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I think you are both right to finish your educations. You are both right, that warm family relationships are important. You are still in a big pickle when you choose to love someone whose ties are in NY. You are putting the cart before the horse when you say that his parents want to babysit your possible future children. Of course they do, but you do not want to live in NY.
You both need to find your best job options in the same place. This could be anywhere, and this should be your focus.
You are young, I assume, so my advise is you can either draw the line now at his parents controling you, or you can regret it later.
I'm in my mid 20s and so is he. I have a nursing license, but not a BSN (my Bachelors will be in Mathematics--I hate the nursing field..love the patients and work but refuse to put up with the crap/abuse) and he's finishing an environmental degree for his undergrad and architecture for his grad school.
All his connects are here, but he's really good at making connects period. IMHO at least. I'm completely flexible as to work I can work. If he finished grad school in California, the tuition would be cheaper..
My idea is maybe we can just live out there while he finishes grad school and we are young..for about 2 years.........
I think that part of what you have to realize is - when you get married and have children, you are creating a new family. It may seem devastating to you now to be so far from your blood relatives, but it is a perfectly normal feeling that will pass over time. You aren't married now, so you don't yet know what I am talking about. But trust me, it will make a difference in terms of what you are going through right now.
His parents controlling them...?! By letting them pay for rent 50% below market rate and promising to take care of their children?! OP didn't mention any pressure from them about where they should live. I bet at least half of the New Yorkers would love to be controlled!
Honestly, I'm very lucky. His parents are personally making it REALLY easy to want to stay, and on top of the fact, I really do love them. They are good people and we all try to help each other. I have had two exes and their families just SUCKED lol. I'm sure his Mom tries to make things really doable because she wants us nearby and I don't think that's bad of her. She loves her son and has told me that she loves me a lot. I just feel bad because I miss my parents too, even though my Mom really drives me nuts at times. She always cries about me "moving away from her" and asks when I'm coming home.
I think that part of what you have to realize is - when you get married and have children, you are creating a new family. It may seem devastating to you now to be so far from your blood relatives, but it is a perfectly normal feeling that will pass over time. You aren't married now, so you don't yet know what I am talking about. But trust me, it will make a difference in terms of what you are going through right now.
Thanks Onglet. You have a point and I do hope so. I guess it would make it a lot easier if I made more closeknit friends over here and a little more money (although I make decent) that would allow me to go back to visit twice a year. Thanks for the post.
Most important, finish school and don't rock the boat till you are both done. Then the 2 of you need to decide what to do. Something that's acceptable to both of you.
In the meanwhile, see your family as often as you can. Buy a webcam and skype each other. You can talk to them and see them as much as you want that way.
Your SO and your own family should be more important to both of you than parents if you are truly ready to be married. It's about the 2 of you, not all the family.
Thanks so much for reading my post Dewdrop. I just passed the 4 year mark of being here. I've been here since April 2007 and yes, it's definitely grown on me. I don't think I have as much fun as I could, because I'm with someone who has seen-it-all here and doesn't really want to do the tourist thing. I don't really have any friends here...mostly we are friends with 2 other couples and that's about it. I love his family dearly and can see why he wouldn't want to leave them either.
How do you guys manage to see your family? I hope things get easier for me after the 5 year mark. I don't feel in love with this place at all, but I have to admit it would be a place that I would definitely like to come back to visit often.
Well - the more I think about things - the more I guess I should have said. First of all, I have to live near NYC. So does my husband. I'm a performer and he's a stagehand. He works on Broadway - so moving somewhere else really isn't an option. He originally moved here to be with me - we met on tour and I was already living here. He asked if I could live somewhere else and do community theatre and I said no. So he moved to New York and his career really took off - which was great!!!
We used to switch off Thanksgiving and Christmas between the two families each year - but lately we haven't been able to leave the city for the holidays because of my husband's job. My mom comes out to visit a lot more than his family does - but we invite them for any and all holidays. My mom and I also go on trips - this past year we went to New Zealand together. The year before - my mom went with my husband and me to Japan. We haven't been out to see either family for a year or so - but that has been due to work and also me being pregnant now. Both my mom and his parents came to visit at least twice in the past year - plus I saw my mom on our trip. And I have a feeling that once their grandson is born - they are all going to be coming to visit a lot more often!
