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I finally got myself out again tonight and cruised around some bars with a friend tonight. I met up with a bunch of her friends. One of them told me I had nice dimples, that I was weird, and then kissed me on the cheek. The rest of these times I found myself sitting across the table figuring out what to do with my hands and my face. I'm the most socially awkward ****er in the world. It's nuts. I act like a humongous introvert yet I believe inside I am an extrovert waiting to be freed out. I really want to connect with people, develop deeper relationships, and just no longer be terrified and awkward with social situations. It's just a bad habit I have formed over time because of some ****ty friends I grew up with. It made me not want to have friends anymore and now 5 years later I finally want friends again.
I want to be an extreme social butterfly. I watch people at bars just roam around and banter with each other with extreme ease and I find myself totally lost in these places. How do I even catch up?
Well take it in moderation obviously you shouldn't just quit your job and go snort lines of coke every night, but shrugging off the idea that people will judge you isn't bad.
lol, yeah yeah. I watch some people at these night life places and wonder how they are a) still able to afford to go there or b) how they haven't made it to jail yet. These places are immersed with irresponsibility. I'm tired of responsibility and structure though, blahhh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61
You either are or you're not. This is something innate in people. Think back to first grade: there were inept people who were uptight at recess and there were a few on the opposite end who effortlessly made friends, were outgoing and popular.
That's just life. You can't learn to be social and graceful. Sure, you could take courses in this or feign it or pretend. People who tell you, "Oh, it's easy! Just decide to be charming and gregarious and it'll happen!" are full of it.
Your best bet is to find someone like you: someone who is not a social butterfly, someone who also doesn't get off on crowds or partying and someone who understands and accepts you who you are. People don't change and especially they can't and don't change the way they are instrinsicaly wired.
There are millions of people out there who are turned off by bar hoppers or glib guys at bars who chat up chicks in a meaningless fashion. Aspiring to be this way is a losing proposition. You are who you are. Trying to transform yourself into something you've never been is not going to be successful. Work on being happy the way you are. You sound perfectly normal to me.
I'm not aspiring for meaningless conversation. I really do just want to be able to talk like I do online at bars with total ease and without being a social retard about it. I can still be introverted inside and do that right?
I'm a great person once people get to know me. I can easily make friends and get dates with women through the 'net but I don't want to rely on that anymore. I enjoy people who are not pompous, egotistic, think they know everything... Otherwise yeah, I like people.
Chicago has plenty of opportunity. Lots of intellectual types. Where are the people who aren't pompous, egotistical, etc.
I met some interesting people through toastmasters, a public speaking group. A lot of academically oriented people, mba's, ph d's, two authors. An interesting variety of people. Much better than the typical bar scene. The kind of people you're looking for are probably hidden away.
One of the guys I met at toastmasters, a usc mba...he had a great gift for social situations. He'd be the type to have 200 friends on facebook. Then go to everyone of those parties. And basically have a good impression on 2,000 people, if he met 10 people x 200 friends parties. He had very few rules to be happy or "content". I think a lot of people start making too many rules or conditions. He had good self esteem, probably an 8 or a 9.
I don't know if bars are really it all the time. What about a private party, or something where the people are sort of pre screened. Some sort of function or party.
I personally have the exact same problem... I used to be pretty social... but then I lost contact and some close relationships I had fell apart so I had to start over at square one and find new friends... and I'm starting to build it back up again... and did it by going places where I can meet people and develop friendships (like college). It was only when I started to open myself back up again and let people in that I was able to do this. Although I still feel sorta nervous around people for some reason (when I never used to) but it's getting better the more I get used to it again. Oh and by the way... I think it's totally cute when guys are shy... as long as they start to open up later
I finally got myself out again tonight and cruised around some bars with a friend tonight. I met up with a bunch of her friends. One of them told me I had nice dimples, that I was weird, and then kissed me on the cheek. The rest of these times I found myself sitting across the table figuring out what to do with my hands and my face. I'm the most socially awkward ****er in the world. It's nuts. I act like a humongous introvert yet I believe inside I am an extrovert waiting to be freed out. I really want to connect with people, develop deeper relationships, and just no longer be terrified and awkward with social situations. It's just a bad habit I have formed over time because of some ****ty friends I grew up with. It made me not want to have friends anymore and now 5 years later I finally want friends again.
I want to be an extreme social butterfly. I watch people at bars just roam around and banter with each other with extreme ease and I find myself totally lost in these places. How do I even catch up?
Are you sure you want to be an extreme social butterfly or do you just want to build meaningful friendships? I would say the former will not necessarily get you the latter. You can have a good social life without flitting from person to person or being considered socially inept.
I prefer to have good friends and make meaningful connections with people, which is hard to do at a bar or a club. Look for smaller, quieter gatherings or venues where you can actually exchange more than a few witty words over the pounding of the music or the roar of the crowd. I think you should start with that, because all you really need is one good friend.
Later on, going with them can make it easier to go to these larger & louder places so that you're not left twiddling your thumbs if there is no one else to talk to.
