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I would be very surprised if anything physical ever happened. I would run out the door (with the kids) and NEVER come back.
Verbal and emotional/psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Again, you seem to be under the mistaken impression that just because he's not punching anyone, his behavior is acceptable and not abusive. You couldn't be more wrong.
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He is just a weird man who lives in his own little world.
No. He's an abuser. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start providing a healthy home for your children to grow up in.
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Oh and he blames his mother for ruining his life by divorcing his father. (YEP) His mother passed away about 2 years ago, at the early age of 64.
Abusers often excuse their behavior and place the blame elsewhere.
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Note to women out there: NEVER marry a man who doesn't speak highly of his mother
There's truth to that but you also don't want to marry a man who speaks too highly of his mother - so highly that you could never live up to her.
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and never marry a man who didn't grow up with at least one sister full-time. (and thus has no idea how to relate to women... he grew up with his disfunctional Dad)
My husband did not grow up with his sister at all - by the time he was 3ish, she had moved out and was married. My husband does not behave like yours at all. Growing up with a sister has nothing to do with it.
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And look closely at dear old Dad before you marry.. that is what you are likely to end up with.
Doesn't that mean your son is going to end up just like your husband? Don't you want him to be different? Don't you want him to learn to treat women right? But by your own admission, he'll more than likely wind up just like your husband if you don't get him out of there and away from his father's terrible and abusive influences.
Watch how they treat their partners when they grow up.
Even if you get out, your KIDS need counseling to learn NOT to treat a partner the way your children will ....because that's all they knew when they grew up.....
yes there is a better life out there and Iknow cause I have been there (where you are ) and I got out and sure as heck glad I did cause I met someone who was so nice and kind to me and has never once cussed me or hit me or any of that . I can sure tell you from exp that verbal abuse does usually escalate to physical and by then sometimes it is too late cause you are dead and hubby is in prison and the kids are orphans . So my advice to you would be get out and find a good lawyer and get a divorce .
Yes, my ex said these kinds of things sometimes through the years--not nearly to the extent that you and the OP have gone through, and now I'm single and I'm so much happier these days. I will get back into dating sometime soon, but for now I'm happy to just hang, and I'm going to be a lot pickier next time. I asked my ex after it was all over why he said those things and he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I guess I was just frustrated at being with the wrong partner." (if I'da had a frying pan in my hand I would have used it, b/c for him the right partner turned out to be a man, so basically he was punishing me for being a woman.)
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Originally Posted by WannaliveinGreenville
Your kids are already * damaged *
Watch how they treat their partners when they grow up.
Even if you get out, your KIDS need counseling to learn NOT to treat a partner the way your children will ....because that's all they knew when they grew up.....
I"d like to think that you mean well, but I don't think this is a useful thing to say right now. People handle negative experiences in very different ways and how the OP handles this from now on will have much more impact than what has already occurred. And you have absolutely no way to know if her kids are damaged or not. Sometimes I'm amazed at how resilient humans really are--we are truly amazing creatures and love can fix a multitude of sins.
I actually grew up in a family like that, as a single child. At 12, I told my mother to get a divorce after my father held a knife to her throat over an argument over whether or not she was saying bad about him at work, I told her to get the divorce or one day I'll end up doing something myself. The next day, we got a moving van when my dad was at work, packed what we needed, and left. Of course, he fought the divorce, but she never had to see him again after the court hearings.
OK, a serious question: Isn't some "snappy" language normal from many husbands? I don't think I am in the worse boat in terms of "emotional abuse" by far. I think if you had a hidden camera, this type of thing would be seen in many homes in the US.
Moved - your truth is your truth. Humans can rationalize any sort of existence and survive. I do not know what is normal. I do know what I can tolerate and what I expect to get from my limited time here on earth. I do not have time to waste being treated poorly - I deserve respect and love. But my normal belongs only to me.
I can tell you this - until it is unacceptable to you - it is acceptable.
I am not saying to leave him. But it's obvious some changes need to be made - and soon. What those changes are, only you can decide. Is it a talk between the two adults? is it counselling for both? individual, joint? Something has to be said/done about his abuse of you and your child.
How we permit people to treat us is how they will treat us. How we expect people to treat us is the best we will get.
When I began dating again, I made it clear how I expected to be treated. That I would give my all to a relationship but I would never again permit anyone to abuse me, not in any way, no matter how small.
If you are permitting verbal abuse of yourself, without even saying anything, what makes you believe he doesn't think you accept it?
If you are permitting him to abuse your children, what makes you believe he doesn't think it's acceptable behavior? What is he saying to the children when you don't hear him or they don't come crying to Mommy? After all, he's been led to believe that that behavior is acceptable.
Even now, you are granting him the peace of mind to believe his behavior of the other day is ok, with you. You are allowing HIM to "go on as though everything's normal", therefore what he did is now the "normal" and acceptable behavior in your home. Where's the line? Is it only reached when you can be sure you have your financial ducks in a row? Or is it when there's physical harm to you or your children? What's the line on physical harm? a spanking? 2 spanks? spanks on the butt, spanks on the arm, slaps across the face? tossing across the room? shaking?
Well, he says I nag, whine and push him too much. (who knows, maybe I am out of control like that, but this doesn't mean I deserve to be treated so poorly)
I really wonder how a divorce would affect the kids - would they have to spend every other week with him or weekends? Wouldn't that be bad for them as well? He lets them watch TV shows that I think are too intense (like battle scenes in Star Trek.. he just put another one on now) The kids are only 2.5 and almost 5. Husband says "they know it's just make believe" but give me a break! They are KIDS.
About 2 months ago, he had something on that said the f word, and our almost 5 year old heard it. (and proceeded to repeat it) Of course, my husband says "There was no way I could know the movie would use that word" Then he says "Well, I grew up hearing my Dad swear and I knew not to use those words in school"
I just really hate that it has come to this point. I don't expect to have "rated G" kids these days, but I surely do NOT think the husbands of my friends are letting their kids watch stuff like this.
I had NO way to know this would happen. He didn't go around using swear words when we were dating. Sometimes there is just no real indication of how somebody will turn out, esp when it comes to kids.
He used to treat me very well... All I know is even if I am a whiny ***** (and I don't think I am) I don't deserve this...
2 weeks ago, we were in a "family style- buffet" restaurant where the tables are really close together. A woman was sitting at the next table, facing him. He proceded to repeat a joke he heard on the radio and then said loudly "I can't believe they would tell a d--- joke!"
I was just mortified because (a) we are there with our kids (b) he is talking so loud, I'm sure the lady heard and (c) who uses that word like that???
He saw NOTHING wrong with it and once again, I was the bad guy for saying it was inappropriate.
I seriously wonder if he is developing mental issues.
NY ANNIE- I'm nearly in tears. Beautifully written.
MovedfromFL- It's going to be a hard process but I think it's time...
A lot of kids go through divorce. It's how the adults act that forms
them, even if they have to go back and forth to two different homes.
I did it as a kid, and because my parents were on good terms, we
turned out great.
My hubby however said that his mom should have divorced his dad because he was a control freak and did not want to be bothered by his family. He wanted to be waited on, kids keep quiet, watch his tv and drink. He was an azz to his mom on many occasions. SO, don't let that happen to your kids.
Don't yell or stoop to his level. Get your ducks in a row, then firmly and calmly break it to him, with someone there in case he gets violent.
I'm sure you had good times, but you are paying dearly for those few memories.
Good luck.
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