Am I over-reacting? Husband treats me poorly (man, love, therapy)
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I could have written this when I was married. My ex-husband criticized me for the smallest things. "You're cutting the Spam in the wrong direction" was my particular favorite. He also complained that I cut the hamburger into pieces that were too small when I was making spaghetti sauce. It wasn't limited to food. At one point when we were arguing, I said, "You never let me talk!" His response: "You never say anything worth hearing, anyway!" This is the same man who used to comment about other women in front of me, and when I complained, he said, "Well, you never dress up for me or anything..." - blaming his crappy behavior on me!
He could argue that night was day. It's no wonder that I felt like I was the crazy one by the time I finally left! I felt like a complete failure as a wife and mother, and it was only after I got out that I was able to get a true sense of perspective.
I am wondering, though, what kinds of warning signs did you see while you were dating that you decided to ignore? With my ex-husband, there were plenty - starting with the way he would always monopolize any conversation. I was a very young and naive 18 years old when I met him, and only 20 when we got married. I lasted for six years of marriage, and then I got out, never to look back.
Prepare to leave, but please don't tell him what you're doing. He may think he doesn't care, but when you actually follow through, you're going to see a completely different side of him - one that could be worse than what you've already seen.
No one should have to live like this. The fact that he won't get to counseling is all you need to know at this point. It won't get any better; you're just going to feel more and more crazy, oppressed, and depressed.
Except for the leaves comment (I agree that it's annoying when someone tears up a lawn and drags too much soil with the leaves), I think your husband's an abusive control freak. No woman deserves that. Definitely take steps to reach out to external resources to make your life at least tolerable.
I am sorry to hear this. Maybe you should drop the kids off at a friends or family member's house for a night on the town with your husband, go to a busy PUBLIC place such as a restaurant and confront him about how you are feeling. Do not be passive and don't be afraid of him. If you are in a nice, busy restaurant there's no way the restaurant staff would sit idly by and try to not intervene (and if they do not try, consider suing him or them later for unnecessary public humiliation-hey, this is America, make it work for you). Working at a nice restaurant, I know none of our staff would just let some dude scream and tear into his wife without trying to calm him down or 86 (kick out) him (just make sure it's not some cheap joint or chain- if it's a locally owned nice restaurant the owner or someone related is bound to be around. Maybe you have a friend waiting somewhere? Please tell me he lets you have friends). If good females are part of the waitstaff, they will take care of you until you can compose yourself. This is assuming he'd start yelling at you in the restaurant.
Make sure your kids are at a one of your family member's/friend's house and make sure you have discussed your plan of action with a trusted family member and have a place to stay should things get too sour (no point in staying in the house with him if someone else will let you stay at their place and treat you better). I would take the advice to take half the money out if you have joint accounts.
Next time he tells you that you're going down the Costco aisles wrong, flip him off and tell him he's walking wrong, pushing the cart wrong, being a husband wrong, being a father wrong, being a man wrong, and being a human being wrong! Raking the leaves wrong?! Tell him to get up and rake them himself then!
There is no way you would want your kids treating their future mates like this! I don't care what issues he has, the stuff he's telling you is ridiculous. And divorce ruined his life?! So what?! How many people do you know that have survived their parents' divorce? A ton! He needs to get OVER that. That's one of the most pathetic sob stories I've ever heard in my life. Big freakin' deal, move on now. Do NOT let him sucker you.
In a nutshell, no you are not over-reacting. Honestly, I would say you are UNDER-reacting. I'd have told him to shove a rake where the sun doesn't shine, to buy all the groceries himself and, by the way sucker, I'm outta this relationship and the kids are coming with me! Keep documentation of what's going on, make sure others know, and it sounds like you have a solid case in your favor.
I'm so sad right now. My husband has once again yelled at me and I just don't think this is going to work anymore.
Today, he criticized me for raking the leaves wrong (while he was inside sleeping). Says I put too much dirt in with the leaves.
Then he yelled at our son to "walk faster" to get into the bathroom for his bath. Our son (age 5) came into the bathroom in tears because "Daddy yelled at me to walk faster." (this breaks my heart)
Then during dinner, my husband was watching Star Trek and it was so loud, just blaring (as ALWAYS). I asked him to turn it down and he got angry (as usual) and said "You know what.. too bad! I'm sick of your voice")
He micro-manages me constantly: I don't walk the isles in Costco in the right order; I press the buttons wrong on the a/c in the car; I let the kids watch the DVD in the car on short trips (supposed to be only for long trips, so it doesn't 'wear out').
There is ZERO emotional support from him. I don't expect a marriage to be perfect, but I do know this is not normal). Is it too much to ask to have someone who you feel is "on your side" and really cares about you? I seriously don't think I can last a lifetime like this. We've only been married for 7 years and we have 2 kids (ages 2.5 and almost 5). Basically, my husband has changed 100% from the man I thought I married. He is always on a "short fuse" (for example, cursing if something falls out of the refridgerator when he tries to take it out).
I hate to see our boys raised in this environment, but I really didn't want to possibly destroy their lives by getting a divorce (he blames his mother for ruining his life by divorcing his father when he was 11) Nice, I know (I wish I knew that before... would have been a red flag for sure)
Oh and he says things like "If you don't like it, you can get an apartment because this is MY house!" (Ummm...no)
I suggested counseling 2 years ago and he said "That's absurd."
I just cannot take it anymore! The saddest feeling in the world is realizing you married the wrong person and wishing you could just go back in time. Other times, when I had talked myself into taking steps toward divorce (like getting the name of an attorney to seek out some advice up front), I feel like a huge weight was lifted and I wanted to smile. I don't want to jump to conclusions and over-react. But then again, it would be nice to have someone to laugh with and someone who doesn't say mean things to me (like "you're mentally ill") OMG... I guess I am going to end up divorced. Scared to death... sad... just over it.
