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I've been married for 7 years and have been with my wife for 11 years. We have three children 10,7,and 2. I also have an 11 year old with someone else, but get her fri thru sun every week, my wife loves her and treats her as her own. I can't say the relationship has always been great between us, 4 years ago I cheated her and lost her trust. I haven't cheated on her since. She says i have been disconnected from our marriage, I don't appreciate her and show her by doing the little things. Recently we went out for my birthday and we were both drinking, I was pulled over and have been charges with a DUI. I've been fired from my job because of this, and now she says she may want a divorce. She says the DUI had nothing to do with it, that she has been unhappy for the last six months, and this was just another sign that I am bringing her down. She always says I have been a good father to my kids, but she thinks I am who i am and something bad in the future will happen to bring her down again. For the time being I am staying at our house watching kids, going to AA and seeing a counselor. I really trying to work on me and get help where I haven't been able to help myself. She says she needs time to think about what she wants to do with us. For the last week, i haven't slept in bed with her, she stopped wearing her wedding ring, and has been very distant, saying she needs time to think. I really don't want break up our family, I would like to be with her forever, but like she says, it maybe to late. I'm looking for advice on what I should do. Let her have the space, give up, or anything that may be helpful.
Well, the first thing is to recognize that you've been given a lot of chances and you've blown all of them. I'll give you credit now, as you seem sincere and are taking real steps to solve this, but it comes down to whether too much damage has been done for her to ever feel the same way about you again.
I would do several things. I would first and foremost, work my BUTT off to be the picture of a perfect husband, no matter what she does. You've done a lot of messing up with the cheating and the drunk driving and the losing your job. Now is the time to really show her what you could be. If she doesn't respond, she doesn't respond, but you need to really make that effort, if not for the relationship, then to be a good example for your kids.
I've been married for 7 years and have been with my wife for 11 years. We have three children 10,7,and 2. I also have an 11 year old with someone else, but get her fri thru sun every week, my wife loves her and treats her as her own. I can't say the relationship has always been great between us, 4 years ago I cheated her and lost her trust. I haven't cheated on her since. She says i have been disconnected from our marriage, I don't appreciate her and show her by doing the little things. Recently we went out for my birthday and we were both drinking, I was pulled over and have been charges with a DUI. I've been fired from my job because of this, and now she says she may want a divorce. She says the DUI had nothing to do with it, that she has been unhappy for the last six months, and this was just another sign that I am bringing her down. She always says I have been a good father to my kids, but she thinks I am who i am and something bad in the future will happen to bring her down again. For the time being I am staying at our house watching kids, going to AA and seeing a counselor. I really trying to work on me and get help where I haven't been able to help myself. She says she needs time to think about what she wants to do with us. For the last week, i haven't slept in bed with her, she stopped wearing her wedding ring, and has been very distant, saying she needs time to think. I really don't want break up our family, I would like to be with her forever, but like she says, it maybe to late. I'm looking for advice on what I should do. Let her have the space, give up, or anything that may be helpful.
I think adultery pretty much destroys a marriage. People may continue it for a number of reasons - especially for the kids but once the trust is gone, the whole basis for a marriage is gone.
Throw in a drinking problem and it may be too many obstacles.
My advice would be just to keep working on yourself. Like they tell you in AA, you can only change what you can change - and that is yourself, but you can't control or change someone else. The changes you make in yourself might begin to make her see you again in a different light. Or they won't but there are only some things you can change.
There's a lot to be said for those 12 steps, knowing what you can change and all that serenity stuff.
Just keep being a good father to your kids.You've been unfaithful....and lost your jog because of your drinking...That's a LOT for her to forgive...but if she sees you really are trying to better yourself...who knows...you might get lucky, and another chance.
