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It sounds practically Victorian. One must stay home and mourn for two years, wearing all black. After that, one can again mix in society and wear grey or purple.
I think older men move on faster because they aren't as close with their other family members so they don't have anything to pre-occupy their minds with other than finding a new partner. I think a lot of men are connected to their kids and grandkids via their wives. There was a study that showed men who were unmarried died faster. I think there is some truth to that and maybe they are reacting to their survival needs.
The older women are usually better connected (emotionally) to their kids and grandkids so I think they have less of a need to go out and seek something new/external. They are usually content with taking on a role taking care of the grandkids.
Younger men and women who are widowed operate on a different level. I think both are hit hard and mourn equally much.
Well, Mathguy, I wouldn't mind having a frank and candid discussion on this topic, but there's already starting to be enough of the criticism and negativity in the responses to even bother at this point.
My mom's been widowed five years now and she is not moving on yet. We spoke to her about it and she said she prefers it this way. Maybe it's cultural.
I'm just curious as to your definition of "moving on". To me (as a person who was widowed in her 30's), moving on means to grieve COMPLETELY, and then to make a new life for yourself as a single person. A person can move on without actively dating or getting remarried.
OK, looks like the moderator's keeping a close eye on this topic ...
I think a lot of you already know me and my somewhat unique circumstances. I'm not a widower, yet, but after dealing with all of the challenges resulting from an ex-spouse's illness for a good part of the past 20 years, I've been in the moving on mode for a few years now.
I guess that, when it's not sudden, you have some time to think about what you'll do when the time comes. How you'll deal with the loss, and how you'll get through it. For me, because the illness took so much of what made her her away, I started to doubt everything about myself. Did I do enough for the marriage? Could I have done more? When a became a full-time caregiver, did that mean that I'd forget how to be a husband and a man? Would there ever be anyone else who would find me attractive? I originally thought that I had been a lousy husband, and that I wouldn't ever want to put myself, or someone else, through this type of ordeal ever again. But, with some counseling, I've realized that I might have actually done a better job then I give myself credit for.
The big question is, now what? I wanted to have a family, but that opportunity's been lost. Stepkids would be great, but even then they'll likely be older, so I'll probably never be much of a father figure to them.
This is the point where I think your age and sex will make the difference in your efforts to move on. I looked back and realized that not once, in 20 years of marriage, did I ever get hit on. Never approached at any point by a woman. Not that I would've acted on it, but it's kind of depressing that it's never happened. So, now what? Where do you go from here?
A former co-worker of mine, Elaine, is just a wonderful lady. Her husband, Jim (a few years older), had recently retired and both of them came over to Germany where Elaine (and I) worked and Jim was a devoted house husband. They were the nicest couple you'd ever want to meet. They'd been married just shy of forever and had two or three children and lots of grandchildren. Jim was an absolute sweetheart and always there when someone needed help with anything.
Well, about a year after they moved back from Germany, Jim went back for a short solo vacation to visit friends they had made over there (remember, Jim was retired and Elaine wasn't). Jim had just arrived home, brought his luggage in and set out a present for his wife that he'd brought back with him. Elaine went to take a shower and heard a thud. Jim had a heart attack and died right there in their kitchen, age 70.
Elaine remarried within a year.
She married a guy that she and Jim had been friends with for about 40 years or so. His wife had died a few years earlier.
I thought it was quick, but Elaine seems to be happy from what I've heard from mutual friends and it's probably more for companionship than anything else. I think she must be well into her 70s by now.
I'm not gonna accuse you of anything, Mathguy. I am making a general observation. I can't bring myself to appreciate one half of a just death ended marriage moving on at reckless pace, like months to a year.
Three or four or five, and even some unmarried people spend 6 months between relationships and they are only dating
You are making an observation borne of limited life experience. Your timeframe is arbitrary and lacks any perspective related to the major variables I described.
While I do not deny that sometimes there are indeed reckless paces involved, I do not post making gross generalizations that everyone SHOULD remarry within a year or SHOULD take 4-5 years or SHOULD never remarry.
Why do I not make general statements and judgments regarding this? Because I know better. I can even appreciate the shock or trauma that may even lead to poor judgement.
I'm not even bringing my own situation into this as even then whatever may have been right or wrong to my situation is moot to a general discussion of a highly variable topic.
There has to be a four or five year mourning process, otherwise it looks bizarre and out of place to the world outside.
I said this on another, similar thread...
Quote:
We're all different. We do things our own way. And there's nothing wrong with that.
I lost my wife a year ago this month. We had been married 15 years. I have two young children and thought I'd be single for a long while. Within 5 months of her death, I realized that staying single was not going to be good for me or my kids. And I went on a few dates. Weird, strange experience to be dating again. Something I had not done in a long, long time.
I had several people tell me that I was out there too soon. And far more say it was good for me. Anyone who really knew me understood that moving on was essential.
Do what makes you happy. Don't worry about what others expect.
I've been dating a woman now for just short of 5 months. She's an amazing lady and I think we have the potential to be happy together for the rest of our lives. I know I love her. But I was supposed to wait another 4-5 years before even going out there looking? I'll be 41 this year. Based on my family health history, I'm going to be lucky to live into my mid to late 70s. So I might have 25-30 years left on this planet. Why give up 20% of that?
I was ready to move on. Are there still some hard, sad days? Darn straight. We'll have our last "first" this weekend with Mother's Day. We already went through every other birthday, first day of school, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. All of those calendar events came and went fairly easily. Mother's Day can't come and go fast enough, IMO. I am ready for a new life, one with someone else I can love and create some new memories.
Will I forget my first wife? Absolutely not. I have two precious reminders who are part of my life daily. And I have 20+ years of memories. I had known my wife since I was 17 years old. But now, I am looking forward, not back, on a daily basis.
Shortly after my wife passed, a good friend said "Maybe this was for the best." She had known a lot of what was going on, health and relationship wise. I was taken aback by her words initially. Didn't make sense to me. I still don't feel that way now.
But I am ready to love and be loved again. Ready to live life fully and not cooped up like mine had become.
Live and let live. Be who you want to be. Now what others expect based on guidelines be "experts." No one is right. And no one is really wrong either.
Paul McCartney just got engaged again. He has stated that he is a relationship kind of guy and that it really is a testimony to his wonderful marriage. I don't have stats on this but I can see where a couple who had a wonderful life together would make the surviving partner view relationships in a more positive light. As long as you live, you should seek love in all it's forms, especially after a traumatic loss.
Paul McCartney just got engaged again. He has stated that he is a relationship kind of guy and that it really is a testimony to his wonderful marriage. I don't have stats on this but I can see where a couple who had a wonderful life together would make the surviving partner view relationships in a more positive light. As long as you live, you should seek love in all it's forms, especially after a traumatic loss.
True. I don't understand why people are so quick to view it with a critical eye. Even if a person was "reckless", that is their right.
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