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I finally got myself out again tonight and cruised around some bars with a friend tonight. I met up with a bunch of her friends. One of them told me I had nice dimples, that I was weird, and then kissed me on the cheek. The rest of these times I found myself sitting across the table figuring out what to do with my hands and my face. I'm the most socially awkward ****er in the world. It's nuts. I act like a humongous introvert yet I believe inside I am an extrovert waiting to be freed out. I really want to connect with people, develop deeper relationships, and just no longer be terrified and awkward with social situations. It's just a bad habit I have formed over time because of some ****ty friends I grew up with. It made me not want to have friends anymore and now 5 years later I finally want friends again.
I want to be an extreme social butterfly. I watch people at bars just roam around and banter with each other with extreme ease and I find myself totally lost in these places. How do I even catch up?
My first suggestion would be to take a community college course or volunteer in something that appeals to you.
For example, when I move to a new area, I take a community college annex class in a card game, for example bridge or pinochle because I like them both and it provides me a way to meet others in a structured environment. I'm socializing at the time, but the choice to take it past that setting is up to me. Cooking classes are also a way to meet others.
Do what you like and you'll find others who may make better friends to you.
A. Do you really like people? Do you have a good personality? Can you make friends online....like yahoo messenger or something? I think if those answers are yes, it's mostly mechanics.
If you hate the world, if you're the unibomber, sorry...can't help you
B. What are your rules. I think people with good social ease have less rules in order to be happy in a social situation or circumstance. Think about sorority girls, or someone with good social ease. They don't have all these "Rules" hanging over their head about what has to happen in order to feel good. They just sort of go with the flow.
What are your social rules? What has to happen in order for you to feel good? What do you think are the social butterflies rules? Think about it next time you're out. For some people they have no rules!
Speaking from experience (I'm 32 now), I think most guys age 19-25 or 27 don't know what they want. They want to go to the bar and have every hot girl looking at them. That's not really realistic everyday. Or, this has got to happen. Or ____ has to happen. Thus you get disappointed when that doesn't happen, and you sink deeper in your shell.
Something I got out of self help, personal development when I was 20-25...focus on what you do want, not what you don't. What would you do if you were an extrovert? You've got to make something realistic. Not hosting a dinner party for 125 people or something. Get specific. Do you have interest in things at bars?
I would also focus on friends that you think are relatively harmless. Who's the most socially harmless person in this room and how can I talk with him/her? I use to be about a 3 out of 10, but got up to a 7 or 8. Late highschool, early college years can be a mess. But I don't like labeling or making something bigger than it is. I don't like extrovert, introvert labels. Because you can be extroverted somewhere...at a restaurant or private party. But "introverted" somewhere else. For many people its situational...don't make it cut in stone.
I want to be an extreme social butterfly. I watch people at bars just roam around and banter with each other with extreme ease and I find myself totally lost in these places. How do I even catch up?
Late high school and early college are a mess. I remember a Swedish girl whisper to a friend that I was weird but nice. That was salvageable, yet true.
In the end, I ran with the crowd I liked when I wanted in situations of my choosing. Large house parties and night clubs were out, dinners and pub sessions with about 6 people total were in.
I know what you mean about an extrovert waiting to be freed. I can't tell you how many times I had been at bars with 15 others or a huge house party bored, not talking with anyone, and somewhat drunk. When the chemistry clicked with the right group, hehe. It was like a phoenix rising in fire from the cold, cold ash. Or to be less dramatic, it's much fun.
You just gotta talk to people. I'd start with making small conversation at the store. A "Hi how are you?" at the register might spark a short conversation. Just work your way up from there. Another thing is you gotta stop worrying about what other people think. Who cares if you make an ass out of yourself in front of some woman at some bar who you probably won't see again? She'll probably forget about you, and you'll probably forget about her. I think he's a douche and completely nuts, but Charlie Sheen's devil-may-care attitude is a pretty good example of doing things your way and not caring if someone is judging you because guess what - only an empty person with an empty life judges.
