disability frightened local lady i dated (dating, long distance, women, love)

[dazedhazedamazed]

this is my first post and honestly i'm hoping someone can relate and offer advice. i'm perfectly healthy with the exception of chronic bladder pain-if you were to look at me -- you'd think healthy and active. most ppl who have IC have a very difficult time of it--I chose to fight it and move on with life.

i had to move to a smaller city from a metropolis (couldn't afford to live in nyc any longer or a bigger city--income is very limited-and it goes very far here!). I fell in love with the locals--and the prettyness of it all. although a ciy boy--I love the country and all it has to offer. The locals accepted me after awhile of proving myself. i do miss city life--but because my medicine is so darn expensive--$25,000+ year--my doctor suggested social security disability (medicare)--and i still am able to teach a course at the college every semester and teach privately too. i grew up in acting as a child--and have done quite a bit--and every so often i get a chance to do a 'gig'--maybe once a year if that now.

thanks for reading the 'setup' about me! here's the problem i need help with...

i'm divorced--caucasian-average looks-quirky-personable-funny-intelligent-like to cook yada yada. i'm 45 years young. dating has never been a problem for me. in NYC--where i'm from--women approach me--and when doing auditions-acting in a play-whatever-it's so easy to meet someone whose got alot going for them. one woman in particular (extremely pretty with lots to offer)--said the next time you are in town--we should get together and all (heck she's only 29!!!!!!!!). even on the commuter train--the pretty spanish female conductor comes over and starts up a great conversation.

now here in this small town--remind you--if i could move i would (i can't afford to right now)--love the town--but there is zero opportunity for me to find a suitable woman-that's like-minded.. the rent is so darn cheap--and my apartment--so beautiful--and the people mostly wonderful--and i have my job--i'd almost be a fool to leave.

here's the last date i went on. a divorced 40 something woman said i have no business dating--i'm unattractive--and with a disability--i can't support her in the suburbs lifestyle she's accustomed to. plus she likes 'big stocky men' ..further more if i really acted like i said i did--i'd be famous. i must be a liar--this is after she spent about 8 hours with me enjoying herself. i believe what it comes down to--after going on quite a few dates (MANY DATES and basically they are ALL a variation of this one!!!!)--is that i don't measure up because i'm so different from the local men (i wish i could just change but i can't--and the bigger city women really like what i am--the men here are good men--i'm just different from them)). they like nascar--i kinda do too--but i prefer theatre...i'm athletic and lean--these women keep saying the like buff guys--they don't respect my education--and they don't want to hear about my life in the past--where i'm performing etc. they want a guy whose not limited in his ability to work--no disability that is--whose a hunk a hunk a man meat!! they are into going 'muddin' and i'm into going to a symphony. that think the stuff i like is --in one woman's words "*****". a few of the women were highly racist-anti-gay -and very very conservative in their politics--i'm moderate in my beliefs.

i can't move w/o ruining my life--i consider the fact that i'm thriving in every other area a good thing. but if i stay here i will die alone i believe. it's three years and it keeps getting worse with dating.

and the kicker is the woman who thinks i'm awesome in nyc--long distance relationships have never worked for me...plus she's 15 years younger than me.

thank you for reading this-for listening to what's happened..and if you have constructive comments to help me--i'd be forever grateful!!

ps. everything is 100% true--no exaggerations. it's hard to put your life in a few paragraphs. plus i'm not the best writer in the world!

[Big-Bad-John]

Originally Posted by dazedhazedamazed

this is my first post and honestly i'm hoping someone can relate and offer advice. i'm perfectly healthy with the exception of chronic bladder pain-if you were to look at me -- you'd think healthy and active. most ppl who have IC have a very difficult time of it--I chose to fight it and move on with life.

i had to move to a smaller city from a metropolis (couldn't afford to live in nyc any longer or a bigger city--income is very limited-and it goes very far here!). I fell in love with the locals--and the prettyness of it all. although a ciy boy--I love the country and all it has to offer. The locals accepted me after awhile of proving myself. i do miss city life--but because my medicine is so darn expensive--$25,000+ year--my doctor suggested social security disability (medicare)--and i still am able to teach a course at the college every semester and teach privately too. i grew up in acting as a child--and have done quite a bit--and every so often i get a chance to do a 'gig'--maybe once a year if that now.

thanks for reading the 'setup' about me! here's the problem i need help with...

i'm divorced--caucasian-average looks-quirky-personable-funny yada yada. i'm 45 and divorced. dating has never been a problem for me. in NYC--where i'm from--women approach me--and when doing auditions-acting in a play-whatever-it's so easy to meet someone whose got alot going for them. one woman in particular (extremely pretty with lots to offer)--said the next time you are in town--we should get together and all (heck she's only 29!!!!!!!!). even on the commuter train--the pretty spanish female conductor comes over and starts up a great conversation.

now here in this small town--remind you--if i could move i would--love the town--but there is zero opportunity for me to find a suitable woman-that's like-minded.. the rent is so darn cheap--and my apartment--so beautiful--and the people mostly wonderful--and i have my job--i'd almost be a fool to leave.