I agree it might be too late. But just keep working on improving yourself and changing. Give her space but when you do see or speak to her, allow her to see that you are changing and doing everything you can to be a better person. Even if it's too late for her, don't get disillusioned with self improvement - stick with what you're doing for yourself, your kids and your future. Your kids are the most important thing here yet you don't seem very concerned with how not only the break up but also your behavior is effecting them (only a brief mention of not wanting to "break up the family"). Remember that things like cheating on your wife and getting DUIs influences your children as well.
... 4 years ago I cheated her and lost her trust. Recently we went out for my birthday and I was pulled over and have been charges with a DUI. I've been fired from my job because of this. For the time being I am staying at our house watching kids, going to AA and seeing a counselor. I'm looking for advice on what I should do.
In many areas you sound as though you're someone who could really fudge up a wet dream.
But take heart - people have overcome a lot worse. It does take time - and miracles aren't usually standard scenario despite what TV shows and movies seem to indicate!
It sounds as though you're on track for now, going to AA meetings and separate counseling. Your wife is very hurt, very bitter and, understandably, very confused. If you've not done so already, try to mentally put yourself in her shoes, do a little role reversal.
You've been with your wife for 11 years and she has an 11 year old through another relationship with whom she has regular visitation under your roof. You care for that child as if it were your own even though you have three more with your wife. Your wife for some reason had an affair four years ago. Imagine the hurt of envisioning her with someone else, laughing, hugging, having wonderful sex while you were in the same old same old routine thinking everything was just fine. The betrayal is huge, monstrous, it's hard to deal with on a base level but you put it behind you and make an effort to keep everything together. And then on her birthday you go out drinking, she drinks way more than you, messes up and gets a DUI which results in her losing her job which severely reduces the family's income and immediately triggers in you a release of built-up anger you never really dealt with years ago. Think about it.
This latest crisis occurred only recently. You and your wife eventually need to talk to each other and both of you need some outside counseling. You're getting yours both through AA and other (and I hope your counselor suits you as it often takes a while to find the right one) but your wife also needs some professional help. She may be chatting with her girlfriends and family but you both need to understand that you both need real help independent of each other and then that will hopefully segue into joint counseling with someone who you're both comfortable with.
Hopefully both of you have had the good sense to get over yourselves for a moment and assuage the fears of the children who certainly know something's very amiss. They don't need to know all the gory details but they do need to know that their parents love them and that these parents are working hard on their differences. Not sleeping in the same bed and her taking off her wedding ring are things that children pick up on very quickly. If your wife can't understand that right now then you have to be the one who talks to them.
It's a tough road ahead of you and maybe the worst case scenario is that the two of you won't be able to resolve your problems. But your children are the future and both of you should be smart enough to realize that your personal issues shouldn't be dumped on them. Your words and actions affect their very absorbent brains and thinking processes. Good luck!
Thanks for the advice, and I am working on myself for the first time my life. I do owe it to myself and my children to be the best person I can be, and not sit here and loathe in sorrow. I'm preparing myself for a miracle, and at the same time to be alone. I continue to work hard around the house, take care of my children and give her peace to make the decision for herself. I've been doing little things for her that I wouldn't normally do, but nothing overwhelming. She is leaving on a business trip tomorrow and gets back on friday, it should be good for both of us to be alone and have time to work on ourselves
But you still need to talk to each other. Lack of good communication destroys so many relationships. If I knew back then what I know now I could have salvaged many a past error but hindsight doesn't count except that through forums such as these (which didn't exist when I was making an effort to grow up) I can at least try and make some sort of atonement by maybe perhaps using the age and experience factor as aids in helping others. Cheers!
Yes -- but more important than talking are the actions. He has the chance to change himself and also to become the best father he could ever be.
If something might change her mind about leaving would be seeing the best father ever for her kids. But it should be for the kids because either way, they're going to need a good father who cares about them.
we have had communication problems, misunderstandings, ect....We have talked about that recently. she does say she wants to know about what I'm doing everyday, and talk to her about me, but she doesn't want to talk about "us". I'm kinda of confused why she wants to hear about me, and maybe she is also. she asks about how my meetings are going, how am I doing, stuff like that
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