Why do things have to be complicated? (love, younger, family)

[Tinawina]

I would go up to visit alone next time, and ask her point blank to her face. Don't let her squirm out of it. Lay it all out for her just like you laid it out for us.

She may not want to "come out" to everyone that she has a gay daughter. But that really is her issue. You are out anyway.

If you were straight and she didn't like your husband, I doubt people would be telling you its okay for your parents to never have your spouse in their house, to force you to choose between them every major holiday, etc. Folks would tell you to put your marriage first. If this is really who you are trying to spend the rest of your life with, I would proceed the same way.

That doesn't mean that you have to be overly strict IMO. You maybe can cut her some slack depending on what she says, maybe help her work through it. But under no circumstances would I let it go on forever IMO. I would never let anyone, including my parents, disrespect my husband nor would I put him in the position to be treated badly or made uncomfortable. If my mom couldn't work past her issues I would have to stay in touch but keep my distance, seeing her only when it was at times my hubby had something else to do (like a business trip or visiting with other friends). Otherwise I'd send gifts and cards for her birthday, but none of that leaving him alone on holidays or going on vacations without him stuff. And no family gatherings where he's not invited.

Good luck!

[katestar]

I agree about the compromise.

So basically, as I understand, my mother doesn't have to accept anything. Ok I get that. So until she makes an effort to get to know my gf, leave it alone?

I'm willing to compromise, I'm not hard headed, I just don't want to compromise to the point where she gets her way and I'm unhappy.

[TaoistDude]

There's probably no ideal solution short of your mother accepting your relationship. A compromise is necessary, but the exact nature of it is up to you. My suggestion is that you spend holidays that matter most to you and your g/f together, and for the rest visit your family alone. If you can and want to, see your family before or after those more important holidays.

Your mother is giving you a message. You can gently give her one as well by doing the above. Namely, that her lack of acceptance also has consequences and you both are making choices as a result. You choose to give your relationship high priority, but still give your family importance as well. One caveat - I don't know your g/f's reaction to this, or what she'd want you to do, so you should discuss the options with her before deciding what's best for all under the circumstances.

[katestar]

Thanks Tina. I do agree with you, although I've been told that yes in hetero relationships you wouldn't tolerate your husband being left out, but that homosexual relationships are different?!?! I don't know.

Luckily my gf understands all this and doesn't feel bad or anything. Time, time, time....

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by katestar

Ok, you all tell me to live my life, but lovesmountains, you are saying drawing those lines is immature, but I really really really will not spend my birthday, thanksgiving, christmas and all the other holidays without her. She's my family too and I choose not to spend holidays without her.

Honey, I didn't say to spend holidays without your partner - of course you shouldn't do that!

I said go for a visit alone, but not on a holiday. How about going for mom's birthday, a cousin's wedding, Arbor Day, lol - how about Labor Day when most folks get a long weekend.

The important thing is to have a face to face visit where you guys can talk with one another and try to understand each others feelings. Like I said before, she keeps denying there is a problem in your phone conversations, but that would be much harder for her to do in person.

[Tinawina]

Originally Posted by katestar

Thanks Tina. I do agree with you, although I've been told that yes in hetero relationships you wouldn't tolerate your husband being left out, but that homosexual relationships are different?!?! I don't know.

Luckily my gf understands all this and doesn't feel bad or anything. Time, time, time....

Well, I don't really agree with that. The bottom line is your life partner is your life partner, male or female. To me, once you make that choice, your new family is the priority that must be nurtured and protected IMO.

She's part of you now. So if there's a family gathering she should have the option to come. If she's not allowed to come, then to me that's saying its okay for your family to be second class to everyone else's. I would not ask my partner to do that even if she said she was okay with it. I mean think ahead... what happens if you ever decide to have kids?

That does not mean you have to cut them off forever IMO, but I would not be making it comfortable for them to leave her out. They would see me when they see me. We certainly could talk on the phone. But it would be clear I'm not going to just show up for family events at the drop of a dime without my other half. If she can't make it then fine but it should never be she doesn't even have the option. And I would not shy away from talking about her when I was around them. Maybe there would be a compromise while we are in the "working it out" phase after I talked it out with my mom, but that would not last forever.