here's the last date i went on. a divorced 40 something woman said i have no business dating--i'm unattractive--and with a disability--i can't support her in the suburbs lifestyle she's accustomed to. further more if i really acted like i said i did--i'd be famous. i must be a liar--this is after she spent about 8 hours with me enjoying herself. i believe what it comes down to--after going on quite a few dates (MANY DATES and basically they are ALL a variation of this one!!!!)--is that i don't measure up because i'm so different from the local men. they like nascar--i kinda do too--but i prefer theatre...i'm athletic and lean--these women keep saying the like buff guys--they don't respect my education--and they don't want to hear about my life in the past--where i'm performing etc. they want a guy whose not limited in his ability to work--no disability that is--whose a hunk a hunk a man meat!! they are into going 'muddin' and i'm into going to a symphony. that think the stuff i like is --in one woman's words "*****". a few of the women were highly racist-anti-gay -and very very conservative in their politics--i'm moderate in my beliefs.

i can't move w/o ruining my life--i consider the fact that i'm thriving in every other area a good thing. but if i stay here i will die alone i believe. it's three years and it keeps getting worse with dating.

and the kicker is the woman who thinks i'm awesome in nyc--long distance relationships have never worked for me...plus she's 15 years younger than me.

thank you for reading this-for listening to what's happened..and if you have constructive comments to help me--i'd be forever grateful!!

ps. everything is 100% true--no exaggerations. it's hard to put your life in a few paragraphs.

I'd say good riddens if it was me. Don't beat yourself up too bad about the NASCAR, mudding, fishing and ALL other things. I'm the opposite as you and still have a running hate club! Sometimes you just can win..... DAMN! LOL Just be yourself and step around the "never good enough" crowd and find someone who is realistic in her expectations.

[bouncethelight]

Even if most of the women in a place are not your type, there's bound to be one who is different - and that's all you need! I think sometimes we get caught up in the lure of having LOTS of choices, when really you only need to find "right" one! So in my opinion, you might as well stay in the town you're in - since you're not trying to convert all the women there - you just want to find one - the right one - to love you as you are.

Have you tried online dating? Maybe you need to flesh out your profile, and share more of yourself in it? If you're going out on dates with women who really prefer husky macho men, then maybe you need to make it SUPER clear in your profile that you're the slim, urbane, cultured, actor type.

The thing about sharing more of yourself, and being super-honest, is that you will turn some people off - so you will get fewer responses - but that's a good thing! You won't be wasting your time with women who really aren't right for you. Being honest causes a love-hate reaction. Those you are turned off, are turned off even faster, but those who might like you, will like you ever more!

You don't need to convert all the women in your town - you don't need them all to like you - so don't be afraid to turn some of them off. Be honest about who and what you are. Believe me, for every women you turn off, there will be another who will be turned on. Personally I'm super-attracted to smart, lean, artistic-types. We're out there!

[danielpalos]

Have you considered getting into or doing more investing to improve your current finances? It could help you relocate if any of our suggestions don't work. I think Big Bad John's suggestion is realistic.

Are you averse to learning new hobbies or stuff? It could help with some of the issues you present. Being in the country, going on picnics could be fun, especially near any swimming holes.

Have you considered short term relationships that may involve money? I have noticed that many women seem to discover amazing powers of customer service when that type of social transaction is involved. Having a few, more positive experiences could be helpful. It could be claimed that practice makes perfect.

[donie1]

I understand where you're coming from. I moved also to a small town and even though I love living here, the people are alittle bit different. Bouncethelight, is correct in that there's got to be someone there that is your type, someone that is different from the pack there.

On-line dating, I believe, might also help you.

Is there a small theatre in your town or a town close by? Any type of cultural organizations? Join those and volunteer and you'll meet like-minded people like yourself.

Good luck!

[danielpalos]

Perhaps, you could start a new venue and potentially earn some extra income.

[dazedhazedamazed]

i'm blessed to get such thoughtful and though provoking ideas. 'ppreciate them!!

[Pivot Point]

At your age, the odds are more in your favor than not for meeting a suitable woman since there are a lot more single women per single man. There are plenty of women who'd love to meet a cultured, intelligent man.

However, it sounds like you need to broaden the scope of your search. Online dating sounds like a great option for you. Sign up on a few different web sites. Be honest in your description of yourself and of what you're looking for, to rule out the incompatible women right off the bat. Also, let your friends and colleagues know you're interested in meeting women so that you can get introductions and invitations to social events.

Good luck.

[stepka]

In every small town everywhere, there are people dying inside a little every day because there's not enough exposure to the arts, and you're in a perfect position to bring it to them and perhaps bring in a nice woman too who loves the country and the arts. There really are women like that--I'm one of them and I know a few more like myself. Not many though.

Can you start a theater production company? It sounds like you're near NYC or another big city and big city people love to come to the country for the weekend and it's nice if there's something for them to do out there. There will be women in the group from the city and some may stick around to talk and a few of them will love it out there.

[Docaholic]

Originally Posted by Marie1249

At your age, the odds are more in your favor than not for meeting a suitable woman since there are a lot more single women per single man. There are plenty of women who'd love to meet a cultured, intelligent man.
Good luck.

Yeah, I'd have to agree with Marie. Your 45 and available. That is prime target range for a ton of single women. Filtering out the nuttly ones should be your biggest concerns!