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When my dad died the people I thought I could count on the most were actually the worst in terms of providing any sort of support. One of my friends did send me a sympathy card four months after the fact, yet I did appreciate it. It's taken him six or seven months to realize just how much he wasn't there for me and he admitted he was a jerk. Just hearing him affirm this on a few occasions has been very healing. I never had to ask him. He just offered this.
Anyway, what do you think? Is an apology only valid if someone comes to the realization they owe you one on their own? Does it "count" if you tell them they owe you one and then they apologize?
Depends. We are all imperfect beings and each of us has different needs. The very behavior that I might consider wonderful and supportive you might consider smothering. Accordingly, we must teach our partners and those around us what we need. Asking for an apology when you need one or expressing hurt is part of that.
Incidentally, I have to be sympathetic towards everyone when there is a death. The family members and loved ones go through grief in their own way. Some want space, others want closeness. Some don't know what they want. For others, nothing helps. People who watch the grieving are no different. Some instinctively guess correctly and offer the person what they need. Others have no idea what to do or how to help. They are afraid of causing further hurt and stay away.
I think it's not worth holding onto hurt feelings over. Few people know just what to do when someone experiences a loss of that magnitude. It's not something I could fault them for.
Sometimes people realize that they weren't fair only after you point it out to them. Although I was never the type of person to say that someone owes me an apology, when someone says "I'm sorry" to me, I feel inclined to accept it and believe that it's heartfelt. To me, the words of apology though were never as important as the actions. If the actions of the person showed me that he is remorseful then that's all I needed.
I never tell people they owe me an apology. They don't owe me anything. I just tell them what I think of their actions and they can either choose to apologize or not.
I beg your pardon. Do not be telling me to "grow up" when you don't know me from Adam. You sound like my mother... the "grown up thing to do is...
And who ever said anything about "demanding" an apology? Don't put words in my mouth.
Asking anyone for an apology is pretty "demanding" actually.
You just have to learn how to trust your gut instincts and how to read people better if you want to make sure any apology is sincere.
As others have pointed out, the mature way to handle these things is to communicate your feelings to the person you believe wronged you.
Start all sentences with "I", not "you".
"I was hurt when you neglected to call me after the funeral".
NOT, "You hurt my feelings by neglecting me after my father died".
Not everyone handles the same problem the same way. One of two things is true here: Either he's just a jerk and doesn't care, or he misread the situation and/or your needs, and you should accept his apology.
Asking anyone for an apology is pretty "demanding" actually.
You just have to learn how to trust your gut instincts and how to read people better if you want to make sure any apology is sincere.
As others have pointed out, the mature way to handle these things is to communicate your feelings to the person you believe wronged you.
Start all sentences with "I", not "you".
"I was hurt when you neglected to call me after the funeral".
NOT, "You hurt my feelings by neglecting me after my father died".
See the difference?
I suppose we grow and develop/evolve---I certainly don't need the sort of 'attention/care/support' that I did at other points in my life. You live your life and at some point you leave the mortal realm.
Those in the military must certainly understand this---a part of their daily life.
The episode of 'Army Wives' dealt with this last night. The son of a colonel/commander was KIA. His father was inconsolable and his mother --it seemed likely that it would be quite some time before she finished grieving. The dad had to return to Afghanistan---he offered to stay--his wife knew that he needed to return. One way that people deal with grief---get back to work and focus on what needs to be done.
This makes a lot of sense to me.
The friends will help the wife/mother---who has a new baby to attend to.
There has to be an inner resilience to survive many of life's challenges.
I think there are cases when it doesn't hurt to let someone know their behavior caused us pain -- with the knowledge that we are also responsible for our emotions, so we share in the situation. There are also times when we can be overly sensitive, and expect others to understand us when that isn't possible.
As in most cases, how we communicate our feelings is every bit as important as how we receive others' communications. I've noticed that many times, we expect others to understand our needs, but we exhibit little understanding for others' needs.
Relations are a give and take of love, compassion, and tolerance.
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the "grown up thing to do is...