You either are or you're not. This is something innate in people. Think back to first grade: there were inept people who were uptight at recess and there were a few on the opposite end who effortlessly made friends, were outgoing and popular.
That's just life. You can't learn to be social and graceful. Sure, you could take courses in this or feign it or pretend. People who tell you, "Oh, it's easy! Just decide to be charming and gregarious and it'll happen!" are full of it.
Your best bet is to find someone like you: someone who is not a social butterfly, someone who also doesn't get off on crowds or partying and someone who understands and accepts you who you are. People don't change and especially they can't and don't change the way they are instrinsicaly wired.
There are millions of people out there who are turned off by bar hoppers or glib guys at bars who chat up chicks in a meaningless fashion. Aspiring to be this way is a losing proposition. You are who you are. Trying to transform yourself into something you've never been is not going to be successful. Work on being happy the way you are. You sound perfectly normal to me.
This isn't true. Just because something comes naturally to some but not others doesn't mean it can't be learned.
You CAN learn social graces, you CAN learn to force yourself to fight through natural shyness until it isn't as much of an issue, and you CAN (bar school & work) choose to surround yourself with people you get along with.
It's not easy, perhaps not even worth the effort, but, it's doable.
edit: er, well, you can do so if you're in an urban area and can afford to learn through trial and failure with people you don't need to see ever again. Doing so in a small community where everyone knows everyone would be nightmarish.
I'm the most socially awkward ****er in the world.
LOL.......
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caldus
I finally got myself out again tonight and cruised around some bars with a friend tonight. I met up with a bunch of her friends. One of them told me I had nice dimples, that I was weird, and then kissed me on the cheek. The rest of these times I found myself sitting across the table figuring out what to do with my hands and my face. I'm the most socially awkward ****er in the world. It's nuts. I act like a humongous introvert yet I believe inside I am an extrovert waiting to be freed out. I really want to connect with people, develop deeper relationships, and just no longer be terrified and awkward with social situations. It's just a bad habit I have formed over time because of some ****ty friends I grew up with. It made me not want to have friends anymore and now 5 years later I finally want friends again.
I want to be an extreme social butterfly. I watch people at bars just roam around and banter with each other with extreme ease and I find myself totally lost in these places. How do I even catch up?
You either are or you're not. This is something innate in people. Think back to first grade: there were inept people who were uptight at recess and there were a few on the opposite end who effortlessly made friends, were outgoing and popular.
That's just life. You can't learn to be social and graceful. Sure, you could take courses in this or feign it or pretend. People who tell you, "Oh, it's easy! Just decide to be charming and gregarious and it'll happen!" are full of it.
Your best bet is to find someone like you: someone who is not a social butterfly, someone who also doesn't get off on crowds or partying and someone who understands and accepts you who you are. People don't change and especially they can't and don't change the way they are instrinsicaly wired.
There are millions of people out there who are turned off by bar hoppers or glib guys at bars who chat up chicks in a meaningless fashion. Aspiring to be this way is a losing proposition. You are who you are. Trying to transform yourself into something you've never been is not going to be successful. Work on being happy the way you are. You sound perfectly normal to me.
I agree.Your bound to make yourself miserable forcing yourself to fit in with people you are genuinely not compatible with.
I am in a similiar situation because I kicked all my former friends out of my life.
Three words: Loser, Immature, and Laziness.
Would best describe them.
Join a club, start hobbies that interest you, become more active. Search for things you enjoy. I have met a decent amount of people just attending things.
It's actually interesting that people who usually enjoy the same types of hobbies, and interest have somtimes similiar personalities.
If night clubs aren't your thing why don't you join like a computer club or something.
I finally got myself out again tonight and cruised around some bars with a friend tonight. I met up with a bunch of her friends. One of them told me I had nice dimples, that I was weird, and then kissed me on the cheek. The rest of these times I found myself sitting across the table figuring out what to do with my hands and my face. I'm the most socially awkward ****er in the world. It's nuts. I act like a humongous introvert yet I believe inside I am an extrovert waiting to be freed out. I really want to connect with people, develop deeper relationships, and just no longer be terrified and awkward with social situations. It's just a bad habit I have formed over time because of some ****ty friends I grew up with. It made me not want to have friends anymore and now 5 years later I finally want friends again.
I want to be an extreme social butterfly. I watch people at bars just roam around and banter with each other with extreme ease and I find myself totally lost in these places. How do I even catch up?
...But if you really want to fit in...
Just relax. You need to learn to VIBE with people.
I'm not saying go all professor X; I'm saying learn to feed off people's energy. Go with the flow.
If your all tense and nervous you tend to ball up in a shell. You say things you wouldnt normally say and do things that are a bit weird. You need to relax and realize no one is perfect and people are there for the same reasons you are to socialize and have fun.
Also...
Working out also helps with social situations alot because it builds up your self esteem and you start to ooze out more confidence natuarally.
So diet correctly and hit the weights more.
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obviously you shouldn't just quit your job and go snort lines of coke every night, but shrugging off the idea that people will judge you isn't bad.
