficult situations if you teach her this. It might not be just racism either, there could be some sexism involved. Some men value the children of their sons a little more for some reason.

[Keeper]

I have to say I am sorry for your pain but I know in dealing with 85 yo folks they can be mean and still be physically fit. My Mother said terrible things about my sister and her children even though she lived behind my sister's house. I am sure she said bad things about me too. It is what it is. I never responded so she couldn't go and cause problems between my sister and me.

Just tell him you love him but you don't like the way he is treating your daughter. If and when he decides to treat you both with respect he can expect you do so in return.

It isn't your fault.. you are only responsible for your own actions not his

[Ulysses61]

Simply cut him out of your life. Cut the cord... end it. PERIOD.

You're complicating something essentially very simple: you're an adult and allowing yourself to be controlled by someone who is abusive. It doesn't matter that's he old, that's he family or anything else. Never see him again. Make your mind up this minute and never visit him, answer his calls or anything else. End of story.