Big cities aren't for everyone. Like I said, I fell in love with New York. I didn't realize it until the last tour that I was on and I realized that I was homesick - for New York! But I'm also lucky that my two closest highschool friends (from SoCal - strange but true) ended up in NYC amd many of my college friends (from U of Michigan) ended up in NYC, too. Also - when we got our dog a few years ago - we suddenly met tons of our neighbors where we were living - the Upper East Side. It was great! Now that we live in the burbs - I'm friends with sooo many of my neighbors! My husband has made a lot of friends here, too, due to all the shows he's done here.
If you don't have to live in New York - and you don't want to be here - after you are both all doen with school - you can both decide on your dream city. Like someone else said - your husband will be your new family - and your future children are part of your new family. Maybe since I always wanted to be a performer and knew that I'd have to live in NYC - I just always accepted that I would be living far away from my parents - so it's never been an issue for me. And I'm really close with my mom - sometimes we talk everyday or more.
I'm from San Diego, CA and my guy is from NYC. I moved here a few years ago with the intention that it would be temporary. In fact, when I met him, I was saving up to leave later that summer. One thing lead to another and we've been together going on 4 years, this fall, and this is definitely the "one".
He has a full scholarship to NYU and will be finishing 2013, but wants to go on to grad school. I was lucky enough to be accepted into a nursing program here, but I completed it and then decided to finish my Bachelors degree online in a different subject, so my schooling is flexible, but his is not. We are stationary.
Here's the thing...all of his connects are over here and we have a 2-bedroom apt. that we rent for $800/month from his parents. Is it fancy? Not at all and it's small. We also deal with privacy being an issue sometimes, but all in all, it's nice having family close because we do help each other out a lot. When we have kids, his parents have even offered to watch the babies so we can continue working. Apparently, this is common in Latin families and not seen as anything outside the norm. Basically, we have it made....one minor fact, we're both sick of NYC. I personally hate the weather and the mentality, but I'm trying to make the most of it. He's just sick of it as well, but of course doesn't want to leave his family.
I'm homesick for my family and the more relaxed lifestyle of SoCal, but I also love his family dearly. What tears me apart is the fact that it isn't even a situation where we could live in between our parents... (ie. NYC-Boston..live in a city somewhere in between). I'd even be happy if I lived within 500 miles of my parents, because it's SO much cheaper to drive. Do the math..even at $4/gallon I could do a roundtrip for less than $150. I could fit 4-5 people in the car and that means it costs anywhere from $20ish at best to $40ish at worst PER person, per roundtrip to the other family. Plane tickets are about a minimum of $280 each..then you have to rent a car..hotel is covered as we would stay at our parents.
I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. I'm a little heartbroken and know that I can't be the first person to be in a situation like this. Any coping techniques or tips? Sorry for the essay, but thanks for reading.
Being a grownup means living with the consequences of your choices without complaining.
I would even be ok with living an 8-12 hour drive away from our parents. I'm just like...hmmm..where's the midpoint between NYC and San Diego? ..and for my situation, it would be somewhere like Kansas I think lol.
I feel really selfish. We technically have it made out here. Our rent is half of what it should be, even though we do help family out, and his parents are offering free daycare...I'm not using them, because trust, when family drama goes down, I'm there for them and we all help each other out, but it is attractive knowing you have such a great support system...if only I could convince them to move to SD with us...but I just never think that will happen. His Mom is a Dentist and has a huge patient base over here and licensing would be an issue..lots of laws/rules.
How do you guys like the Midwest? I went to St. Louis and loved it..but dang the summers are BRUTAL. I have family all over...some in Texas, etc.
I guess I'm in a lose-lose situation and will have to suck it up eventually.
I live in Kansas City (the one in Missouri, which is much larger than Kansas City, Kansas, just across the river). It's a metro of about 2.2 million, so a large enough urban area to have typical urban amenities, but also with much more elbow room and lower cost of living than many other sizeable cities. As a city, it's larger than St. Louis, but I believe St. Louis has a larger metro-wide statistical population.
I grew up in the rural Midwest, however, where the closest city was Chicago (about 100 miles away).
Really, any city in the interior of the country, be it Chicago, Minneapolis, or someplace smaller would be a better middle ground for you than where you are. You likely wouldn't like the winters in either, if you don't like them in NYC, and if you don't like Midwestern summers, either, as you note, it's kinda lose-lose for you. Coastal people often have a certain bias against not living on a coast, though, so that's food for though, as well, too, and to think about whether you have preconceived notions that would preclude you from entertaining living in the so-called flyover country, though...the Kansas comment you made could be telling. My boyfriend is an East Coaster who actually ADORES living in the Midwest, but I won't pretend that's a common thing. Temperamentally, it suits him. We go and visit his dad on the Upper East Side, and he becomes gradually more and more claustrophobic and stressed the longer we stay there. By the end of the week, he's ready to kiss the wide open spaces of home. And to drive a car, and park it in a driveway.