But that's me...you have to find your own way of dealing with it that feels right to you! I'm just sharing my opinion like everyone else.

[h886]

Originally Posted by katestar

Like I said, from my other posts, the responses were basically to talk to her, but everytime I do she says things are fine, but when I ask to bring my gf then it's not the right time.

Ultimately, my question is, do my parents have a right to see me without my girlfriend if thats what they want and should I be OK with that?

I think there are several issues at play here. The first is the lack of respect this action shows to your girlfriend. Ultimately, if you want to be part of a relationship, you have to be willing to put a premium on respect towards your partner. This is no different from a hetero relationship where the mother in law won't respect her son's wife, where she treats her ugly. It's up to the biological relation to set a firm boundary that their chosen partner must be treated with basic courtesy and respect. They don't have to gush over her, but they must be civil. Right now, it's clear they are coming up with BS excuses. They may be hoping if they put it off long enough, you'll break up, or even worse, that by refusing to accept her, she'll get the message that she's not wanted and leave on her own. I fear they have a point. You hold the power here. If they want to treat her that way? Fine. But they don't get to see you either. Or, you can warmly suggest that you'd love to see them, but inform them that she will be coming along, that you two are a couple and they will either see you two together, or you not at all. Your mother will continue to push you around as long as you show her you'll roll over and take it, which is what you've done up to this point.

The second and more pressing issue, is that in acting this way, your mother is not only showing disrespect to your girlfriend, she is also showing a blatant disrespect for you. She is trying to force you to hide who you really are, saying it's shameful and too dirty to acknowledge by you bringing your partner around. And as for the line about "Homosexual relationships are different. Your husband can't be treated that way but it's different if it's your female partner"... um, that's ridiculous. YOU get to set the standard for how you and your partner will be treated. If you want her treated like a second class citizen, that's what you allow. If you want her treated like a spouse, then you accept nothing but that treatment. Yes, I get that your mother is stubborn and old-fashioned, but you know what? This country has gotten used to a lot of newfangled ideas. It got used to the idea of women voting, of civil rights... I think your mother could eventually learn to see a different way on this one. But she won't as long as you allow her to keep going the way she has been.

[Thursday007]

There is a book by Robert Fulgham called, "It Was On Fire When I Lay Down On It" which is basically a collection of short stories with a moral to the story about daily life and observations. The title story was about something someone said about a fire in his apartment, but Fulgham went on to say many of us can have that engraved on our tombstones - out of the frying pan into the fire. I knew what would happen, but I did it anyway. The devil made me do it the first time - after that I was on my own.

There is a chapter in there, my favorite one, called, "Raccoons." In it he finds them mating under the house, teeth bared, snarling, bloody and what seems almost like a fight. He proceedes to discuss sitting there watching his own wife sleeping and all the things they had gone through for the sake of love. He says, "Why is love so complicated? I don't know and the raccoons don't say."

[round4]

You don't "allow" another person to do or not do something when they are adults and can choose what they do or do not believe in or want to see.

Even when in a hetero relationship, people spend time with their parents, alone. It's perfectly natural. If you want, go the day or so before Thanksgiving and go home to your gf on the actual holiday. But, I'm sure that you spend all your free time with her, and I'm telling you this, your parents will not be around forever, spend all the time you can with them, with or without a spouse.

I agree with lovesmountains, drawing a line, is silly. Compromise, on the other hand is the adult thing to do.

[katestar]

Thanks everyone. The responses are really helpful. There still seems to be a divide...some people say don't allow my parents to tell me my gf is not welcome thereby disrespecting both of us, and the other side that is saying to compromise and see them alone for a bit and then go back to my gf.

I spoke to my gf about it last night and she is fine with whatever decision I make, but says that for my Mom "its going to be out of sight out of mind." If I go alone, she's always going to expect that and never make an effort to accept us.

I want to compromise, but I honestly don't know the best way to do so without showing disrespect to my gf and without imposing on my parents something they are not ready for.