You are not overreacting in the slightest. You're being abused and so are your children. Just because it's not physical doesn't mean it's not abuse. His behavior is verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. It's designed to kill your self esteem so you don't have the will power to leave him. And it's been working for 7 years.
On the second page, number 12 is "It's Never Enough".
Quote:
"The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
This applies to the smallest of things as well - you don't rake the leaves right, you don't walk fast enough, etc. It's never good enough for him. Also look at number 4, "Killing Your Self Confidence" - it's very similar and note the part I bolded:
Quote:
"The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
He also seems to fit number 19, Discounted Feelings and Opinions:
Quote:
"The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
You think the TV is too loud? Too bad. You think you need couples counselling? That's absurd. You're "mentally ill" for the way you feel. That's exactly what this part of the article is describing.
I imagine other attributes mentioned on this article will fit as well. In my experience, many of these points go hand-in-hand with others. Particularly make sure to read number 18, "Walking on Eggshells". This is even mentioned in the one about Killing Your Self Confidence. I would not be surprised if you feel this way since nothing you do is ever good enough for him, you may feel like you're walking on eggshells, waiting for the next criticism to come.
Please, please get out of this relationship while your children are still young enough to bounce back from it. You will not be destroying their lives by getting a divorce, you'll be destroying their lives if you STAY. He's an abusive husband and abusive father and he's not going to change - it's very rare for someone who is abusive to change, even with therapy. Please, if you don't have the strength to leave him for your own good, do it for your children! Which is worse: divorced parents or living with an abusive father? You know the answer to that. Don't fool yourself into thinking that just because he's not punching you or your kids, he's not abusive. He is. And it's very serious. Don't take this lightly.
Since you have children you have to do what is best for them and having them grow up with a verbal abusive father is not what is best for them. Don't go by what the husband said about how his parent's divorce made him the way he is. It's another control thing because he wants you to feel you may ruin your kids if you leave. 5 is a very impressionable age. You don't want your kids to grow up like him, do you? You don't want them to think it's ok to treat people they are supposed to love like that, do you? You need to act quickly and leave. Easier said than done, I know, but since there are children involved you really don't have the time to hmmm and haw over it. Bite the bullet and get out- and, yes, you are probably going to be the one to have to move since he knows you want the house so bad because he won't. I wish you well and good luck.
This man doesn't love you. He needs someone to victimize, and you're it, you and your kids. Start now with a plan to get out of there asap before the kids get use to a situation where the person who is suppose to love them abuses them and their mother instead. This is not healthy, it's a bad example, and only you can change it.
Start looking for a job and a place to live as you won't be able to count on his support but rather the opposite. Let him languish in his misery by himself, you don't need it. I've been there too.
I'm so sad right now. My husband has once again yelled at me and I just don't think this is going to work anymore.
Today, he criticized me for raking the leaves wrong (while he was inside sleeping). Says I put too much dirt in with the leaves.
Then he yelled at our son to "walk faster" to get into the bathroom for his bath. Our son (age 5) came into the bathroom in tears because "Daddy yelled at me to walk faster." (this breaks my heart)
Then during dinner, my husband was watching Star Trek and it was so loud, just blaring (as ALWAYS). I asked him to turn it down and he got angry (as usual) and said "You know what.. too bad! I'm sick of your voice")
He micro-manages me constantly: I don't walk the isles in Costco in the right order; I press the buttons wrong on the a/c in the car; I let the kids watch the DVD in the car on short trips (supposed to be only for long trips, so it doesn't 'wear out').
There is ZERO emotional support from him. I don't expect a marriage to be perfect, but I do know this is not normal). Is it too much to ask to have someone who you feel is "on your side" and really cares about you? I seriously don't think I can last a lifetime like this. We've only been married for 7 years and we have 2 kids (ages 2.5 and almost 5). Basically, my husband has changed 100% from the man I thought I married. He is always on a "short fuse" (for example, cursing if something falls out of the refridgerator when he tries to take it out).
I hate to see our boys raised in this environment, but I really didn't want to possibly destroy their lives by getting a divorce (he blames his mother for ruining his life by divorcing his father when he was 11) Nice, I know (I wish I knew that before... would have been a red flag for sure)
Oh and he says things like "If you don't like it, you can get an apartment because this is MY house!" (Ummm...no)
I suggested counseling 2 years ago and he said "That's absurd."
I just cannot take it anymore! The saddest feeling in the world is realizing you married the wrong person and wishing you could just go back in time. Other times, when I had talked myself into taking steps toward divorce (like getting the name of an attorney to seek out some advice up front), I feel like a huge weight was lifted and I wanted to smile. I don't want to jump to conclusions and over-react. But then again, it would be nice to have someone to laugh with and someone who doesn't say mean things to me (like "you're mentally ill") OMG... I guess I am going to end up divorced. Scared to death... sad... just over it.
Before you talk to him about it - decide your final straw/line in the sand. I would suggest the book - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. It sounds off and ridiculous that a book would help with such a serious issue - but if gives clarity in situations exactly like yours. Once you have your position and your list of must do's to ensure the marriage is fulfilling - then you can make your decisions. If nothing else - read the online reviews of this book.
I cant live in a pressure cooker - and I refuse to have my children subject to such stress - its very unhealthy and you pay now and later. He would either get his act together or we would have to part.
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He also complained that I cut the hamburger into pieces that were too small when I was making spaghetti sauce. It wasn't limited to food. At one point when we were arguing, I said, "You never let me talk!" His response: "You never say anything worth hearing, anyway!" This is the same man who used to comment about other women in front of me, and when I complained, he said, "Well, you never dress up for me or anything..." - blaming his crappy behavior on me! 