Really, though, if you seriously do choose to relocate to somewhere where you are both on equal footing, and where it can be YOUR home, versus one of your families' homes, it needn't necessarily be smack in the middle of the country. It could be anywhere you choose to make a home. There's something to be said for a support system, trust that I know this. But there's also something to be said for striking out on your own.
I'm from San Diego, CA and my guy is from NYC. I moved here a few years ago with the intention that it would be temporary. In fact, when I met him, I was saving up to leave later that summer. One thing lead to another and we've been together going on 4 years, this fall, and this is definitely the "one".
He has a full scholarship to NYU and will be finishing 2013, but wants to go on to grad school. I was lucky enough to be accepted into a nursing program here, but I completed it and then decided to finish my Bachelors degree online in a different subject, so my schooling is flexible, but his is not. We are stationary.
Here's the thing...all of his connects are over here and we have a 2-bedroom apt. that we rent for $800/month from his parents. Is it fancy? Not at all and it's small. We also deal with privacy being an issue sometimes, but all in all, it's nice having family close because we do help each other out a lot. When we have kids, his parents have even offered to watch the babies so we can continue working. Apparently, this is common in Latin families and not seen as anything outside the norm. Basically, we have it made....one minor fact, we're both sick of NYC. I personally hate the weather and the mentality, but I'm trying to make the most of it. He's just sick of it as well, but of course doesn't want to leave his family.
I'm homesick for my family and the more relaxed lifestyle of SoCal, but I also love his family dearly. What tears me apart is the fact that it isn't even a situation where we could live in between our parents... (ie. NYC-Boston..live in a city somewhere in between). I'd even be happy if I lived within 500 miles of my parents, because it's SO much cheaper to drive. Do the math..even at $4/gallon I could do a roundtrip for less than $150. I could fit 4-5 people in the car and that means it costs anywhere from $20ish at best to $40ish at worst PER person, per roundtrip to the other family. Plane tickets are about a minimum of $280 each..then you have to rent a car..hotel is covered as we would stay at our parents.
I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. I'm a little heartbroken and know that I can't be the first person to be in a situation like this. Any coping techniques or tips? Sorry for the essay, but thanks for reading.
I don't think I have as much fun as I could, because I'm with someone who has seen-it-all here and doesn't really want to do the tourist thing. I don't really have any friends here...mostly we are friends with 2 other couples and that's about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkybumpkin
Honestly, I'm very lucky. His parents are personally making it REALLY easy to want to stay, and on top of the fact, I really do love them. They are good people and we all try to help each other. I have had two exes and their families just SUCKED lol. I'm sure his Mom tries to make things really doable because she wants us nearby and I don't think that's bad of her. She loves her son and has told me that she loves me a lot. I just feel bad because I miss my parents too, even though my Mom really drives me nuts at times. She always cries about me "moving away from her" and asks when I'm coming home.
You both need to broaden your horizons - together. There is SO much to do in NYC and, in your 20s, he allegedly doesn't want to do the "tourist thing" as he's "seen it all here" or whatever and the two of you only socialize with two other couples? How incredibly dreary and self-defeating! For goodness' sake, you're young and vibrant, the world is your oyster, you're in one of the most incredible cities in the world where every conceivable activity is right at hand, you've got a great living situation compared to most couples in your position and you seriously need to get out there and have some fun outside of work and studying!
Your respective parents aren't helping at all and neither of you is helping by falling for the guilt routine. His mother and father are all set to watch those children of yours and have that scenario all planned out. Your Mom lays it all on with tears and recriminations under the guise of love.
As poster yellowsnow mentioned, Skype is a great way to keep in touch and there have been several other good suggestions offered by others. In my opinion, though, you two should be living your own lives right now and exploring things outside what seem to me to be rather limited walls you've settled into accepting as barriers. You're both way too young to be stuck in a rut of feeling that NYC has nothing to offer you and that having just two other couples as your social base (outside his family) is OK and normal. All the very best to you both.
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By letting them pay for rent 50% below market rate and promising to take care of their children?! OP didn't mention any pressure from them about where they should live. I bet at least half of the New Yorkers would love to be controlled!