You are a computer scientist? How much $ do you earn? Use that to your advantage. Most people do not earn the salary of a computer scientist even if they are a mediocre scientist.
A. Do you really like people? Do you have a good personality? Can you make friends online....like yahoo messenger or something? I think if those answers are yes, it's mostly mechanics.
If you hate the world, if you're the unibomber, sorry...can't help you
B. What are your rules. I think people with good social ease have less rules in order to be happy in a social situation or circumstance. Think about sorority girls, or someone with good social ease. They don't have all these "Rules" hanging over their head about what has to happen in order to feel good. They just sort of go with the flow.
What are your social rules? What has to happen in order for you to feel good? What do you think are the social butterflies rules? Think about it next time you're out. For some people they have no rules!
Speaking from experience (I'm 32 now), I think most guys age 19-25 or 27 don't know what they want. They want to go to the bar and have every hot girl looking at them. That's not really realistic everyday. Or, this has got to happen. Or ____ has to happen. Thus you get disappointed when that doesn't happen, and you sink deeper in your shell.
Something I got out of self help, personal development when I was 20-25...focus on what you do want, not what you don't. What would you do if you were an extrovert? You've got to make something realistic. Not hosting a dinner party for 125 people or something. Get specific. Do you have interest in things at bars?
I would also focus on friends that you think are relatively harmless. Who's the most socially harmless person in this room and how can I talk with him/her? I use to be about a 3 out of 10, but got up to a 7 or 8. Late highschool, early college years can be a mess. But I don't like labeling or making something bigger than it is. I don't like extrovert, introvert labels. Because you can be extroverted somewhere...at a restaurant or private party. But "introverted" somewhere else. For many people its situational...don't make it cut in stone.
I'm a great person once people get to know me. I can easily make friends and get dates with women through the 'net but I don't want to rely on that anymore. I enjoy people who are not pompous, egotistic, think they know everything... Otherwise yeah, I like people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by d-boy-80
You are a computer scientist? How much $ do you earn? Use that to your advantage. Most people do not earn the salary of a computer scientist even if they are a mediocre scientist.
Yes, and a lot of money, but I don't want to bank on that. It makes you look like you're trying to 1-up everyone else in the room and since I hate people who try to do that to me, I don't go for that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HurricaneDC
You just gotta talk to people. I'd start with making small conversation at the store. A "Hi how are you?" at the register might spark a short conversation. Just work your way up from there. Another thing is you gotta stop worrying about what other people think. Who cares if you make an ass out of yourself in front of some woman at some bar who you probably won't see again? She'll probably forget about you, and you'll probably forget about her. I think he's a douche and completely nuts, but Charlie Sheen's devil-may-care attitude is a pretty good example of doing things your way and not caring if someone is judging you because guess what - only an empty person with an empty life judges.
Right, Charlie Sheen is a wonderful role-model, lol. He does have one thing right though -- totally just doesn't care. But it's to the point of turning his life into a horrid disaster.
Well take it in moderation obviously you shouldn't just quit your job and go snort lines of coke every night, but shrugging off the idea that people will judge you isn't bad.
You either are or you're not. This is something innate in people. Think back to first grade: there were inept people who were uptight at recess and there were a few on the opposite end who effortlessly made friends, were outgoing and popular.
That's just life. You can't learn to be social and graceful. Sure, you could take courses in this or feign it or pretend. People who tell you, "Oh, it's easy! Just decide to be charming and gregarious and it'll happen!" are full of it.
Your best bet is to find someone like you: someone who is not a social butterfly, someone who also doesn't get off on crowds or partying and someone who understands and accepts you who you are. People don't change and especially they can't and don't change the way they are instrinsicaly wired.
There are millions of people out there who are turned off by bar hoppers or glib guys at bars who chat up chicks in a meaningless fashion. Aspiring to be this way is a losing proposition. You are who you are. Trying to transform yourself into something you've never been is not going to be successful. Work on being happy the way you are. You sound perfectly normal to me.
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